That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 29

The first half of 2010 was really quick. Maybe because i spent it all doing nothing but studying.
With a blink of an eye we found our selves at the end of May with the Bac only few days away.
My mother said:
_" you'll never be in college"
My father on the other hand said:
_" you're the only one who can make it to college in this house. I'm putting my all hopes on you"
Going to class i started looking at my colleages as those who'll definitely make it.. those who were already looking for alternatives.
And the third group.. Where i was standing. Were those who are hanging on the edge between these two options. Our group is by far the most nerve wrecking.
So, in the end of may, I was so stressed that i looked at Rayan on our way home and said:
_" i think i'm going to walk through this way again the next year. You'll definitely be in college and i will walk here without you"
I was talking out of pure stress, yet Rayan took it to heart and said pensively:
_"it's bothersome to grow up"
For rayan .. There isn't so much words to describe things. He doesn't say this boy is a smug.. That girl is chatty. This class is boring.
He would always say: " it's bothersome"
Actually .. When Talking to him more i was surprised when he came up with three adjectives to describe me " liar .. Two faced.. Unfaithful"
Why didn't he just say. I was bothersome?
This isn't a question that i managed to find an answer to even after 12 years of knowing him.
I shall just say that maybe he worked too hard to find all the bad things about me to stop him self from loving me more.
But you can't stop loving someone when your heart wants to, even if he's the worst person on earth. Can you?
At that day .. He suddenly turned to look at me.
And stayed that way for so long .. Just looking at me.
It was somehow uncomfortable to be stared at for so long. Especially in a public place where people around us thought that either Rayan was having some kind of seizure or we were playing a "who blinks first loses" game.
But it was warm too,
_"is there something in my face?" I asked shyly,
Of course that was the typical question all girls ask, as if we don't already know the answer to it.
He shook his head .. Gave me half a smile. And started walking again.
With Rayan it was like that ..always Little words.
On the eve of Bac i was so stressed that i threw up many times and couldn't sleep.
My sister was surprisingly supportive that night.
My two brothers just stared at me from the door and often asked:
_"are you doing better?"
I really liked my family being around me. But i missed him that day so much.
I only wished that my phone would flash and ring. And when i answer i would hear his voice .. But that didn't happen.
The Bac exams take 5 days. Where we're questioned nationally about all subjects we studied.
For me 9 subjects.. Including the languages that i miraculously started getting above the average with the help of the language school.
I wished Rayan and I could at least have our Bac in the same school.
But you see, In Arabic .. There are 14 letters between the "R" and "N" ( the Arabic pronunciation of them is "Ra' " and "Nun" )
Those 14 letters were enough to put "Rayan" and "Nadia" in two different schools with half a town distance.
And so .. I couldn't even see him in those five days of torture.
The first day .. I was so stressed that i barely managed to walk. So it was my brother who saved me like a knight by driving me to the other half of town to where i was admitted. And stay by my side until it's almost time to go in.
Yassmine was there too.. But i couldn't get to talk to her that much since her family was all there.
And with all her family .. I mean even her grandmother was there stuffing her mouth with candy and praying for her.
I worked on my papers in those five days like i've never worked in school before.
I gave it my all .. And i burned all those little brain cells i had.
In the last day .. After i finished writing the last word in my philosophy essay. I felt like my brain went numb.
And the first thing i did after i met my brother at the door was to hug him tight and cry.
Those were not tears of happiness or sadness .. Just tears i had no control over.
But that idiot brother of mine patted my back and hushed:
_" don't be so sad .. You still can retake the BAC next year.. And the year after that. Until you succeed!"
Once i arrived home .. I fell to a long sleep.
Few days after that, i received a call from Yassmine saying that our class was holding a goodbye party.
At that time i was so sure that i wouldn't pass my BAC that i rudely said to Yassmine on the other side:
_" you mean a goodbye party for them .. I will be stuck in highschool the next year for sure"
_" may the bad be far! Shut up you idiot! Dress well and come this Thursday at 11pm . i asked Badro to tell Rayan about it .. Make sure you look crazy pretty.. That cold hearted must remember you looking pretty!"
Although i laughed sarcastically at her last comment.
But it made me so sad that the little Nokia phone seemed heavier in my hand .. So heavy it was hard to hold it.
Because only at that moment that it came up to me.
"I might never meet Rayan again after that party"
At that time, Only few people had facebook , twitter or what's ever social thing. Rayan wasn't one of them.
He didn't even have a phone.
And of course i can't meet him in a date or something.
If we don't make it to the same college together .. That was pretty much the end of us.
