That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 37

I didn't even need time to think.
My answer was clear.
I was going to refuse.
I may be the dumbest girl in the world.. But that man from my winters who i wanted him to come back to me when he starts trusting me, i decided to wait for him even more.
I can't possibly think of another man as long as "Rayan Amer" is still out there with a promise to come back.
But the thing is .. I only needed that time to think of a proper way to reject him without affecting my working environment .
But you see, Jamal who took my way pf treating him as "loving",  and my silence as a "yes" already started acting like my fiance!
He would find occasions to talk about "our" future house.. About the wedding date .. Life after wedding.
We even had to draw blood for some little girl, so he looked at her with a big smile .. And then he hushed to me:
_" how about having a girl like this too? .. And calling her Sabrine too!"
I always gave him vague answers to such suggestions. Like:
_"it's nice having a big house".. "It's good that the one lives in a comfortable household" .. " this girl is so cute, her parents must be so happy with her"  
I never even once gave him a hint that i was going to share anything with him.
But the longer he kept talking so weird .. The harder it was to reject him.
And then, during that time when i started avoiding Jamal .. Came something i never expected to see so soon.
Rayan Amer came to my life again that winter.
I remember that early February a case of suicide came to the emergency ward, or like the doctors like to call: "autolysis" .
It was a young man .. 23years old, who tried to commit suicide drinking probably some kind of caustic we yet didn't know what was.
The doctors took the case very seriously. The patient was in so much pain still they had to do exams on him as quick as possible.
This was a professional way of talking.
Speaking genuinely.. I was terrified.
That boy my age kept shouting of pain and wanting to vomit, the doctors kept trying to sedate him as if he was a raged dog.
I looked at him unmoved. That's when a hand patted on my shoulder startling me .. When i turned to look i found Jamal standing beside me.
_"let's get out.. There's enough crew with him already"
I nodded .. And then i followed him out of the examination hall.
_"this was your first case of this kind?"
I nodded.
He opened the door .. And while stepping out he commented:
_" you better get a stronger hold of your self .. You'll see worst things here"
The moment we stepped out of the room . two men dashed towards us with pale faces.
One of them was a short man who asked right away:
_"how is he? .. How bad is he? Is he going to survive?"
And the second one just stared at me startled .. With those dark beautiful eyes i always loved.
It was Rayan.
Such a small world it is ..
Who thought i'd meet him in a night shift in such circumstances.
While Jamal was trying to just say anything to comfort them, Rayan moved his eyes from me to Jamal .. To me again.
And didn't say a word.
He looked different from when i saw him a year and a half earlier.
He had really short hair, a light beard. He was wearing glasses and he looked skinnier.
Looking at those dark circles around his eyes tells me that things were difficult for him those days.
And i wondered..
How did i look inside his eyes every time he met me too.
_" it's been a long time .. How are you?" I asked after a bit of thinking and a bit of hesitation.
Rayan tried to paint a smile on his face when he answered:
_"i'm good .. How about you?"
But he failed to smile.
_"i'm fine, your friend will be having an endoscopy so soon and we'll inform you of his condition."
Jamal then shifted his attention from the panicky  short man towards us and asked:
_" you two know each other?"
I nodded shyly.
But what surprised the three of us was Rayan's answer.
He looked at Jamal sharply and said:
_"she was my serious girlfriend"
Boys never give such answers here.
If a stranger sees you with your wife and asks:
_"who is she?"
You'd say:
_"she's home"
If asked about your sister .. Or even your mother your answer still be: "she's home"
As for our case.. It's just: " we knew each other"
Unless that stranger wasn't a jury or a doctor, your not obliged to give him a full answer.
So i was surprised when Rayan lifted that custom all at sudden and spoke really decidedly.
Jamal looked at me somehow unpleased. And then he said:
_" we can't spend unnecessary time talking to a patient's guardian. We have work to do"
And then he grabbed my arm so hard and dragged me behind him!
I was so embarrassed to be treated that way in front of Rayan. But i couldn't make a fuss in front of him.
But when Jamal and I finally reached a place far enough from them i pushed his hand away and i scalded:
_"who gave you the right to touch me!"
He looked at me with flames coming out of his eyes and stressed:
_" i gave my self that right.. How dare you meet your ex in front of me? Am i a no man to you?"
I looked at him surprised.
Was he such a sadist all along?
_" just so you know.. I never said i agreed on marrying you. So you still have no right to touch me nor to object on any of my behaviours. I have patients to see so the both of us shouldn't waste time on I unnecessary talk"
I was so angry at that stupid Jamal that i had to pay so much attention not to make any mistakes with the patients.
