A love reborn from the ashes.

18 - Işık (light)

Can

I stopped by to buy some new clothes, Emre was right, it was time to get cleaned up, first the clothes then everything else.

Back at Yusuf's, I got out of the car and headed for the boat without taking my eyes off Sanem's little cottage. The same light as the night before was on to represent a glimmer of hope in the darkness that had marked my life for the past year.
I took my purchases to the galley, made myself a sandwich and then sat down on the deck.

It gave me comfort knowing that she was there, that THEY were there, I had a tug on my heart every time I thought of my son, my arms yearned to hold him, I wanted to lose myself in his scent and softness.
I wanted to be his safe haven, I wanted to be his hero, I wanted it all and more, I quivered at the idea of seeing him again, as I quivered at the idea of seeing her again.

I stayed hours staring at that light in the dark, at one point it went out and the faint light I had seen the night before came on, probably from the bedroom.
I was enjoying the wonderful feeling of being one step away from the other half of my heart, how much I had missed her....

I was in a trance, lost in my thoughts and dreams when I saw a shadow on the porch of the cottage, I had a tremor: it was her.

She came down the steps clutching her cardigan against the cool breeze coming from the sea, I saw her go up to her little harbor, the one on which I had miraculously spotted her the day before, to sit and watch the sky.
She stayed like that for a long time and I couldn't resist, I got up and went to her, I felt attracted like a moth by the light, I didn't want to disturb her peace but I couldn't stay away either.

As soon as I put my foot on the wood of the pier I saw her stiffen, she was aware of my presence.
I approached her slowly and crouched down next to her, not knowing what to say or how to begin to untangle the tangle of my thoughts.

- Here, far from the city, the stars are clearly visible in the sky almost as if you were in the open sea - She listened to me in silence without moving.
I sat down next to her and continued

- Every single night, no matter where I was in the world, I looked for Orion, your favorite constellation.
I imagined that you too were out at that moment looking at the sky, looking for Orion and thinking of me as I thought of you.
I know it's selfish for someone who had made the choice to leave, but I hoped you would look for me in the sky every night, hoped that the flame that had been our love would not be extinguished completely in your heart, that there would remain even a faint flame of it that belonged to me.
It was irrational, I know, but how irrational had I been by leaving?
I'm sorry Sanem, I'm sorry to have left you and then think of what you had to face alone, far from everyone you loved... A whole life will not be enough to ask for your forgiveness. -

He kept being silent and looking at the sea.

- May I ask you Nihat's date of birth?

He turned briefly to look at me questioningly, but answered: "He was born on the 21st of December".

I lowered my head sighing, I remained silent for a few moments and raising my head again I said:

- The day of the winter solstice, I remember exactly where I was, I was in the Pacific Ocean, off Australia, it had been exactly 45 days since I had touched land.
That night the sea was calm, I stopped the engines, lowered the sails and spent the whole night admiring the biggest and brightest moon I had seen in many years of sailing.
It had been able to stop me and bewitch me with its blinding light, all night I watched its movement and the incessant change of its reflection on the sea.
It was dazzling and it moved me like few things can do, I think what moves me the most in this life is only your smile -

Işık, light, my baby was born on a night of bright light and, I didn't know it, but it would bring light back into my life.

I saw her fidgeting, blinking several times as she stood up and whispered - I have to go back in, he might wake up -

She left me like that, with a hurried step and a tangle of unspoken words.

I stayed there almost until morning thinking of the light that such a tiny being and his mother had been able to bring back into my life after so many months of darkness.