For the 18 years old me .. The only thing that kept the 18 years old him with me was the fact that we met each other everyday. Walked together.. Had lunch together .. Studied together.
If it wasn't for me pushing my self shamelessly on him he wouldn't want me anymore.
Just look at him, the best student in class .. The most handsome .. The mysterious .. Athlete ..etc.
And look at me ..
I was sure that once he finds a girl that is more shameless than i was he would fall for her even harder.
I was doomed.
I spent those little days before the party only thinking about the girl Rayan would dump me for.
I have no idea how i ended up imagining that, i can only explain it with this:
_" i had little IQ.. Lots of time.. And great love"
Even when the whole country was excited for the world cup in south Africa that summer .. I still only walked around with a gloomy face and dark-circled eyes.
When the day of the party came, I spent hours putting the best make up i could put.
Styling my scarf the best i can.
And loosening the cruises in my pink dress.
When i walked out of the house, I walked with my chin so high i barely saw the ground underneath my feet.
And i stood at the fence where we usually met and waited for him to come.
Waited .. And waited.
The party was about to start .. Yet he didn't show up.
At that time .. One idea filled my head.
"That he wasn't coming .. That the last time i saw him i didn't realise it was the last time .. And i didn't cherish it."
So i walked to the school alone. Only thinking that i didn't give Rayan a farewell that he'll remember.
i didn't look the prettiest the last time he saw me .. So he wouldn't regret losing me.
i didn't say sad words that would make him feel guilty every time he sets his eyes on another girl.
Walking with that mindset of mine at the heat of summer. Made me reach the school looking like a war refuge.
Once yassmine's eyes fell on me she ran towards me and shouted:
_" what happened! .. Are the results out!!"
When she said that .. The whole class turned to look at me and attacked me with the same question too.
I was so frustrated that i shouted:
_"No! i wish that the results never come out.. But if they come out. I wish that either we all succeed or we all fail. I'm not the selfless kind, If i don't succeed i wish the whole nation would fail too!"
Once i finished cursing .. No one paid attention to me after that.
Yassmine made me sit beside her .. Handed me a bottle of water and said:
_" we're all stressed .. I barely sleep at night thinking that i might not make it to college. I never cared about studies .. But i think i would regret it if i just stopped at high school"
I took a sip of water .. And then i looked at her and said:
_" i know i'll make it to college .. But i'm afraid that it won't happen this year .. If i let Rayan go there alone he'll find a new girlfriend at the reception's day!!"
Yassmine shook her head helplessly and didn't say a word.
The party was boring .. Without Rayan the class looked empty and so different.
The students kept taking pictures .. Signing and writing stuff to each other.
I took pictures with a bunch of them too. Still, i was surprised when Salim stood in front of me and asked:
_"Can i have a picture with you?"
I nodded.
And so he called a bunch of our classmates.
I called yassmine.
And a classmate took a picture of us standing beside each other .. With other students in the "background".
After we finished taking the picture .. Salim handed me a gift bag.
I looked at him dumbfounded.. Although i took it in my hands.
He smiled for me and explained:
_" i always wanted to give you something but i never had a proper occasion.. You keep this safe and remember me" 
Sometimes i wonder, why most of the arabic poems i read are sad.
But then the answer is clear..
In our society, the waiting is longer than the meeting.
The silence is longer than talk.
And goodbyes are as much as the hellos.
And then we're left with memories and longing.
I looked at Salim with a smile and said:
_" thank you so much for this. I will never forget you"
At that moment . realising that Salim will leave too. I couldn't but remember all those sweet memories he gave me.
And i wanted us to remember them together before we part ways.
So he took a seat beside me, and we started laughing at our days .. And even on our break up.
He was joining the army the next year. He even joked:
_" i will miss having women around .. I will miss having you around"
That sadness we sugar coated, that laughter instead of tears.. were the last memories i had of him for so many years.
After sometime the whole class went silent. When i lifted my eyes to see what was happening i found Rayan standing at the middle of the class staring at me.
That was the first time i saw him in two weeks.
We wasn't different at all.
He even was wearing the white t-shirt i often noticed under his white blouse.
But somehow .. Knowing that starting from that moment i will never see him with a white blouse i felt like if he grew up many years all at sudden.
He stared at Salim sitting beside me .. And then looked at me again.
_" i thought you were not coming" i said coldly.
He gave me a cold gaze and said:
_" i was waiting for you.. for two hours now"
Was he waiting at the fence the whole time!
Once he finished saying that .. He ignored me.
Walked towards the table of food .. And took a bottle of water.