When i went to the bathroom and i lifted my sleeves to check on my arm .. I found Jamal's fingers print still glowing red on my skin .. And it would probably turn bluish within a couple of hours.
I didn't even agree to marry him and he found it so natural to assault me and hurt my arm.
So if i married him .. His eye won't even blink when he beats me to death!
Thinking this way made my decision of refusing him so easy.
I said to my self:
"the next time i'll see him .. I'll refuse him for sure"
Around 2 am there was no patient left to my care.
So i stood up .. And walked to the nurses room to get a bit of sleep.
But walking across the waiting area i was surprised to find Rayan and his friend still waiting there!
They caught me right away.
So the short man ran to me right away and asked:
_"does the endoscopy take that long?"
Rayan followed him walking lazy .. Looking so sleepy.
I was surprised that they received no news that late.
So i said:
_" i'll go check on your friend.. I'll come to inform you about him right away"
And so i did,
Apparently, the doctor forgot to talk to them because he had so much chaos to deal with then. And the poor them just waited patiently all the time.
When i came back to them .. I put a smile on my face and explained:
_"your friend only drunk a diluted bleach which is almost harmless. He has an irritated stomach and he'll be just fine in few days. He's under sedatives now and he'll have a consultation with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I think you should treat him carefully these days"
They both nodded.
Thanked me.
And then .. I looked at Rayan . and i found it so hard to say goodbye again.
I wanted to ask " are you still planning to come for me again?" .. "Do you still have feelings for me?".
Should i find a new love?
But i didn't .. I just smiled awkwardly and dismissed my self.
And he .. He didn't follow.
__________________________
I couldn't sleep even for one minute that shift.
I went to the waiting area countless times.. Just wishing i'd find him still waiting there.
I knew he left .. But sometimes we become brainless, We don't take the chance when we get it .. And then we wish for the same miracle to happen again.
I walked.. And i walked that night.
But all i ended up with was a severe headache and total exhaustion.
I went back home only to find my mother cursing my sister's in-laws through the phone and asking my sister to come home.
Hidaya popped her head out of the kitchen and said:
_"you look like you had a rough night. You come to eat something and i'll go prepare the shower for you"
I nodded in exhaustion. But i ended up sleeping on the kitchen table with my scarf still around my head.
Getting my self so exhausted for him again. What was the purpose of it?
Loving him for 5 years unmoving and unbeatable. What's my heart aim out of it all?
I really worked hard on forgetting him and moving on. But i was still affected by him like that stupid 16 years old me who stood still like a statue in front of him not daring to say a word.
Thinking like that made me pity my self so much i started to cry.
Thinking about Rayan made my heart hurt so much i could only squeeze my palm so hard on that spot .. Cry so hard and mumble:
_"why did you come back when you're still not ready?"
.
I had my next day shift the day after that.
I went to the hospital burying my head in my winter coat when i suddenly found Rayan waiting at the hospital garden.
You see, if he was an ordinary person my eyes wouldn't catch him.
He was sitting in the middle of the garden almost lost in the crowd .. He seemed quiet even from  that long distance. Just like him.
I checked my clock .. And then i walked towards him.. Slowly .. Lighter than a tree leaf.
And when i finally reached his back i hushed:
_" hi"
He turned to look at me.. And almost like the time froze.. He smiled for me.
_" you're looking like freezing?" He laughed.
And i was ..the winter of 2013 was the worst in the history of algeria i bet.
Rayan walked closer to me .. And then he hushed:
_" i froze too waiting for you to come, so i can't give you my jacket or something."
I just laughed.
I always loved talking to him even if we talked for so little. He always felt like home.
_" why are you waiting for me?" I asked.
_" just because.  i needed to see you again after that night"
I wasn't sure what to say.
Maybe that "i spent that night looking like a crazy for him" or "that i missed him so much",
Or..
" i still love you.."
But what i said instead was:
_" i'm happy to see you again"
And that's of course .. the biggest truth.
He walked beside me towards the emergency ward.
And he said:
_"i'll spend the day in the waiting area.. I want to meet your new world"
I looked at him surprised and asked:
_" is that ok? .. Don't you have studies?"
He sighed.
And explained:
_" seeing a friend try to kill him self out of studies stress made me look at life differently. And i promised my self to live this day as if it was my last. At least this day"
I gave his words a bit of thinking .. And then i philosophically commented:
_" So.. you want to live your last day in life observing the others suffering and weak moments in the hospital and you want to give them words of comfort and have good deeds in your last day"
He laughed.. For so long.
And he looked at me .. With his eyes shouting that 'he missed me too'.
And then looking at the crowded entry he added:
_" you silly, i'm not that noble.. I just want to spend the last day in my life.. with you "