Skin Deep

(23) Down the Abyss

Warning: This chapter includes situations that may be unsettling to readers. Continue with caution!

Noah

The first time I had tried to kill myself I was ten years old. Grabbed the biggest knife I could find from our kitchen drawer and slashed my wrists so deep the scars still show on the outside as much as they are on the inside.

I wish I could say it was just a fluke of desperation. Of kid wonderment after being gang-raped by a group of older girls in the alleyway I had found myself walking in so I could get back home. I'd done this many times, as my mom wasn't a reliable person to drive me to and fro school everyday and I wasn't registered to go on the bus.

But, it wasn't a fluke.

Because the day I tried to kill myself and landed in a psychiatric ward for a year, I got out at eleven and my mom was dating him. Bobby, the strip club owner and my mom seemed to care about me even less.

At eleven years of age, I had learned to never again walk alone in that street. So, I made my mom register me on a bus.

All was good and fine. Until this one girl destroyed my life. Told me she knew that I had sex with her older sister and her friends. That I practically begged for it and then cried for attention when it was over. She told me that I deserved to die.

She said that she wished I'd finished the job when I tried to kill myself.

I cried that night more than any other night in my life, including the time I was raped because someone knew my truth. My deepest secret and they had found me unworthy. Lacking. Had wished I killed myself.

That night, I broke the picture frame of mom and me and picked up the broken glass shards, making them slam into my wrists and this time I meant to finish the job, but I guess the big man above had other plans for me because he saved me again.

I woke up in a hospital bed and was released within a week.

And then mom was getting married to Bobby and we moved within a year to Sacramento.

My first day there I had so much pent up anger. I was mad at my mom for moving in with someone that made her neglect me. I was mad that I had to start another school in the middle of the year.

And then I saw her. Kai.

And Kai was not only the prettiest thing I'd ever seen, but she looked almost exactly like the girl who raped me and completely destroyed me. She looked like Kayla Marks.

I know that it wasn't right. Taking my anger out on a girl who didn't do anything to me. I mean, it wasn't her fault she looked like the girl who helped to destroy my life.

But, I was so blinded by my anger that I forgot how unfair I was being and honestly, I never really knew how much I'd truly hurt Kai until she had finally told me. I realized that the reaction I got from her and knowing that I'd made her cry every night wasn't what I wanted.

I didn't want her to feel as helpless and out of control as I had in my younger years. I never wanted to do that to her, but it didn't hit me until I was forced to hear the truth of what I had done to her. The damage I had caused her.

seven years ago

It was a windy day and I was running furiously home. I just wanted to be in the comfort of my bed and as I had approached the familiar alleyway I had always passed in order to get to my house, a group of glamorous girls were smoking and drinking and laughing with one another. All had thick mascara and plump, red lips. Every girl had worn some variation of pumps or high heels and their tops glittering and sparkling.

They all seemed so grown up and sophisticated, it was intimidating to me.

As I began to pass by them with my eyes to the ground, the girls all seemed to stop laughing. "Hey cutie." One of them said. She had auburn hair. The type that when you saw it, you knew that was their natural hair color. They didn't get that out of a bottle.

I kept walking. I didn't pay attention because I knew better. After all, my mom taught me not to talk to strangers and it seemed imperative that I follow that rule. Especially with them.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" And then, everything seemed to get away from me as that auburn haired girl had pulled me by my backpack and slammed me on the hard concrete floor while her friends just laughed and egged her on.

And before I knew it, I was completely naked in front of them and they had each taken a turn fucking me. Even when my penis wasn't erect anymore and was so sore I would scream and cry and even when I pissed myself from being so scared and humiliated. None of that seemed to matter to them.

They just kept going, taking my innocence and whatever kindness I had gone with the reality of what those women did to me. What they took from me.

Present day

Pain clenches at my throat so hard in that moment that it is hard to breathe. My hands grow clammy and my heart hammers inside my chest.

Kai was honest enough to finally let me know how much I hurt her. I succeeded in what I wanted to do, but instead of feeling triumphant like I thought I would, I just feel empty and hollow.

My past is dark. If I told Kai the truth, maybe she'd forgive me. Maybe she'd understand, but what if she didn't? What if she would tell me to go kill myself like Kayla's younger sister had?

I'm not a little boy anymore and I can defend myself just fine now, but what those women did to me in an alleyway took my innocence way too young.

One day I was just a young boy wanting to go home to do my homework and play my video games and the next, life just began to be way too much. It wasn't fun anymore and I didn't feel like me. I felt dirty and used up.

But how do I explain that all to Kai? I don't think I can.

"Will you make sure all the girls are doing what they're supposed to?" Bobby asks me from in his chair behind his desk.

Fine by me. My thoughts were suffocating me as it was.

And as I venture out into the strip club that I might one day inherit, I find myself searching for the one person I know I shouldn't. The one person who wants things I can't give her. Who deserves things I'm not capable of feeling.

But I can't find her anywhere. It's Thursday at ten and that's one of her usual times she works. Teagan's here working behind the bar, but no sign of Kai.

I decide to suck it up and so, I head over to the bar where Teagan is. I don't even have to say anything. Teagan just starts talking. "She got fired and no I don't know where she is." And as if that settles things, he goes back to preparing drinks and ignoring me. Well, that just won't do. Besides he's clearly lying.

"And if you did?" I try.

Without looking at me, Teagan answers. "I still wouldn't answer."

"Why did she get fired?" I ask, circling back to what he'd said.

"Look, it was really the best thing for her. So, leave her alone. She's in a good place right now and she doesn't need you screwing that up for her." What Teagan says makes sense, so why does it hurt so much?

It isn't like he's going to hear me complaining about her losing her job. I thought I was going to go bankrupt just trying to get her out of other guy's pants and Bobby isn't the best boss to have.

So, I'm clearly not going to get anything out of Teagan, but what about Candy? I'm sure she's got to know something and before I know what I'm doing, I make my way to where Candy is currently grinding on a younger looking guy, fully prepared to question her as much as I have to. I don't fully know why yet, but I need to find Kai. I just can't be away from her, so why keep fighting it?