A Life Completed (Hard Time Series Book 5)

A Visit

NOTE: This story addresses unchecked and untreated mental illness and what can happen as a result of it. Callie's behavior is a result of this. This is a very delicate matter so please be sensitive to this in your comments. Thank you.

--------------------

STEF POV

Once a month I drove to Sacramento cemetery which was almost an hour away from our home to visit Tula's grave. I would buy her favorite flowers from our local florist and spend a good hour sitting there and talking to her. Maybe it was ridiculous, maybe it was stupid but it was something no one knew I did for the past four years, not even my wife. 

It had never been my intention to keep this a secret but I guess I just never got around to telling Lena. Maybe I was afraid of her reaction? Maybe she would think I was in fact in love with Tula, or I just wasn't sure. But the truth is her death rattled the fuck out of me and the nightmares and guilt I carried just aren't letting up.

Parking in the same spot that I have every time I come here I grab the flowers and head over to her headstone, that I had paid for without anyone's knowledge for the state buried her since she had no family, no next of kin nothing. It didn't feel right to just dump here somewhere, without anyone knowing her name, who she was or anything. Smiling I touching the headstone and place her flowers down as I see the ones I brought the month before have already died as I move them out the way.

Honestly, I still don't know why I blame myself for what she did to herself, but maybe it was because I felt I broke my promise. A promise I made to her in prison that I'd always take care of her even if she wasn't my woman. But, we had turned into something else when she was released. I had crossed so many boundaries, so had she to the point i let it threaten my marriage. Twice. And to the point that Lena questioned me numerous times what my intentions were. And if I loved her. Truth was, I did love her. I did very much so and that happened a few months after we meet in Chowchilla.

FLASHBACK

"Sooo what's going to happen. Huh, Stefanie?" Tula asks straddling my naked lap with her body as she begins to play with my long hair twirling it around her fingers. Leaning my back against the wall she looks into my eyes smiling as I light a smoke and rub my hand over her thigh.

"With what babe? I'm not fucking mind reader, you now Tu."

"Si. I know."

"Then what? What's gonna happen with what?" I speak softly to her like always as she looks into my eyes smiling and grabbing my smoke taking a puff.

"You know, they have donors now."

"Donors?Can you stop the code?" I laugh as she grins wide at me continuing to play with my hair.

"Like sperm donors for having a baby. Since I'm not fucking a man, you know. I was reading about it online in the library."

"You want a baby, Mn?" I whisper continuing to rub her legs as she nods at me.

"Si. I always wanted to make a family. Is that stupid?"

"No. Not at all baby. You are entitled to your dreams sweetheart." I smile now playing with her long black hair.

"Just, with the right person. Someone who loves kids like me, and is generous and kind and tough and protective, and someone beautiful that I love being around.  I'd love a baby with someone like that. A house, you know it doesn't have to be fancy, with a little yard a swing. Is that hard? I mean is it ok to daydream? I always wanted a little girl."

Her eyes are soft and shy for I know she is talking about me. I know she wants a baby with me, she said it in the past jokingly but I know she means it.  We had originally just fucked and it meant nothing but, it has almost been a year and I can see her feelings are deeper. If mine are, I can't allow them to be.