That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 32

Breaking up with Rayan in 2010 meant that he didn't yet have a phone that i could call.
Nor an account were i could let a long message cursing him at the beginning of it and then begging him to come back to me at the end.
Breaking up with him felt like sending him to a war zone where i had no mean to contact him again.
Without even a picture left of him.. All i had was memories.
If you wonder whether i cried.. Well of course i did at the start. Cried so much.
It felt painful beyond what i could imagine.
Even my family having no idea about my relationship with him still noticed i was so much different than my usual self.
My mother then asked me:
_" are you having problems in college like you did before in highschool? .. I know you are not the social type -to my bad luck- and that's why i always told you not to get so effected by others! so how do you still end up looking miserable? "
Even in her weird way .. She was concerned with me too.
I was stuck in that state of hardly eating .. Hardly sleeping for so long.
And then one day i just decided that " i have to move on .. And to avoid any possible heartbreaks in the future, i shall never love anyone that way again"
Maybe "i will like someone else"  .. But not a love where i put my whole heart and everything for some cold jerk.
With that being decided .. I started a new life.
At first, i only focused on my studies.
I stopped hanging out so much with Yassmine .. And started spending more time with Anouar.
He guided me through my early struggle in college. Although half the subjects were in Arabic .. To my bad luck the other half of them was in French.
And it had lots of calculations and things to memorize.
Anouar was like my guardian Angel through all of that.
To be honest, he never helped me whole hearted .. I could always see the look of discomfort on his face. I even felt my self like a parasite. But i had to be shameless if i wanted to survive my first year in college. Especially that i knew no other colleague except for him.
As for the rest, There wasn't so much to remember from my first months in college.
Yassmine and I made this undeclared agreement not to talk about Rayan at all.
Imad didn't mention him either. Still, every time i saw Badro coming to our college to surprise Yassmine with a visit i envied her for having a boyfriend who truly cherished her.
I remember sometime around November, after my 19 th birthday .. Badro came to visit Yassmine.
He took her hand and walked away with her.
And i was left standing with Imad.
I looked at the boy with thick eyelashes and a sad look beside me and i asked:
_" don't you selfishly wish that you could have his place sometimes?"
Imad looked at the happy couple .. And then gave me half a smile:
_"not sometimes.. all the time"
I expected him to say "never" .. Or " i can't even think of that because that would be a betrayal to my best friend" or even give me a cold stare and say: " how dare you ask such question!"
Even me, asking a shameless question, His answer still caught me off guard. So i didn't know what i should say next.
Imad shook his head and added:
_" i'm seeing other girls . you know? But i end up getting bored with them within days. I guess it's like Rayan said .. Loving is like a necktie"
That was the first time that certain someone was mentioned.
The look on Imad's face said that what he said was on purpose.
That it was high time i stopped ignoring a certain existence.
I sighed .. And asked:
_"how is Rayan doing?"
That was the first time i mentioned him in almost two months.
I needed two months to pronounce his name correctly without bursting in tears.
Imad seemed somehow releived. And then he finally answered:
_" i don't know .. We haven't talked for so long"
I smiled in bitter. And added:
_" i guess i wasn't the only one tossed to the side in his life"
Imad looked at Yasmine and Badro pensively for some time .. And then he turned to look at me and said:
_" i don't know about you Nadia but Rayan never put you to the side .. Not even once. Breaking up with you was probably the hardest thing he ever did"
Imad seemed like he took Rayan's side.
So for me , the dumped girl, that looked unjustified and unfair.
Especially that, long before Rayan came, Imad was MY friend!
So i looked at him with flames flying from my eyes and shouted:
_" in what way it's hard for him! He vanished for monthes and then one day he came to me and said 'oh.. Let's break up'.. He's probably drawing some freaking building with a beauty sitting by his right side and a smarty sitting by his left!"
Imad gave me an impatient look and said:
_" look Nadia .. I've known you since you were little and always considered you as a sister. If it wasn't for that i wouldn't have the heart to stand beside you here today.. It was you who found another man for your self and that's probably what made Rayan leave your side"
_" what man!" I shouted
_" Anouar" he answered coldly.
I looked at him with disdain and explained:
_" if you knew me even for so little you would know that there's nothing between Anouar and I . he's just someone who is kind enough to help me through my studies and i never saw him further than a colleague"
_" what?" Imad asked confused.
But i was already hurt with what he said to me .. So i added in bitter:
_" back in middle school, when everyone thought so badly of you and Badro.. I never believed the lies they invented about you and i came to ask you first about it. Couldn't you do the same at least? I think we shouldn't talk to each other for the time being"
And then i left angry.
_" Nadia .. Wait.. I'm sorry." Imad yelled behind me.
But i was already walking towards my department with both Yassmine and Badro looking at me confused.
I may be a liar.. I may sugarcoat my words to appease others .and set the worst example for keeping promises.
But i can't go so low to betray someone's trust. I couldn't believe that -Even my friends- couldn't trust me that much.
What happened next .. Is that on the very next day i found Rayan waiting at our bus stop.
He was wearing a black leather jacket .. Large jeans. His hair was longer and he had a bit of beard.
He looked older.
Once my eyes fell on him i felt my heart tighten so much and i wanted to run away.
It hurts so much to see your ex for the first time after break up, doesn't it?
I held Yassmine's arm so tight and i asked:
_" what is he doing here?"
