That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 10

"When you look without attention you won't see.
When you look with much attention you won't see either."
Being someone who was always giving much thinking and much care for Rayan i decided i must be careful when trying to ignore him. And so to give him average care so as i don't look making effort trying to erase him from the picture.
At first, i stopped looking at him in class, instead i decided to give my eyes and attention to the second boy in rank of beauty.
And that sure meant "Salim darroze" for me.
Although there was more handsome dark headed and strong willed arab princes in our class. But my eyes settled on him.
Salim was eye catchingly tall. he didn't have so much to praise about his looks .. And he had his hair so fair he seemed not to have eyebrows. And skin so pale he looked like a vampire. But he had blue eyes to keep the one busy staring at them.
I didn't have anything about me to praise to be honest. So even Salim was far away from my league.
Anyways i decided to make him my next project of love.
When i remember that silly thinking of mine now that i went through the storms and winds of my twenties i find it very silly and very fun.
Forgetting someone needed someone else to fill the empty space.
Sick logic .. But it worked for me then.
Whenever i missed Rayan so much i wanted to have just one glimpse of him i would look at Salim instead.
When the thought of Rayan invaded all my brain i would busy my self observing Salim holding his pen  and drawing shapes in his books.
I cheered for Salim in the gym class test, Although he had the longest legs in class, He still ranked third in running. Fifth in jumping. But i cheered for him anyways.
Like i said, I did a whole project of falling in love again. Only that time it wouldn't be so consuming and without a hope.
I was doing just fine when suddenly Rayan's face blocked the image that day at the end of may.
We were two feet away from summer vacations so half the class was absent.
I only attended because my mother would enslave me in the house chores if i stayed by her side.
Salim was there for only god knows why.
Rayan too.
And for some reason.. Rayan decided to make me regret my decision of going to school by standing in front of my table So close he wiped all the effort i spent in trying to forget all about him.
He looked at me impatiently and ordered:
_" i need your name on this list"
He then placed a white sheet paper on my desk.
With "attendance" written big and clear in the top of it.
I looked at the empty paper .. And then i looked at him and asked:
_" i'm the first to write my name? Why didn't you write yours?"
And this was the first thing i said to him in two weeks.
He gave me a serious look .. And then he ordered:
_" then write my name for me. Make sure everyone writes their names and then hand me the paper at the end of the day"
And without waiting for another word from me .. He went back to his seat. And started going through his book again.
I sighed in discomfort .. Held my pen. Wrote my name .. And then wrote his.
After i curved the line .. And put the point above ( the way the letter N is written in arabic " ن " )
I kept staring at his name for so long.
It's weird how can the one have such passion for a name.
After sometime i slapped my face to wake up and then i decidedly wrote the name i should cherish the most ..Salim's name ! . and then passed the paper to the classmate sitting in front of me.
After the paper finished circling around the class the young history teacher who was sitting lazily behind her desk allowing the whole class to chat and move as they wished finally decided to do something to kill her boredom.
And thus .. The list that was initially to deliver at the end of the day was caught by her and she decided to investigate whether we injected few other names that didn't even exist.
So she stood up and started calling the names.
After she already wiped 3 "ghost" students she called again:
_"Salim Darroze"
So Salim rose his hand again and yelled:
_" here"
She looked at him suspiciously for a moment and then she said as if she caught the thief who robbed the world:
_" you've just raised your hand .. Didn't you? Are you covering for someone else?"
Salim sighed and replied:
_" no, you called my name twice"
Only then the thunderstorm hit my head and i realised my stupid mistake!!
Why did i write his name!!
After going and coming. The teacher finally shouted:
_" who wrote his name?"
I felt like fainting of embarrassment as i was holding my hand shamelessly.
There wasn't any escape anyways . one look at the bubbly handwriting and the teacher would know it was this girl's deed.
The teacher gave me one look and said:
_" are you thinking of him so much you wrote his name absentmindedly? He's here and he's going nowhere without you"
The whole class exploded of laughter . even Salim him self turned to look at me and smiled embarrassed and confused.
I only wished i could dig a hole a burry my self in it.
The whole class thought i'm in love with him!
I spent the few minutes rest of the class in resenting my self and ignoring the gossip around me.
And soon the bell rang i ran to the restroom to wash the blush off of my face.
After i got back to class .. Only few students were left .
I decided to skip the class too.. So i was gathering my things when i suddenly saw Salim standing in front of me.
Seeing him from afar he looked tall .. Seeing him from close he looked like an endless tree!
I couldn't possibly ignore such a person so embarrassed i explained:
_"i'm sorry about what just happened. Initially i was thinking of writing all names. But then i realised i only knew few of them .. So i passed the list"
He smiled from ear to ear and then he teased:
_" and you only knew my name?"