All the class was just staring at the both of us at that moment.
Embarrassed and guilty i walked to him. And then i hushed:
_" let's talk outside"
He followed me coldly.
And once we were out i guiltily asked:
_" you were waiting at that street all this time?"
He nodded.
_" i waited for you too .. But when you didn't show up i thought you were not coming"
_" i came" he said coldly.
_" how do i look?" I asked shamelessly.
He sighed bothered and didn't even reply.
We kept talking after that .. I mean , i kept talking .
Just bragging about my beauty and about my intellect although i had so little of both of them.
I made him promise to meet me again.
And convinced him that he will never find a girl who loves him as much as i did.
He talked so little among all of that.
And didn't look like he cared about a word i said.
When the party finally ended .. I bed farewells to all the students.
We all cried .. Smiled. And wished to meet again.
Although that never happened.
It was harder to leave Salim behind.. After all, he was a big part of my life.
It was awkwardly hard to leave Farid too..
I was sure i'd meet Yassmine again.
But the most difficult thing that day .. Was to walk back with Rayan.
I walked so slow we barely moved and still .. The walk seemed so short.
I barely held my tears the whole way.. But once we reached the fence and i knew that was it ..i couldn't keep my tears anymore.
Rayan looked at me with a sad face .. But coldly asked:
_" why are you crying now?"
_"you heartless! This is the last time i'll see you!" I frowned.
He shook his head and corrected:
_" we promised to spend our life together .. So how can this be the last time?"
I nodded.
He looked right .. Looked left. And hushed:
_"come"
I smiled.
I knew he wanted to take me to that garage at the back of their house again.
So i followed him.
Although i went there only once .. The path looked so familiar.
Although it was 2 pm .. I didn't feel like the burning heat was coming from the outside .. But only from my heart.
He walked .. And i followed him.
Until we ended up standing at the same spot we once visited.
It's not like he was going to kiss me or even touch me. I was just happy because i won few extra minutes with him.
He stopped.. And turned to look at me. And suddenly said:
_" i will major in architecture if god wants"
He took a deep breath and added:
_" i made my calculations and i'm pretty sure i can make it .. I will study architecture at C university"
Once he said that .. I felt a stone stuck in my throat.
I hardly found my words to say:
_" but university C is only for architecture .. There's no way i can make it there"
_" i know" he said.
"What a shameless idiot!" I thought at that time.
He kept staring at me and continued:
_" Nadia, i love you so much .. But for that love i need to make my self a husband that you would be proud to have. I need to go to a good college and get a good job"
_" we planned to go to the same college" i interrupted.
He walked closer to me and tried to explain:
_" we don't even know if we'll be both accepted at the same college. Plus, this is what i really want to do for a job Nadia, i can't choose something i'll regret later just because i want to be with you now"
I just nodded coldly that time, even when i deep down knew that .. That was it.
I didn't object even when i knew that i will lose him.
And suddenly that place where i once had the best memories with him became the place in which i had the worst.
Maybe he said he loved that day.. Maybe he gave me beautiful words.
But i don't remember any of them.
Because i was angry and disappointed.
And i realised that in the end, life isn't like dramas where heroes selflessly choose each others sides.
In real life .. We're all selfish and just think about our selves.
The funny thing was.. That at that moment. Only Rayan kept talking and explaining him self and i just kept silent.
I know a part of him knew that he lost me that day.
After few minutes i smiled in bitter and lied:
_" my family would get worried if i'm too late.. I should just go home. Take good care of your self and have a good holidays"
He was out of words.. And just stared at me.
_" goodbye" i hushed.
And then i started walking away.
That's when he blocked my way and suggested:
_" i'll walk you"
_" No!" I said firmly " just go inside your house . i know the way"
_" Nadia" he called.
But i already set my mind on leaving .. I just smiled shallowly and again said:
_"goodbye"
_" i love you" he said.
But i didn't say it back .. I just nodded and walked away.
And that was our goodbye.. He didn't catch me after that.
I once Asked Rayan:
_" what is your greatest regret?"
He acted like he gave my question a lot of thinking..and then answered:
_" i regret quitting wrestling.. If i continued training i would have kept those good muscles to impress you"
I gave him a punch in the air and frowned:
_" i'm asking seriously!"
_"but you know the answer to that, don't you?" He said.
He locked his eyes with mine and answered:
_" that day after the party of BAC.. I regret letting you go like that. I wished i'd relive that moment so many times i lost count of them .. I regret not holding your hands tight and asking you to stay. .. I regret not convincing you enough that i loved you more than anything. You shameless .. I regret not convincing you the most"