She looked at Rayan who didn't seem giving us the slightest attention and mumbled:
_"i don't know, maybe he has stuff to do in our college"
I hardly nodded, And hushed:
_" maybe"
_" Imad wants to apologize to you, tell, What happened yesterday? It's unusual for you both to have a fight" yassmine added.
I gave her a cold stare and said:
_" i won't accept his apology for a week .. And then i'll forgive him"
_" ok, i'll let him know" she smiled.
Yassmine was always warm ..even in a cold November day.
She was waiting with me for that bus to arrive .. And blocking Rayan from my sight.
In that moment .. I felt so thankful to her that i offered:
_" i'll buy you something very delicious to eat today. I feel like eating a lot after seeing that cold jerk again"
She nodded.. And didn't comment.
When the bus finally arrived .. There was so many students fighting to get a seat that, I -being a sensitive girl- ended up without a seat.
Yassmine looked at me apologetically from her seat and offered to hold my bag for me.
I gave her my bag .. And stood up against a window.
No matter how hard i tried to ignore a certain someone.. I still noticed him the moment he walked on the bus. The moment he took the seat at the front so effortlessly.
The moment he stood up and left his seat for some girl.
And the moment he walked towards me.
It's really amazing to realize how peripheral vision can be so intense and precise when it comes to watching the one that you love.
The closer he walked towards me.. The louder were my heartbeats.
I couldn't breathe.. And i hated my self for feeling that way even after he broke up with me.
"Still loving him"
I opened the window .. And i let November chill fill my lungs.
i wanted to pretend not to notice him.. But he made it so hard.
Because he stood right behind me .. And he extended his long arm right above my shoulder and leaned on the frame in front of me.
He caged me between him and the window.
The bus was so crowded that no one would pay so much of attention to the intimacy Rayan was shielding me with.
At that moment .. I hated him so much.. And i loved him so much.
My heart was so confused with these contradicted feelings that it gave a beat for love and followed with a beat for hatred.
Only Rayan can make my heart do this much effort.
The crowd around us were so noisy.. Rayan and I were silent like a grave.
I tried hard to steady my self along the drive .. I didn't want to fall behind me to Rayan's embrace if the driver hit the breaks so hard.
And i wished he would steady him self too and never to touch me the slightest.
we both succeeded in doing that, Even when i felt my kidney was about to jump out of my body from the sudden stop, I still didn't move an inch. Nor did he.
All was well .. Until Rayan suddenly hushed:
_" come back to me"
I was surprised .. Because his voice was so close to my ear.
Was he leaning his head on me without me realising?
His demand tormented my heart.
But i chose not to answer.
After a long silence .. He hushed again:
_" i was wrong .. Come back to me"
I kept silent.
Until the bus finally came to a stop.. So i turned to look at him.
He was so close.. So close that i could count his eyelashes..
I pushed him. And walked out.. Before he realises that my heart was willing to go back.
I walked few steps out of the bus .. I couldn't wait for Yassmine to come.
But the longer i walked.. The more i felt his steps following me and his scent filling the air around.
So i turned to look behind me at some point ..and i found him there.
You see.. He always did that .. Just followed me until i noticed but never called my name to turn behind.
It's like.. even when he's pursuing me, he still wants "me" to find him instead.
And i had my share of that already.
I stopped walking .. Not even looking at him i said firmly:
_" i will never come to you again"
He stood in front of me .. And looked at me.
It was that kind of gaze that makes your heart hurt so much and make your eyes move without your consent to meet his.
_"you left me.. That was your decision and not mine" i hushed.
In mocking ..
In biter..
I wanted him to know that i wasn't a game that he can have whenever he wanted .. And leave whenever he's bored.
He looked at me without a word.
Like always.
I couldn't stand his sight anymore .. So i wanted to walk pass him.
But he caught me again. And this time he said with a sad tone:
_" i was wrong .. I saw you with someone else. So I thought you were with him.. I never was enough for you, and i always had to fight for you ..i had enough, but i was wrong this time etc etc"
The longer he talked.. The heavier was my disappointment in him.
I wished he never told me the reason he broke up with me.. I didn't want to know how small he thought of me.
After sometime .. I hushed:
_"enough"
I didn't blame him .. Nor through a tantrum on him.
I simply said:
_" i will never come to you again even if you were the last man on earth. I'll find a man who trusts me"
Hearing my words.. I could see the colours fade from his sad face.
And i knew i hit something deep in him. Deeper than his love for me.
He nodded .. Gently. And then he said:
_" i see.. I wish you find a great man"
And just like he came .. He went.
Looking at the back of the man who broke us i couldn't but utter:
"Idiot"
And cry awfully.
When i try to understand Rayan that day.. I can only think of such examples:
For someone who is afraid of heights, he would panic and feel the ground moving around him even when his head is telling him it doesn't. And his fear is unjustified
For someone who is afraid of a closed room.. He would feel shortened of air and tight in the chest even when his mind is telling him there's nothing wrong with a closed tight room.
As for Rayan .. Even when his heart was telling him to trust me. Even when his mind was telling him to trust me .. He just couldn't.
He was so betrayed by the people he trusted the most that i came too late to fix that damage.
He had this serious "trust" phobia .. That i underestimated.
He needed so much time to mature and feel secure.
It's just that ..when he was finally ready to come for me .. I was no longer around.