I didn't know what to say .. So i just pretended to be busy collecting my pencils.
_" no big deal, she knew my name too. She wrote it for me too" Rayan suddenly interrupted us while putting the attendance list on my table.
When i raised my face to look at him.. I found him giving us this indifferent look as if the matter we were discussing was so silly for his almighty.
The opposite of love is neglecting.
The opposite of great love is hatred.
I must have loved him great deal because at that moment i felt that i hated him so much i yelled:
_" i wrote your name because you asked me to. I wrote his name because i wanted to!"
When i finished talking i found the two men staring at me with total different faces.
One was red and confused.
One was bored and indifferent.
I wish i could tell you that the red face belonged to Rayan. But i'm sorry to disappoint you.. He only pointed his finger towards the attendance paper and ordered:
_" you take it to the administration, Layla is absent today so you take it for her"
Such a shameless act!
I didn't even have the chance to refuse because his almighty already walked out of the class .. So i could only take the paper like his personal maid and bring it to the administration office.
After i came back to class again i only found Salim still standing by my table still waiting for me.
I felt so embarrassed again i forgot how to walk!
When i finally reached my seat and took my bag he suddenly said:
_" should i take what happened today as a confession of love?"
I had no idea what to say!
If i said "no" it would be a lie.
If i said " yes" it would be a lie too.
So i stood silent .. And didn't say a word.
And that's when he added:
_" you're a beautiful girl. And you're someone with much integrity and respect. The feelings you have for me i can't overlook them .. But i can't say that i love you now. So would you accept to be my girlfriend with the promise of cherishing you and loving you in the future?"
I was so shocked of what he said that i stared at him with my mouth wide open for a long time.
Salim was so mature for a 16 years old boy.
Even the men around me now in their thirties still run after their tales and still go south in a north path.
Taking my stupefaction as a sign of feminine timidity, Salim took one step in front of me and said :
_" i'll walk you to the school gate if that suits you. We'll meet tomorrow and talk"
I just nodded, held my bag .. And followed him.
We didn't say a thing along the small way.
He only waved me goodbye and watched me as i walked far from school when he walked the opposite way.
I was in a confused state the whole day .. I didn't believe that i actually got Salim as my boyfriend only after i met him in the next morning waiting for me in front of the school gate that i came back to my senses. And believed what was happening.
Back at that time, due to all the bullying in school and the scorn from my own family i couldn't see the value of my self.
I only looked at my self in all the wrong mirrors so i couldn't see the beauty in me.
So when Salim didn't reject me.. Instead of feeling happy, i felt like his only reason for doing so was that he pitied me since he had a good heart. And that is the reason why from the very first moment.. I didn't take our relationship all the way down to my heart.
Salim looked cheerful like he always was .. Once i reached him he gave me a beautiful smile and said:
_" good morning"
I nodded nervous and greeted him back.
Asking how i was .. How i spent the night.
And walking me to my class.
Of all the boyfriends i ever had .. Salim was the kindest and bigger hearted.
Whenever i was treated badly i would always remember that men like Salim existed too. And that i deserve to be treated with respect.
When we finally reached our class i noticed the number of students in our class increased by double.
Once Salim and I walked inside the class they all kept silent only giving us side looks.
_" everyone is here today to watch us, i feel like i'm Mohanad and you're my noor" Salim suddenly hushed to me. ( Mohanad and Noor : Gumus: really famous Turkish drama at the time)
I turned to look at him and then i couldn't keep my laughter anymore.
So we laughed together.
_"say, are you two a couple now?" One classmate asked shamelessly.
Salim gave me a reassuring smile and then said:
_" yes.. She's my girlfriend"
The nosy girl looked like having a heart attack. Lots of students gasped in startle too.
I went to sit in my desk. So Salim sat on the chair next to mine.
Maybe it was all natural for him to sit there, but the me who was alone for a whole year almost cried of emotions.
_" are you a couple for serious?" The same classmate asked again.
I didn't quite get what was so awkward about us going out.
And i didn't care about their opinions.
_" i guess everyone is envying us" Salim hushed to me while giving me a worm look.
So i just gave him a wide smile and said:
_" thank you for accepting me"
I still wonder why Salim didn't reject me at that time. He knew i was the girl that has been bullied until she had no self esteem anymore.
He knew i had nothing about me .. And that i was so locked to my self that i would hardly communicate with him.
He never tried to kiss me.. Nor even held my hand.
But treated me so gently that he healed all my wounds.
I wonder if he was the angel on earth that god made for me.