A love reborn from the ashes.

14 - My son

Can

- My son.... -

I still couldn't believe it, and saying it out loud helped make it seem more true. I smiled with tears in my eyes, I couldn't take my eyes off that little hand so unexpectedly strong in grasping my finger.

My aslan, my lion.

I shifted my gaze to his face, but what a wonder it was? He definitely had the cut of Sanem's eyes but the little one's were an exceptional blue, did he get them from Uncle Emre or Aunt Layla? He smiled and there they appeared, those dimples that made me love him, right away, even more because they were exactly the ones I loved so much in her.

My heart rejoiced at that sight, I belonged to someone and someone belonged to me in such a total way that never in my life had I experienced a feeling of completeness so clear.
In that little cottage on the banks of the Bosphorus my existence was complete, I could not imagine a more beautiful feeling.
I could only express in one word the multitude of sensations I felt in that moment

- Teşekkür ederim, thank you-

Sanem looked at me confused - Neden? Why?

- Because you gave me a wonderful gift, it's beautiful. My son...

She stiffened, lifting her chin proudly, one eyebrow arched questioningly.
Her shaking her head when she had seen the child still stung like an open wound.

- Who says he's yours?

Can lowered his gaze to the child, let out a deep sigh and said in a firm voice.

-Nothing and no one will ever make me doubt that he is my son, that he is OURS, such a wonderful creature can only be born from our great love -.

She sighed, nodding bitterly.

- A great love, yes a great love.
Where exactly has this great love been this past year?
What happened to it
I came to doubt that it ever existed, at least on your part, otherwise how could you have called me the other as soon as something didn't go right? How many times did you say, "Bitti, it's over"? Where were when you were swaggering around in front of me with your women? Polen, Ceyda, etc.
I endured it all and left it behind for your sake and you? With a nice hoscakal, goodbye, you turned around and left for a whole year, I don't think there ever existed this great love from you, so we can safely say there is no child either.

Hoscakal Can, go back where you came from, go where the sea, your heart and your restless albatross wings take you.

A child is not made to be loved at intervals, between flights, a child is loved from the moment it comes into the world to the moment you close your eyes forever on this life.
I can't let the little one live begging for the little attention you can give him when you can and want to return to Istanbul.
It's better that he doesn't know you at all than to let him live in the regret of not being enough and the feeling of being pushed aside.

Hoscakal Can

Every single word was a thorn stuck in my already battered heart, I couldn't dispute any of them except that I would never leave this time.
There was no freedom to be sought anywhere, the only one I wanted was to hug them both tightly and never let go again.
How could I make her understand? Words couldn't be enough, she wasn't willing to listen and believe in them right now, I had to be patient and show her with actions that I would stay .

I crouched down next to the cradle to look even closer at that wonderful creature that fate had given me.

- What did you call him?

Looking everywhere but at me, he answered - Nihat.

I smiled - Your father must have been pleased-

A nervous laugh, then silence, I looked up at her, she was tense, she was angry, she was sad.

- Was he not pleased? Did he hold it against you? -

Shw turned away stiffly going to the window to look out at the sea that had always given her comfort and security.

- No Can, he didn't blame me, he simply has no idea.
My parents don't know I had a baby, no one does.
No one.
My sister, Ayhan, Osman, Cey Cey, Deren, no one knows, I cut ties with everyone, I had to.

I couldn't do otherwise-

I stiffened and stood up. How? How had she said? No one? She had had no one beside her as she faced a pregnancy, a birth, and then the first few months with the baby? No one? Oh Allah! I wordlessly ran my hands over my face in despair.

Another reason for me to feel horrible, another reason for her to hate me forever, it was all my fault, I lowered my gaze deeply ashamed.
I felt a weight on my heart, it seemed like an impossible situation to overcome.
I had hurt her too much, how could she forgive me?
No Can, this was the old Can's way of thinking, the one who came out destroyed from this year of agony and loneliness, he learned his lesson, he knows that he has to fight until the end for what he considers important and in life there was nothing else important but her, and now this wonderful child.
I couldn't change the past, I would have forever regretted losing everything about this child: the joy of the news, the pregnancy, the birth, the first look, the first cry, the first smile.
It would have been a regret that would have accompanied me forever, but I had learned that here and now must be the life, I had to find a way not to miss anything more, but rather to give my all for him and for his wonderful mother.
I wanted to hug her tight, hold her and never let her go again, but I knew it wasn't the time, she wouldn't accept it. For now, I had to let Sanem have time to process what was happening and in the meantime take back the reins of my life.

- I'm not going anywhere Sanem, I told you before I knew of the existence of this little angel.
I came back, I came back to stay, I came back for you -

I lowered myself on the cradle to place the first kiss on my son's forehead and without saying anything else I left, there were millions of things I had to do to start shaping my second life, the one with Sanem and little Nihat.