28Oct07 - .playdate's over

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Gerard sipped on his diet coke, trying to make sure his mouth was always occupied with something to avoid talking. Yeah so he found his own way out of the shed and back into the party. There were questions about his whereabouts and state of mind but since he really is a workaholic, sneaking off to read emails and do work-related shit wasn't out of character for him and served as a convenient excuse.

There were quite a few people there besides the band. As well as Lindsey's friends, bandmates and some family. It wasn't like some intimate couple's dinner. Lindsey had on a 60s, borderline 70s playlist, snacks and drinks were all around. The conversations were all centred around art, music, politics and the like. Gerard is a fucking artist. He could carry these conversations in his sleep. But he's also just a fucking loser from Jersey and right now he really wanted to be just that. The kid in the basement, listening to The New York Dolls and falling asleep on a matress pulled to the floor next to another goodlooking small town loser. Fuck the pretentious conversations and save it for the gallery openings. Why couldn't he just be a dirty rockdude who doesn't know how to pronounce haute courture?

Her hand on his arm made him want to chop it off. And all of a sudden his panic set in again. "Mikey, you wanna smoke?" He turned to his brother who was mid conversation with Frank about his upcoming birthday. The two younger men both tilted their heads at Gerard. Frank hadn't been speaking to him much, understandably so. His heart was broken and apparently Gerard had a knack for doing that to people. But he also had a knack for ignoring the pain he's caused and moving on like nothing happened. Most of the time anyway.

"Aahhh... sh..sure." Mikey seemed taken aback. As brothers they're really close and looking for a smoking buddy wasn't exactly out of character but right now? During a party? Mikey could tell his brother was off but chances of Gerard spilling any beans at all during this smoke break was next to nothing. But he followed Gerard anyway as they exited the front door and took a few steps down the drive way, facing the quiet street below and watched Gerard light his cigarette.

Mikey knows his brother very fucking well. The nail biting, the shifty eyes, the way he shakes his leg. He implodes instead of exploding. It's never been healthy but the both of them suffer from the same thing. When you're raised by a woman like Donna, you train yourself to bottle all your emotions in the most unhealthy of ways. But they always manifest somehow, someday. "Dude, is Lindsey pregnant?"

"Fuck. What?" Gerard's eyes blew open. "No! Jesus christ." Gerard forgot how to breathe for a second. The thought alone was about the most horrific thing he could imagine.

"Thank god." Frank's voice came from down the driveway as he casually jumped up to sit on the little garden wall. Both Gerard and Mikey's eyes alive with fright at the sight of Frank but they both took a breath of relief making sure no one else was around. But since Frank was there, Mikey decided not to pry anymore. Because if the problem had something to do with Frank... which... chances are they did, then Gerard's lips would be sealed tighter than a cat's asshole.

Things got kind'a awkward fast and once again Gerard wanted to pull his own hair out. And for some reason this cigarette was taking longer to smoke than all 15 he had in the shed put together. Mikey of course felt the tension in the air and poor guy tried to fix it by asking Frank about the new music project he'd been working on. He'd heard some of the guitar parts and it sounded really heavy. "You recorded the vocals yet?"

Frank swung his legs back and forth, keeping more of an eye of Gerard than Mikey, even as he answersd his questions. "Nuh, gonna do that when I get back to Jersey." Gerard avoided his gaze at all costs. All Frank wanted was for Gerard to look him in the eye. Acknowledge what he did. "What... the fuck?" Frank immediately stood up, spotting the shoulderlength blonde hair, offwhite t-shirt and that voice they all could pick out of a million strong crowd.

"Aaahoooooo!" He howled in the night, voice cracking at the end, only further proving his identity. Gerard's heart stopped as he drew closer. "You figure out how to breathe yet?" He ignored all others except Gerard. Bright blue eyes meeting the shine of Gerard's hazel and for the first time that night, Gerard actually could breathe.

"Yeah." Gerard nodded his head, completely fixated.

He was heavier... much heavier, he was blonde and hairier but he smelled the same. "Bert?" Mikey piped up, squinting cause he really didn't know if he could trust his ears or eyes right now. Frank was completely silent, as if trying to pretend like he wasn't there. Which was just as well because as far as Bert was concerned, they weren't there. Only Gerard was.

"You had your fun?" Bert's question was serious. Gerard could tell that his entire future rode on his answer. Whether or not he would continue choking on his finger jewellery.

"Yeah." Gerard swallowed back his own sob.

Bert nodded his head "And was it as fun as you thought it would be?"

Gerard took a second before the tears streamed down his face and he had to quickly wipe them away, shaking his head. Mikey and Frank unable to stop or understand what unfolded in front of them. And while Frank could predict it, he couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it.

"Are you using again?" Gerard's question seemed out of place but Bert understood his logic completely. Gerard was weighing pros and cons right as they stood there.

And for the first time since September, Bert found the silverlining of his failed suicide attempt as he shook his head. "2 months." Strictly speaking the man still drank and did coke but according to him that wasn't using, that was just breakfast. Using involved needles and pipes.

"Wow." Gerard just breathed out. His heart racing for very different reasons now as Bert's eyes moved over his body.

Bert flashed him a cheeky smile. He could torture Gerard for the rest of his life for their past. He could make his life hell. He'd already tried that. He could move on, find peace between Ally's tits. He already tried that. He could kill himself and never have to think about Gerard again. He already tried that. But when you're miserable and you can't even get a heroine overdose right and the love of your life texts you out of the blue and asks you to come get them. What do you do? You ask them the most important question. "You done?"

Saying everything it needed to say, Bert's question rang in Gerard's ears. He closed his eyes thinking about Lindsey, Frank, this house, the bullshit, the manipulation, the lies, the drama, the cheating, the constant fight just for openess and honesty between them... all the things he was being asked about in those two simple words. All the things answered with Gerard's one "Yeah."

And that was all Bert needed to hear. "Come on. Let's go."

Gerard didn't have to answer. He didn't have to do a goddamn thing. Not even acknowledge the two witnesses frozen stiff in shock as he took Bert's hand and followed him back down the driveway and into his car. All he needed to do was put one foot in front of the other and breathe.

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