Peace of the Heart (Cacher Series #1)

Kabanata 24

Kabanata 24

Sudden

(TW: Suicide)

"Miss Martiza? Ayos lang po ba kayo? Ilang araw na kayong hindi lumalabas..." Narinig ko ang boses ni Santy.

I couldn't stop my tears from falling. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from sobbing.

I am not okay... what he has done to me is not okay! He wronged me! Not just me but my whole existence! My purpose! I feel so dirty that I can't even glance at myself on the mirror.

Bakit ako?

Do I deserve this?

"Senyorito, hindi pa rin po siya nagsasalita."

Hindi na ako nakinig pa sa usapan nila. Nahihirapan akong maglakad, tumayo at kumilos lalo na ang pagsasalita. Diring-diri ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan kukuha ng lakas para harapin ang bagong bukas. Hindi ko masabi. Hindi ako makahingi ng tulong. Wala akong malapitan.

Isang katok ang aking narinig.

"Martiza, are you okay? We're worried..."

Natabunan ang boses ni Kuya Wancho ng aking paghikbi.

"Do you want to talk about something?" he probed.

Hindi ako sumagot.

He sighed.

I'm sorry... I don't want you to be involved. I'm sorry, I can't tell a thing. I know you are doing your best in the company... I don't want it to crumple... and most likely... I don't want you dead... I know that you'll be a good father in the future. I don't want to be a selfish person.

"Are you okay? I'll check on you later. Alcaeus wants to visit."

I smiled painfully.

"T-Tell him that I don't want any visitors," I replied weakly.

"Okay?" I couldn't see his face but I can sense that he's confused.

"And Kuya..."

"Hmm?"

"Thank you... for everything..." Sinsero kong sabi at kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi.

Hindi siya nakasagot.

"I know that you'll be a good father..."

"I hope so."

Naramdaman ko ang kan'yang pag-alis. Isang hikbi ang aking pinakawalan.

"With my guidance..."

Wala akong ginawa kun'di ang umiyak. Wala naman akong ibang magagawa kun'di tanggapin na lang 'yung nangyari. Kapag nagsalita ako... maraming inosente ang madadamay. Mas mabuti na 'yung ako na lang 'yung nahihirapan. Pero... hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa akin nangyari ang bagay na 'yon? Ang dami ko pang pangarap, ang dami ko pang gustong gawin. Walang tumatakbo sa utak ko kun'di... ang dumi ko ng babae. May nakauna na sa akin... at hindi 'yon ang mapapang-asawa ko. Ang malala pang isipin ay... ginahasa ako.

Parang... tumigil 'yung buhay ko at hindi ko na alam kung paano pa magpapatuloy. 'Yung mga pangarap ko biglang bumagsak. 'Yung plano ko na makapagtapos... malabong-malabo na. 'Yung pangarap ko na magkaroon ng pamilya... hindi ko na nakikita pa. Wala na akong makita pa para sa sarili ko.

I can't keep on going. I can't see my purpose. I can't fight. I can't speak.

What's the purpose of living if I can't do anything?

I'm so tired.

At first, I was so blinded by love that I didn't see the conflict coming. I focused on love too much. I ignored my brother's rift because I believed that it was not something to prioritize; I have my own problems. I was wrong. It has been months, and they are still not okay. Second, my family is staying in the house. I thought it was not something to think about; maybe my parents chose to take a break from the industry. But my parents had been holding everything. And last, I did not connect the dots with the hints that were given to me. Alui had saved me on that night at prom. That devil kept on saying creepy words. I now get it. I prioritized love so much that it ruined me.