That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 34

Going to the nursing school made me see the world from a whole other perspective.
I suddenly started to appreciate more the things i already had.. Like a good health, and "tolerable" family.
Although we didn't do so much at the first year of training .. But i was able to communicate with much patients and hear their stories, which by far, often tormented me to the point of crying.
Seeing a whole other world where people were just fighting to survive.. Living with actual pain made my suffering with Rayan look so silly and "pampered".
So in my 20th birthday that year.. I was already so far over Rayan .. Or so i thought.
Towards the end of november .. I was surprised to find Imad standing at our house door one morning when i was going to the hospital.
My brother was talking with him and holding a bag of bread and sweets for our breakfast.
Once my brother's eyes fell on me he said:
_"oh here she is .. Imad was waiting for you Nadia"
I was both confused and surprised.
Confused with Imad's sudden visit to me .
And surprised with my brother's "huge" tolerance of that.
You see, i always thought of my brother as that cold beast who would drag me from my hair and threaten to kill me if he ever saw me with a strange man.
So i was surprised to realise he was different than what i pictured.
It's surprising .. And disappointing .. To realise that you didn't even know the people who are close to you.
At that day i thought:
"was i mistaken with Rayan too? Was he something different than what i saw?"
And i had my harsh answer only years after that moment .. I was "unbearably" mistaken.
My brother asked me not to exhaust my self in the training and then he left us both and walked inside the house.
I was still questioning his character, so when i walked beside Imad to the bus station.. I still caught our house door with my peripheral vision and expected a bullet to shoot me in my back or head at any moment.
But it sure didn't happen.
_" you look uncomfortable.. Is walking with you not ok?" Imad hesitantly asked from beside me.
Only then i shifted my attention towards him again and said:
_"no .. Not at all"
Although i wanted to ask him why he suddenly came from the other side of town so early to my house.. But that sounded rude.. So i just waited for him to tell me.
We kept walking silently .. He sounded like preparing what he wanted to say the whole way.
When we were so close to the bus station he suddenly stopped walking and blurted:
_"how did you get accepted in the nursing school?"
I answered:
_" i just applied and i was accepted by chance"
_"do they accept male students?"
_"are you planning to come join me?" I asked mischievously.
But my question sounded like taking him out of guard.
He looked at me for sometime .. And then answered:
_" if i say "yes" .. Would that sound strange to you?"
Of course it was!
Still .. I tried to laugh out the matter .. And excitedly said:
_"of course not! .. I feel so lonely in the nursing school all by my self .  and it sounds amazing having a friend with me. Plus, we have so little male students and they all are not attractive at all.. It would be so fortunate to us girls having a goddess like face to stare at in the training"
Imad gave me a half hearted smile and said:
_" it's feels good to be looked at like a hero .. It's bothersome to be always a second lead"
When he said "bothersome" .. I thought of a certain someone right away.
Still, i looked at Imad concerned and asked:
_"did something happen with Yassmine?"
He stood silent for sometime .. And then he said:
_" Badro chose the ST major , you know? .. He's at the other side of college, a year our junior and me, i chose her major and i'm with her all time. And still, she keeps talking about him and i feel like he's there with us all time. And it's bothersome to realise that no matter how close you are.. He's always closer"
_"how bothersome? I always hated this word" I said.
My question confused him for a bit.
Still he laughed embarrassed and said:
_" here i am emptying my heart content to you and the only thing that you notice is the word i borrowed from your ex"
_" i'm sorry, it's just that it sounded absurd" i mumbled.
_" painful bothersome" he said slowly pressing on every syllable. "so i decided to run away from them to you.. I never wanted to be an Arabic teacher to begin with.. And being a nurse sounds ok anyways" he added.
I gave him a cold stare and said:
_" i can not approve of you choosing my job halfheartedly .. Either you put your full dedication to it or never come at all, you should come back to college and think of a more reason to stay there other than beating Badro with distance" 
_"that was harsh!"
_" that was the truth" i said.
He smiled to me .. And then he started walking again.
After few steps he talked again:
_" i was joking to you about the nursing school thing "
_" i know .. Holding a needle and cleaning cuts isn't your thing" i frowned lying.
Because well, i thought he was serious.
_" i couldn't find a reason to stay there.. In college I mean" ... he turned to look at me and finally told me the reason he came to meet me:
_" that's why i'm joining the army"
I looked at him confused..so he added with a smile:
_" i got in.. I received my order .. I'm going this December"
I was out of words.
How do you say goodbye when you're not prepared to say it?
I felt my tears going down my cheeks and i mumbled:
_"so soon"
He walked closer to me with a smile on his face .. And wiped my tears with his sleeve:
_"always such a cry baby" he laughed.
Although he looked about to cry with me too.
_"take good care of your self ..and i'm glad you found your self a reason to stay somewhere"
He added.
He was so close to me .. Although our heights were different.
His dark eyes glowed in November's sky and his look had a faint of sweetness in bitter.
_"don't get your self shot, i'll miss you"  i hardly said.
He nodded ..
_" i'll miss you too"
I already missed my bus by that moment .. And was so late for the training.
But i couldn't care less.
Because the man who was standing in front of me meant much more to me.
