When you realise

14. The Wake up Call

"Hey, how are you?" Hunter's voice came over the phone, he sounded different, he sounded exhausted, he almost sounded sad.

"I only called for Rosie" I said this so cold towards him, I didn't call him back, I don't think I will ever be able to look at him or talk to him the same way I used too. He messaged that Rosie wanted to talk to me, so I was only calling for her.

"Elle, I'm" he tried to talk again but I cut him off.

"Is Rosie awake or not". I said impatiently, if he used Rosie as an excuse to call I was going to completely lose it with him.

"I'll put her on" he said slowly as he exhaled.

"Ellie" Rosie's voice came through the speaker with a sob, it felt like someone was sticking a knife through my heart and as I walked down the hotel hallway making my way to the elevator, I had to reach out and lean on the wall for support, Rosie sounded crushed.

"Hi Sweetheart, what are you still doing awake, it's so late" I continued to make my way down the hall, steadying my breath so I could talk.

"I just woke up, but I wanted to talk to you, I want you to come back, please.... come .... back" you could tell Rosie was crying from the sobs coming from her mouth between each word.

I made it to the elevator and pushed the down button waiting for the elevator to open "Rosie baby, I am so sorry you feel like this right now, but I promise you, I will see you all the time still, mummy can bring you to work sometimes and I will be there, I will always be just a phone call away, you can ask mummy if you can call me all the time". Trying to keep myself together at the moment is becoming challenging, I have never been an emotional person. I have cried more in the past 12 hours than what I have in my entire life.

What I had just said to Rosie appeared to of worked because her sobs stopped "So will you still take me to the park and get ice cream, can I still help you make pancakes", she started to sound a bit more cheery but she suddenly yawned and I knew it was time for her to be asleep.

"I promise sweetheart that I will never again make pancakes without you by my side". I took a deep breath and a flash of us making pancakes together almost made it feel like that metaphorical knife was now twisting and going in deeper. "Now I need you to promise me that you will be a good girl for daddy and go to sleep so you can get lots of rest tonight". As I finished what I was saying the elevator doors opened, I didn't know if I would lose reception on my phone if I entered the elevator so I decided to stand there with my hand on the open elevator so that it wouldn't close while I continued to say goodbye to Rosie.

"I promise I will be a good girl" Rosie said sounding more tired.

"I know you will sweetheart, you are always a good girl" I almost whispered in the phone as I knew it wouldn't be long until she was fast asleep again.

"I love you" her little voice came across.

"I love you too sweetheart, more than you will ever know, goodnight Rosie, sweet dreams"

"Goodnight" Rosie yawned into the phone and with that I looked at my phone pressing the little red hang up button and stepped onto the elevator letting the doors close and pressing the reception button to make my way out of the building and back to my penthouse, I can't say home, the only place I have ever felt like I was at home was in Hunter's arms.

I made my way into my room and went straight for the shower, I felt ashamed and dirty, I have never felt this way after sleeping with someone. Flashes of the guy I was just with flashed through my head and I remembered he kissed my neck and so I frantically grabbed the cloth and put soap on it and scrubbed my neck, every place he had put his lips or his hands I had to scrub clean. My breathing became heavier and the tears would not stop. I started to feel dizzy, the whole room felt like it was spinning, I felt everything in my stomach start to make its way up, I quickly made my way out of the shower to the toilet and I threw up, I don't know how long I was leaning over the toilet.

My thoughts just kept telling me I was unlovable, I'm only good for a fuck, the one time I actually felt something for someone, I turned out to be nothing. I stayed over the toilet until I had nothing left to come out and I made my way back to the shower again, collapsing on my knees, the water running over my head doing nothing to calm me down, after frantically washing my body again I ended up just sitting down with the water still washing over me and the tears flowing freely down my face with loud sobs escaping my mouth and for the first time in my life I thought that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I just stopped breathing altogether. That would probably feel better than the way I am feeling right now.

I am worthless, unloved, dirty, ashamed, broken and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I don't know how long I was in the shower with the water rushing over me, thinking all these thoughts, banging the ground, screaming out in sobs, drowning in my own mind before Damian came rushing in and throwing his arms around me.

"Fuck Elle, how long have you been in here, the water is freezing", Damian took one of his arms from around me to switch off the water.

Once the water was off, I became aware of my surroundings again and realised I was cold, really cold, I started to shiver, not just little bumps on my arm cold, my teeth were chattering, my body was almost blue. That's how cold I was.

Damian jumped out of the shower and grabbed me a towel, he wrapped it around me and for the first time ever I was grateful that I had towel warmers installed in all the bathroom which would turn on when the bathroom light was on so the towel was really warm, it almost felt like it burned my skin from how cold I was.

Damian lifted me up and held me in his arms.

"Why are you all wet" I asked puzzled wondering why we were standing in the shower.

"Are you kidding me right now Elle, what was that, what did I just walk into. I screamed your name 3 times before I flung my arms around you, why didn't you call me".

Numb, that is really the only way that I can describe how I am feeling at this moment "I'm sorry", it almost sounded more like I said it as a question than an apology.

Damian lead me out of the bathroom and sat me on the bed, he went to my top draw and pulled some underwear out for me, he put them in my hand and told me to have them on by the time he got back.

I watched him walk out the door and I looked at the underwear, I slowly lifted one leg in followed by the other one, I bought them up to my bent knees and just looked at them, I suddenly realised I had nothing in me, no energy to continue to put on underwear, so I just sat there looking at them.

Damian walked in he was now dry and dressed in track pants and a big t-shirt, I gave him a questioning look because he always says if he is going to be caught wearing pj's than they need to be short shorts that make his arse look great and he usually does not wear a shirt, I think he just likes people looking at him, he is an extremely gorgeous male specimen, those abs are to die for, I used to hate that he was gay just wanting to rub my hands over his chest, but when we were I college he would let me tickle and rub my hands over his stomach and chest while we were watching a movie. If people did not know he was gay, they would think we were together, we were just always that close.

"Don't look at me like that, I know I don't look cute" he pouted, "But tonight we are wearing breakup clothes, crying and eating ice cream together", he looked down at me seeing I did not finish putting my underwear on, he walked over and I noticed he was holding another shirt in his hand, he shook the shirt and then scrunched it up so he could put my head through the top and he placed each arm in the arm holes and took my hand to stand up while he leant over and pulled my underwear into place.

"Let's skip the ice cream and just lay in bed and cuddle and watch Love Actually" he whispered while hugging me.

"Deal" I whispered.

That is how my night ended, laying in my best friends arms, wearing his baggy t-shirt, rubbing my hand along his abs and watching Love Actually until I finally drifted off to sleep.