When you realise

1. When You Realise

Do you ever have those moments in your life, when you think to yourself, 'this just cannot be happening to me'? Well I was having one of those moments right now. I was standing in the kitchen, it was a beautiful spring day. I was putting the finishing touches on the salad and I can hear the talk going on outside, I took a quick glance out the window, I could see Nathan, my boyfriend's father at the grill finishing the meat. The Table was decorated in blue and white with helium balloons attached to chairs. It was surrounded by Hunter's family and friends.

I had organised a 30th birthday party for Hunter, my boyfriend, well at the time I thought he was my boyfriend, let's face it when you see someone practically every day for a year and do everything romantically together, you somewhere along the way assume you are together and don't actually need labels to prove anything. I mean what 27 year old needs to have someone say to them "do you want to be my girlfriend". We are not in high school anymore.

When you are acting like a couple and do couple things, I mean, I cook dinner for him nearly every night and wake up in his arms nearly every morning, when you have that level of intimacy it's safe to assume you are a couple, I have a key to his house, a draw to put my clothes in and a toothbrush in the bathroom, I sleep here more than I do at my own apartment.

We have never had a conversation about where our relationship was heading, or even if we were in a relationship. I thought it was obvious we were together, I assumed we were together, maybe I just hoped that we were together.

Although as I stand here now, listening to the banter outside, I realise that I couldn't be more wrong about my relationship status.

The conversation going on between Hunter and his friends sounds like this: "so you guys have been together now for what a year, yeah, that's right you met her last year on your birthday, when we all went out for drinks" James acknowledges humorously. I couldn't help but smile at the memory when we first saw each other, it was like there was no one else in the room.

Tim pipes in with a chuckle "that's right you couldn't keep your eyes off of each other it was like love at first sight". I let out a small chuckle because for me that is exactly how it felt.

"Oooh will there be wedding bells soon, I mean Marcus proposed to me on our 1 year anniversary and I couldn't be happier" I can picture Bianca looking down at her engagement ring which she was presented with 2 weeks ago at their anniversary dinner.

Then the moment that actually broke my heart was Hunter's reply "Oh Hell no! I'm not about to be tied down, we are not official, I am free to see who I want when I want and do whatever the hell I want. The last person that I was in a relationship with tried to make me stay with her by falling pregnant and as much as I love Rosie, one child is more than enough and I'm not going to make that mistake again."

Yep so that is how I came to realise that the last year of my life has meant absolutely nothing to the man that I am hopelessly in love with, and that hurts, that hurts really bad.