.because you stop the noise

22Mar13 - Funeral Post

Gerard stood by his windowsill just breathing. His coffee was long cold but the idea of putting the cup to his lips and taking that first sip hadn't even crossed his mind. The birds outside his window chirped from the big evergreen outside and Gerard's eyes fell closed without his say so as he allowed their songs to drown out the sound of his own phone buzzing relentlessly from his desk. The air was cold but not freezing and breathing it in felt like a kind of freshness he hadn't experienced in a while. Everything was different now. Everything.

Gerard hadn't realized that his office door was open until he heard Bert's trembling voice from the doorway without the sound of the door preceeding it. "Gerard..." Bert pauses. His voice can't manage anything above a low break, "What did you do?"

Gerard turns around slowly to see his partner stood there, his shaking hand clutching his own phone on an open screen, all color drained from his face as his questioning eyes spilled with the quietest tears to ever grace Bert's beautiful face.

That first sip of cold coffee finally slides down Gerard's throat with a harder swallow than he was prepared for as his eyes fall on his own computer screen still open on the last thing he published. "It's over."

......................................

Earlier that morning

Gerard opened his eyes to the only sight in the world he ever wanted to see. Bert's shoulder kissed by the sunlight streaming in through the curtains. There was a calmness over him though it lasted all of 5 seconds before his heart started pounding. He couldn't be there anymore. He couldn't lay there next to Bert with the realization that just made itself present.

Peeling Bert's arm off of him, Gerard slipped out of bed and took his anxious ass downstairs to the coffee machine. With every drop of the machine, every moment leading up to this one playing out in his head.

The morning Bert kicked him out after he confessed what he had done on tour.

The drinking, the drugs, finding comfort in the only person around who still wanted Gerard's touch.

Finding out that Bert fell from stage and broke his wrist and his hand. Seeing all those videos of what a mess Bert was.

Hearing Bert's voice again. Hearing him say I love you.

The things that had finally given Gerard the reason he needed to walk out of Frank's LA apartment and go sleep on Mikey's couch.

Maybe Gerard knew, maybe he had no idea to this day. Showing up the way he did at his brother's door the day before Christmas, asking for a place to sleep even though they both knew damn well that Gerard could afford to go anywhere he fucking wanted. It wasn't a place to stay that Gerard needed. It was family. It was a desperate grasp at something, hoping it would calm the screaming in his head. Hoping it would help him sleep.

And when he finally fell asleep it was his brother who called Bert. It was Mikey who sat on the phone and explained how much Gerard needs him. How much they need each other. How broken his older brother had been. How the two of them would never be able to find anything like what they have with each other. It wasn't like Mikey to involve himself in his brother's personal life. It took a lot for him to do that. Mikey kept existance of that phonecall quiet through Christmas and new years where Gerard slept alone yet again on his brother's couch.

1 January 2012 - 04:32am

Bert's touch on Gerard's cold damp cheek. So soft Gerard had thought it was a dream. A dream hearing his voice call him 'Pretty' and the tears that started streaming again when he thought he was waking up from that dream. And then more when he realized Bert was really there, really taking his face into his hands, really looking into his eyes, really asking him to come home.

The look on Bert's face when Gerard said "No." but at the time Bert didn't understand why. What Mikey was thinking even calling him if his brother had chosen not to be with him after all.

"What the fuck do you mean No?" Bert's emotions shot from love to confusion to anger real fucking fast. Too fast. Thinking that the past year had been for nothing. But Gerard took his hands, both his hands and asked Bert what he wants. It was simple. "I want us to be a family." And Gerard's answer was just as simple. "Me coming home isn't gonna give us that. Me coming home is gonna give us more of the same. We need to stop."

"Stop what?" Bert's voice had been so small. So scared. So confused.

"Everything, Bert. If we can keep each other clean for a year, I'll give you everything you want."

At the time marriage wasn't legal in California but they could have a civil partnership. They could adopt a child. They could make some kind of start.

"You'll let me be a dad?" Bert answered so quietly it made Gerard's heart ache.

"Yeah. A real family. I promise I'll come out baby. But please, give me something to come out for. Not drunk sex and I love yous."

"I love drunk sex and I love yous."

"I love it too. But do you want me to risk my whole career for that?"

"You'll really do this with me?"

"There's no one else I would do this with."

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. One last drink?"

"No. You and me. We start right now."

1 January 2013

Down at the courthouse. They didn't need witnesses, they didn't have any kind of party. It was just for them. They wouldn't have even done it really. Especially because Bert didn't believe in getting a civil partnership. He wanted marriage. But what he wanted even more than that was to be a father and having this on paper would really help that process, so there they were, signing documents like it was just another lease they were taking out together.

The reason they did have to celebrate was 1 year of sobriety. Getting Bert back after three months in rehab. Keeping each other strong. Finding new things to do together. New ways to speak to each other. Appreciating new things about each other that either didn't exist or went unnoticed before. New things to be annoyed about and new ways to handle those annoyances.

20 March 2013

Mikaela arrived far sooner than they had expected. The process should've taken at least another month but when they got that phonecall to come and pick up their daughter, everything was left flying in the air. "That black parade money really talks." Quinn was overheard saying when Bert called to announce the news.

It might have been Gerard's status that pushed the papers but it was also Gerard's anxiety that was being pushed as it dawned on him that he's now the father of a four year old little girl.

He couldn't run now. He couldn't hide. He couldn't delay what he knew he had to do. A family can't live in the shadows.

.................................

"Why?" Bert almost lost his footing as he leaned his shoulder up against the door frame to keep himself up. His hand holding his phone still shaking.

That cold sip of coffee brought with it strength. Gerard already had clarity. He gained it the moment he saw that bird trapped in their home finally find its freedom out the front door that morning. He gained it watching Bert and their daughter rejoice at their valiant rescue of the poor frantic creature. It was the first time Mikaela had laughted in that house. They'd had her for all of 3 days now and that bird needed to be there to give them all something to be a family over.

"Because it's unfair to our family for me to go on pretending that My Chemical Romance isn't held together by the outside fantasy of me and someone else."

Bert swallowed hard, his eyes widening as more tears of shock streamed from his eyes. "You did this to get rid of Frank?"

"No." The answer was as solid as Gerard's resolve. "I did this because I made a promise to you, to myself and to the guys a long time ago."