A Life Completed (Hard Time Series Book 5)

Pray

LENA POV

"I don't know she's not answering her phone or anything. This isn't like her. It just isn't." I say to Mama Rose as I had called her up when Stef didn't come back from going back to the store over two hours ago and wasn't answering her phone. This wasn't like her at all and I was worried beyond words for what in the hell happened to her.

"What if..she's laying somewhere? What if...what if she got into an accident or..." I pace back and forth as she gently grabs my hand looking deep into my eyes.

"Honey, calm down baby. Ok? Calm down. Come lets take a seat on the couch." 

"She always calls me Mama Rose. Always. Or texts me. She never not answers. Even if we fight, she doesn't do this."

"I know honey. Listen, maybe she lost track of time honey. It is possible. Very."

"No, this isn't like her. She, she always calls me. Always." I rub my forehead as I take a seat on the couch beside Mama Rose. "She was upset when she left and said she needed air too."

"What was she upset about?"

"Her memory. She feels as if she is deteriorating." I say looking into her eyes as she nods her head. "She forgets things, especially lately, and it's having an effect on her confidence.  I  Mean you know how she is, I try to tell her that it's ok, that we will work on it. But ever since she had that stroke she thinks she is this weak person because of the side effects she still feels. But, I tell her she is not. That she is very strong. "

"I know baby, and if anyone knows how she feels I do. It's not easy realizing you have limitations especially if you didn't have then before."

"She's just been having such a hard time, and I feel useless sometimes in terms of how to help her.  THat woman, is my life and everythign has been hard for her. She just hates admitting it so much. This thing with..

"Callie."

"It's killing her Mama. Slowly. I've never seen her distraught."

"It's not an easy thing. It isn't and Stef is trying to control it but she knows she can't. Letting you handle it and all of us is still hard for her. She wants to help Callie, because that's who Stef is and she can't anymore with her. Her role in life is helping, especially her children Lena, and without that she feels useless. These children, her children, and you are her world. It's her reason for living and she doesn't want her health affecting what she can do for you all."

"She's our world. She's been my life, no matter what her and I have been though, and Mama Rose even if Stef lost all her memory again,  if she couldn't remember anything, or couldn't walk or anything I'd still love her and still be with her. There's no other option for me. Or any of us." I feel tears fall from my eyes as Mama Rose pulls me in for a hug. 

"Keep telling her that. No matter what keep telling her that. And she will be ok honey. She probably really just needed to think."

"I hope so Mama. I hope so."

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STEF POV 

It wasn't often I prayed, maybe rarely as I light a candle for myself, for my children, my grandchildren, and my wife. I did not go to church, ever,  only to see Mama Rose direct her choir when the kids were little but not since then for I always felt I would burn up if I stepped inside of one considering all the shit I had done in the past.  But I was here, and it had been the fourth time this month that I had come without telling my wife or anyone at that.

It is hard for me to vocalize to anyone how I'm feeling, even to Lena right now, and this particular thing is eating me alive and has been since it began. The guilt I hold and carry around for having a stroke and heart attack in the first place, and for that act leading to Callie's downfall and destruction is mostly what makes my blood pressure rise. 

The death of Tula, my kids leaving for college, I guess it all adds up. Maybe at one time in my life I was a strong leader of the Lions Den but nowadays, I didn't know what I was.  I really didn't as I kneel on the front pew and bow my head, something I thought I'd never do in my life. 

Yes, Roxy had given me the number to the therapist and Lena had encouraged me but I had yet to dial the damm  number. I simply didn't know how to and my fucking pride was something that just kept eating me alive and getting in the way. 

But I knew I couldn't afford to let it get in the way anymore. I had two grandchildren coming, I had a family to lead and me being dead would not solve a fucking thing at all. Not one damm ass thing as I close my eyes letting my mind wander to the million thoughts in my damm head.

I am a strong person, or was and I somehow need to find that strength I use to have for if I entered Chowchilla now, I'd probably get my ass kicked.  I hurt many people in there and I can't get past thinking that this is the karma. The revenge for everything I had done, for all the pain I caused people in there even if Lena said that was the furthest thing from the truth. Even Roxy said so and Mama Rose but I still struggled to believe that myself.

I also knew my father was looking down at me in shame and disgust like he did when I told him I was pregnant with Jude and then Frankie. He had almost killed me when I told him I was pregnant a second time, and I thought he might for he had literally beat the shit out of me in the worst way possible. I ended up with broken ribs, a cracked jaw, a black eye and a busted lip and had to go to the ER that night to make sure the baby I was pregnant with was ok.

FLASHBACK

"He's a fucking piece of shit Stef. Fuck Frank. Move in wit me! It will be all fine and good." Roxy says to me as we are waiting in the county hosptial room as Jude had fallen asleep on my lap. After what my father had done to me I needed to get my baby checked out to make sure she was ok considering I was still in my first trimester.  "I mean you ok? Other then you being all fucked? You feel anything off?"

"No. I still feel her moving." I rub my stomach feeling my tears burn my face as it is throbbing like crazy and I can barely see out of my eye for it is so swollen from my father punching it that it feels glued shut as Roxy places the ice pack on it once again.

"I'm sure she's ok, she strong and you ain't bleeding or nothing. And it's good you still feel her. Just fuck him, I can't believe he hit you like that. What the fuck kind of father does that shit? So what if you pregnant again. Fuck him."

"He warned me Rox. He warned me the first time and now that it happened again he said I'm trash shit and no longer his daughter. Threw my clothes out on the fucking lawn and everything else I owned. Took all my money.  Not like I didn't see it coming Rox." I laugh rubbing Jude's back up and down.

"Fuck him Stef. Fuck him! You got a home wit me!" She says grabbing my hand as I continue to rub Jude's back. " Jude don't need to see his Mama getting her ass kicked by his grandfather. He don't Stef."

"I know.  I know Rox. We'll be ok." I say looking up and seeing a skinny light skin woman with curly hair enter the ER who's face looked just as bad as mine. She looks back at me and quickly covers her busted eye in embarrassment as I rub my stomach hoping to God my baby is ok. 

FLASHBACK ENDS

That night they had kept me for observation and asked a shit load of fucking question. I just told  them I fell down the fucking stairs which I knew they didn't believe. It was a terrible fucking lie but I was just relieved my babygirl was ok, that was all I really cared about but I had no idea that her father would beat me even worse.  No clue at all.

And he did and Callie's words at the hotel really got to me. Saying that I couldn't handle the situation and that Jude had to handle it for me. Shit, if anything stung it was that and I just didn't recognized her anymore. Not one bit of her and even if it was her illness talking, and her coming off her drugs, Callie words stung like crazy and I wasn't sure if I'd ever get past them. Ever for I still carried alot of guilt for ending up in Chow for the first place.

Closing my eyes again I hear the sound of the organ and a choir begin to practice. Their song nearly kills me as I feel more tears fall from my eyes making me loose all sense of time as I sit and listen to song after song just wanting to feel at ease for even a minute. But was that possible and could I ever forgive myself for all I had one and all my mistakes? Could I?