.because you stop the noise

28Oct07 - .now lay in it

October 28, 2007 - West Hollywood, Los Angeles

Cigarette after cigarette he smoked, ashing on the dark green floor of the shed. Their shed. Shit. They bought a fucking house together. A bed. Sheets. Curtains. Jesus. And now they had all their friends over to celebrate the house warming. Gerard felt his heart pounding in his chest. The panic he'd kept at bay for weeks. Almost two months but no longer could as the reality of his actions set in.

He doesn't know when everything went to shit. Maybe it was when Frank fucking married that woman. Maybe it was when he came back from his honeymoon and promised Gerard he'd leave her. Even got her name covered up on his chest with a 'Dropping Bomb' to signify his promise. Jesus fuck. Was Gerard really supposed to let him do that? Let him walk out on his marriage and what? Tell the world that he was the one who gave Gerard that promise ring? Was Gerard just supposed to sit back and watch Frank make wrecklsss decisions for them? Fuck him!

And that's exactly what Gerard had told him too after giving the ring back. In retrospect, Gerard probably should've let Frank know he wasn't up for that plan, instead of quietly slipping away bit by bit as the months went on. Meeting Lindsey didn't help. Or it did... for a little bit. The plan was simple. "I'll just date her. It'll be the perfect cover. You're married. Everyone  gets confirmation I like girls and then I'll leave her after Project Rev. You know... the whole long distance doesn't work out thing."

And then slowly letting the act seep into real life whenever Frank tried to touch him, he'd shake him off with a "Play the game, Frank. Just be patient." Or "She's right there. Behave yourself." Until Frank couldn't even breathe on him anymore as Gerard slowly weened himself off.  Frank was a mess, confused and abandoned but Gerard was desperate to get away from it all. From married boys and their wives who hate him. From questioning eyes wondering what's going on between him and Frank. From the pressure to be honest.

That fight on stage. Everyone talks about it but no one ever talks about what Frank was doing that whole day. No one ever talks about all of Frank's desperate and frustrating attempts to remind Gerard of what he really likes. The spiteful tactics on stage trying to fuck with Gerard's head. No one knows how infuriating it was when Frank grabbed him and said that shit in his ear.

Gerard sat on a crate looking down at his hand and the brand new gold ring around his finger. Fuck. But for the life of him, what Gerard couldn't figure out was how he ended up fucking married to Lindsey Ballato. He's been locking himself away in this damn shed for days now. Spending as little time as possible in the house. She calls him, she even tweets him when he's talking to his fans but he ignores her.

The sex is... jesus what the fuck? He gets through it though. He lays back and watches her ontop of him, grinding her hips down. Her perfect fucking body, her gorgeous face, the pretty sounds she makes. He floats out of his own body and into hers, fantasizing that he is her, looking down at the man they're riding and imagining what it must feel like for her body.

He's not an idiot, sex with Lindsey has made him realise that physically speaking, men were designed to be with women. It's soft and wet and smooth inside her. Effortless. But then why does he have to live through her just to get through being with her? Why does seeing her naked body only evoke a weird sense of jealousy rather than desire? He knows himself. He doesn't want to be a woman... all the time. Just sometimes. And it's that feeling he clings to whenever he has to put his dick inside her. Maybe if they could switch bodies it could work. Maybe she would touch him the right ways then. And he would actually want to touch her because she would have all the parts he knows and is pretty good at playing with.

Gerard wanted to pull his own hair out at the wacky ideas he was coming up with in his head just to try and negotiate his future involving this woman he pledged his life to on a goddamn whim. Fruitless daydreams because he didn't want to suck his own dick. He wanted someone else's. He wanted someone who has a dick to play with his. He wanted to jerk off while someone stuck their hard pretty cock inside him. He wanted the lube and the prep and the tongue and everything that needs to happen before being with a man because the sex he wanted wasn't effortless at all. It was hard fucking work and Gerard Way is a goddamn workaholic.

Once the thought took hold, it spun out of control and he could no longer deny what he wanted. And the stress of feeling stuck. That ring around his finger felt more like it was around his neck. He'd had panic attacks before and he knew exactly what they felt like. This was a panic enslaught.
Soon someone will come looking for him and then he'd have to pull himself together. That's what the Xanex is for. Of which he popped 2 in his mouth and swallowed dry. The housewarming was still going on inside. Mikey, Ray, Bob, Frank, wives, girlfriends... his wife. Gerard didn't have to explain himself right now. All he had to do was send this text he'd been staring at for god knows how long and wait. He can apologize for cutting the party short tomorrow when he's had time to think of an excuse. He could do it.

*TEXT MESSAGE*

Gerard: "I can't fucking breathe. Come get me."

*SENT*