.because you stop the noise

'Let's Make this Baby' Contract

Specifications for the conception and carrying of one Robert Edward McCracken-Way's and one Gerard Arthur McCracken-Way's, first biological child.

A - Surrogate pregnancy using semen from Robert Edward McCracken-Way by means of sexual intercourse. (not hot yummy sex)

B - Surrogate uterus of one Samatha May Knox.

C - Attempts of conception will last for a period of 6 months with payment of $1200 per attempt. (not per minute Bert lasts)

D - If conception should fail, contract will be terminated.

E - If conception should succeed, surrogate will reside on the McCracken-Way property for the entire duration of the pregnancy in the guest house attached to the main residence. (What happens in our home, stays in our home please)

F - Food and living expenses all provided for by the McCracken-Way account.

G - All expenses related to prenatal and postnatal treatment and medical care to be covered by the McCracken-Way account.

H - Surrogate will follow strict prenatal care routine and diet during the duration of conception attempts and successful pregancy. (Don't worry, Bert's an awesome cook.)

I - Surrogate will perform a natural Birth, with the exception of unforeseen complications.

J - The use of an epidural remains optional. (I'd take the drugs though, this is 2015 for god's sake)

Terms and Conditions for Conception :

1: All attempts of conception will be performed in the McCracken-Way household guest room number 3. (Because it's far away from Mikaela's room)

2: All attempts at conception will be witnessed by one Gerard Arthur McCracken-Way. (Me)

3: Attempts at conception will only occur during Surrogate's optimal ovulation time. 

4: If conception fails on first attempt, Robert will make himself available to perform at every cycle going forward for a period of six months only.

5: Surrogate will position herself parallel to the bed with rear situated at the very edge of the foot of the bed.

6: Robert will perform while standing at the foot of the bed.

7: Surrogate will remain covered from the waist up. (But she can loosen her hair though) 

8: Since Robert prefers full nudity during sexual intercourse, he may perform as is. 

9: Robert will take a shower and wash immediately after the act is completed. (Seriously, Bert)

10: Surrogate may do the same if she so chooses and is to leave the premises within 45 minutes after completion of the act unless invited to stay longer. (Would offer a smoke but that's not healthy)

What will NOT be allowed:
a.1) Kissing

b.1) Body holding

c.1) Position changes

d.1) Meaningful eye contact

e.1) Any purposeful attempt at making surrogate achieve orgasm - (revision: surrogate external orgasm may be achieved)

f.1) Foreplay of any kind [Which includes: touching, squeezing, licking, rubbing, teasing, oral sex, the use of sex toys or any form of flirtation or dirty talk] - (see revision to clause 'e.1' and apply minimally and strictly for the purpose proposed)

g.1) The wearing of socks by surrogate during the act. (I cannot stress this enough)

What WILL be allowed:
a.2) Physical contact with the goal of stabilizing the position
b.2) Meaningless physical contact between Roberts hands and surrogates legs (Emphasis on 'meaningless' Bert)

c.2) Oral exclamation of pleasure (not including the calling out, saying or whispering of names, pet names or nicknames of either surrogate or Robert. (This practice is strictly forbidden)

d.2) Naturally occurring internal orgasms - (see revision to clause 'e.1' )

e.2) Lubricant (If needed. Vaginas are okay sometimes I guess)

K - Base pay for experienced surrogate in California (paid in monthly installments, after detection of fetal heartbeat) is suggested at $60 000 + expenses and allowance. However, under the unique circumstances presented, surrogate will be paid $150 000 + expenses and allowance (paid in monthly installments, after detection of fetal heartbeat).

L - In the event of a miscarriage or forced termination due to complications, contract will immediately be terminated. 

If either Surrogate or Robert Edward McCracken-Way should fail to comply with these set terms: Contract with surrogate will immediately be terminated 
and we can talk about that divorce, Bert. 

Signed: May 12, 2015 at McCracken-Way Residence