A love reborn from the ashes.

2 - Keşke...If only

Sanem

Keşke  If only.

If only I hadn't been influenced by my parents.

If only I hadn't wanted so badly to prove that I was capable of publishing my book.

If only I had been more clear-headed and shaken that outstretched hand toward me.

If only he had returned my calls when, 10 minutes after he left, I had realized that I was wrong, that I wanted him near me, that I wanted to explain how I felt.

A whole year of keşke, of tears shed until I had no more, of sleepless nights thinking about him and worrying about what might happen to him out there in the big wide world.
How hard it was to adjust to life without him.

In reality there was no life, there was a big nothing, a soul suspended in the wait for the breath of life that a sailboat had brought far away. An enormous emptiness filled only by the thousands of memories that my prodigious memory continued to project in my mind uninterruptedly turning a blessing into a continuous torment.
Where had he gone?
Was I supposed to give up?

I missed everything about him, his wonderful smile, those dark eyes that, I'm sure, looked at me with a gaze full of boundless love but that had been able to detach themselves from me never to return.
I missed his tireless hands that never stopped touching my hair, caressing my neck, holding my face for kisses just touched that were able to cause earthquakes in my heart. I missed those strong arms, the wings that my albatross used to completely envelop me and take me where I belonged, to our nest, right there on his heart.

How to be able to live without all that? I was still gasping for air at the thought of how much I feel the need for that nest.
But my albatross had to fly away, it's in his nature to fly high for miles and miles without ever touching the ground. I knew this was his instinct, but I tried to change it, I wanted him close to me, I wanted him to land and never fly far again.
How could I? How could I try to tie him down and lock him in a cage made of traditions to be respected and a life based on the fear of what others might think of us?
That could not be his future, he is made to fly free, the world was waiting for him out there and his instincts finally prevailed and he had to go.
I don't regret a single moment I lived with him, even in the hardest moments, when his pride took him away from me, just looking at him from afar was a treasure to treasure in my aching heart.
He loved me, I'm sure, but his love couldn't counteract his need to leave, it wasn't enough to give up his freedom, his solitary nature and his need to fly to boundless horizons.
I was born to meet my albatross, I found him and I lost him but knowing that he is somewhere in the world living his adventurous life, gives me comfort to face the days and years ahead.
There will never be room for anyone else in my heart, I can only be content to survive in a life of wonderful memories.
I lived a beautiful love story, it ended because of my insecurities, my inability to fully understand how much his spirit needed freedom. Now I understand it, it took a whole year of anguish and regret to understand that it is right.
My albatross must cross the seas, fly majestically over the mountains and admire the most beautiful views.
It is right this way.
As the beautiful poem by one of our favorite authors goes:

I accepted them for what they were, and love came infrequently and with difficulty.
When it did come, it was usually for the wrong reasons.
One simply got tired of holding on to love and let it go
Because it needed to go somewhere.
It was then, usually, that the trouble began.

Charles Bukowski