A love reborn from the ashes.

3 - Istanbul

Can

Here I was heading the bow of the boat towards Istanbul after a whole year during which I had touched the five continents and had barely heard a human voice. I had to return to change some parts of the boat that I knew I could only find there.

I was afraid, afraid that I wouldn't be able to resist the impulse to go look for her in her neighborhood, to see her even more beautiful and fall even more in love with her without any hope.

What could I do if I found her near someone else? How could the male gender stay away from the miracle of nature that was my Sanem? She wasn't mine anymore, but my heart didn't know it, it didn't resign itself, it was with her and forever it would be there.

Entering the Bosphorus gave me a strange feeling, of belonging but also of estrangement, I didn't belong to that coast, I didn't belong to any place in the world that wasn't her by now.
Seeing from afar the outline of the minarets of the old part of the city in the late afternoon light made my heart beat faster, but I had no desire to dock near the center, I would have passed it to look for a landing place in the south, in the area where the forest overlooked the sea. It was more in my heart to be far from the confusion of the central port and the streets full of life and colors typical of ancient Constantinople.

I could see the buildings parading so familiar and yet so strange to my eyes after a year of only waves, horizons and sunsets. I had touched distant lands only for brief landings due to the need for supplies, but my eyes had remained alien to the beauty of those lands, nothing now excited me. Now, seeing the lush greenery and the typical buildings of my childhood only stirred in me even more nagging memories of her and of our afternoons on the coast made of skirmishes, flirtations, approaches and departures right there where I was now, in front of the beautiful Maiden's Tower, which had witnessed tears, regrets, hugs and shivers of passion.

I left behind me the swarm of boats that characterize the Bosphorus overlooking the city center, continuing every now and then to look over my shoulder to admire the skyline of one of the most beautiful cities in the world. With a heavy heart I headed south and approached the coast to look for a mooring to go ashore.

I had wondered for days if I should look for Emre during this short stop. During the past year we had never heard from each other, I had bought a new phone that I turned on every now and then just long enough to send him a short message to say I was alive and well.

I hadn't heard from anyone, not even my father who was abroad for treatment when I left, not even the thought of his health had managed to overcome my fear of knowing about her. Emre was married to Layla, he had to know what had happened to Sanem's life after I had left and I couldn't and didn't want to know anything.

I couldn't survive the thought of her leaving our history behind to start a new life with someone else.
The boarding traffic was heavy, even though I had passed the city center a long time ago, forcing me to moderate my speed but also giving me the opportunity to enjoy the view of the coast that was becoming more and more fascinating to my eyes with the succession of old mansions that, as I proceeded south, were replaced by the forest and the picturesque cottages that overlooked the shore with small arcades.

I was enchanted by the peace that this view gave me in the evening hours when the light of sunset made the panorama even more magical and welcoming. So many small buildings, so many small piers paraded gradually in front of my eyes and I began to look with interest at each of them to see if any could be the right one to dock.

Some of them were already anchored with old fishing boats or small private boats while others, especially in the public areas, were already full of sailing boats like mine and then I was forced to proceed further in the hope of finding something before dark.
My attention was divided between the need to keep an eye on the movement of other boats and the search for an optimal docking pier when at a certain point, slowing down to facilitate the passage of a small speedboat heading towards the coast, my eyes caught a solitary silhouette on a small pier that my heart immediately recognized as extremely familiar.

No, no it couldn't be, the dying sunlight and my treacherous heart were definitely playing a trick on me. It couldn't have been her. It was surely a hallucination of the kind that had made me imagine several times to see a smiling Sanem sitting on the bow of my boat or that had made me hear her voice telling me "Seni çok seviyorum" (I love you so much), in the long nights of solitary navigation.

My breathing had stopped, my heart was pounding with a crazy beat that I could hear booming in my head. My hand automatically went to stop the boat without realizing it as I expected at any moment to discover that it was all just a trick of my imagination.