Peace of the Heart (Cacher Series #1)

Kabanata 34

Kabanata 34

Speak

But of course, I need a strong patience. It wasn't always rainbow, there are still cloudy days. Not because you underwent therapy it would automatically mean that you are finally okay. It doesn't work that way. It's not easy to overcome everything that traumatized you.

There are days that I feel empty, lonely, sad, and worried. I somehow still blame myself. I am just glad that I am finally being relieved at some things, at some point.

I wiped off my tears as I stared stupidly at the wall.

Patuloy ako sa pagkagat sa aking labi. Kanina ko pa ito hindi tinitigilan. Nakalasa na rin ako ng dugo, mukhang natapyas na nang sobra ang mga balat. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Hindi ko naman ipinipilit na gumaling ang sarili ko nang mabilisan, handa naman akong maghintay. Siguro kaya ako nagkakaganito dahil may kulang pa.

"Martiza?" Kuya Wancho knocked on my door.

Nalipat ang aking tingin sa pinto. Bukas iyon, tinatamad akong tumayo. At paniguradong magaalala na naman siya kapag naabutan niya ang aking sitwasyon. Agad kong pinunasan ang aking mga luha at dugo sa aking labi, ngunit kahit ano'ng pagpunas ang gawin ko ay ayaw talaga maalis sa aking mukha ang kakaibang nararamdaman. Paniguradong mababasa niya pa rin ako.

He finally went it. He caught me wiping off my tears that made him stop. I scanned his hands, his holding my medicines and a glass of water. He sighed heavily upon realizing that... I am having a hard time again.

"What happened?" He asked worriedly.

I shook my head.

"Tell me. What happened?"

Dumalo siya sa akin at sumampa rin siya sa kama. Isinantabi niya ang aking mga medisina at agaran siyang tumabi sa akin.

"Ano'ng nangyari?" Kinakabahan niyang tanong.

Patuloy lang ako sa pagpunas ng aking mga luha. Hindi rin ako makatingin ng diretso kay Kuya Wancho dahil mukhang nauubusan na siya ng panahon sa akin.

"I may be tired from all of these, but you can talk to me, you can update me, so that I'd be aware on your situation. Ano ba ang nangyayari sa'yo? Lagi kang wala sa sarili. You don't let me meddle with your doings and sometimes you just cry. Please... aware me... talk to me... I feel like I'm such an irresponsible brother..." He whispered the last part.

I stared at him as he shed a tear.

Hindi ko pala iniisip ang kapakanan niya. He doesn't really do open up things to me. I didn't hear a word after his released from prison, I didn't hear a word about what happened, I didn't see him weak after Frence's death. He was so strong and patient because of me. He's been carrying a lot on his plate. I want to ask him about things, I want to ask if he is okay. I am such a burden for him.

"Nahihirapan din ako. I-I am still blaming myself..." he started. "That maybe I-I was the reason why Darrel turned out like that... That maybe if I didn't c-choose love, you wouldn't be left... traumatized. I-It's all my fault..."

He broke down.

"I-I miss our brother so much, Martiza... I miss our parents..."

I hugged and caressed his back. I could hear his unwanted sobs.

I want to say sorry. I want him to hear my apology. I want to lessen his pain because he doesn't deserve this. I miss Kuya Darrel also... at this point, I don't know if I should still call him 'Kuya'. I hate him. He's the reason of our suffering here in another country. But seeing Kuya Wancho broke down because of him... pains me. I barely remember Kuya Darrel's face, but I don't know why I could hear his voice in my mind. I could hear our happy voices behind the shadow.