I love Imad .. He loves me too.
Ever since we were little and all my friends were boys.
My heart was beating painfully .. And my tears went down non stop.
And he looked not wanting to leave me like that either.
But the difference is.. we both loved each other so much.. But like a brother and sister.
There are so many kinds of love i guess, so how did i end up having the hardest kind of love with Rayan?
When he finally decided to leave me in the station and ride his bus home i asked:
_" does Yassmine know?"
He nodded.
And then he walked inside the bus..
I took a seat in the waiting bench .. And was fighting not to cry more in public when he suddenly popped his head out of some window and shouted:
_"She asked me to stay .. I was happy"
_"she loves you! .. You should know that!" I shouted back with a smile.
Though I regretted shouting such a thing in a public "Algerian" place right away. Because all people gave me that "look.. such a shameless girl!" stares.
But Imad never cared about people .. He shouted again:
_" I know.. Take care"
When the bus finally left .. I changed my plans. Instead of going to the nursing school ..i took a bus to the college and i went to meet Yassmine.
Sometimes in life you are convinced that "destiny" and "coincidence" have such a thin line between them.
When i went to the college that day .. I wanted to plan with yassmine a goodbye party for Imad.
I gave her a call and asked weather she was free to meet me .. She always was so careless towards her studies that she right away shouted:
_"of course i'm free to meet you ! I'll skip my class right away! .. I missed you so much you nursing freak!"
When i finally reached the college .. I sent her a message asking where she was.
Her answer came right away,
" college yard"
So i walked there with a million ideas in my head to discuss with her.. But All my plans suddenly faded . all my thoughts just stopped.
Because Yassmine was sitting there with Badro .. And with Rayan.
I was so unprepared to meet him. You know?
My make up was probably messed up from crying .. And from the chill.
My clothes were random.
And my heart felt like a mess.
They already saw me when i noticed them .. So there was no escape.
I walked slowly towards them .. And hesitantly i mumbled:
"Essalamu 'alaykum" ( may peace be upon you)
They greeted me back .. And then Yassmine took me to a tight hug.
I didn't feel like hugging her back .. Because i felt betrayed.
_" i missed you so much! You no longer came to see us since you got admitted to that nursing school!" Yassmine frowned .. Hugging me tight.
I just laughed nervously and looked at the two men standing in front of me.
After Yassmine let me go i explained:
_" our training is so strict .. I hardly have a chance to skip one".. I looked at Badro and added:
_"i'm sorry it's too late .. But congratulations for getting admitted in ST .. You made it!"
_"thanks.. congratulations for the nursing school too" he said.
I nodded.
I looked at Rayan next ..but decided to ignore him.
I told Yassmine about the party next.
She was even more excited than i expected.
The plan was to hold the party at some restaurant. Buy a big cake and lots of pizza. Buy a small gift that Imad would keep as a souvenir from all of us.
When we were talking excited about the small party For moment it didn't look like each one of us had a totally different way in life.
We just sounded like the highschool us who had one common goal. We felt younger.
Being young doesn't necessary mean having little age.. Sometimes even being 20 is so old.
Even in your 20's ..you'll wish you were younger.
Rayan talked so little like he always did .. So Yassmine charged him with all the shopping for the party.
At the end of our conversation .. I had no more reason to stay there.. So i apologized:
_"i need to go back home now .. I have a preparatory exam tomorrow and i need to study a bit"
That was a lie .. But they had no idea about my feild anyways.
Yassmine nodded in understanding and said:
_" that sounds difficult .. Best of luck! We'll meet this Saturday then at F restaurant"
I nodded .. And then i started walking away.
After sometime .. I realised someone was following me.
So i turned to see.. And like you guessed.. It was Rayan.
He looked embarrassed when my eyes caught him.
So for the first time that day i directed a speech to him and asked:
_" what do you want?"
_" you forgot this" he said hesitantly.. And then he handed me some jacket.
It wasn't even mine to begin with. But i knew whose it was.
I looked behind him at yassmine.. Andi gave her a cold glare.
She just looked at me with a smile and started winking.
But you see.. When i was twenty. I was already so different from the 18 yearsold me that i no longer recognized my self.
I knew that the jacket was just a lame reason for us to talk.
But i suddenly no longer wanted to have such chances with him..
By that time, i completely and definitely lost every hope in him.
And that was why instead of giving him the satisfaction of saying " this jacket isn't mine" and thus opening a small door for a chat.
I gave him half a smile and said:
_" thank you"
Andi took the jacket from his hands.
The look on his face that moment.. His trembling hand.
He realised that he really lost me only at that moment. Didn't he?
He walked pass me right away .. With quick steps.
Badro followed him right away shouting:
_" wait man! You forgot your bag!"
Yassmine walked towards me with a sour face andsoon she reached me she asked:
_" did i do something bad?"
I shook my head .. And with a smile i explained:
_" not at all"
I handed her back her jacket and i said:
_" Rayan and I are long over .. And to me if i didn't have his love i don't want his friendship. He's just a stranger to me now"
At that day that was it .. My biggest project for my twenties which was to forget all about rayan and find a new potential husband.
Little did i know .. That when two hands are holding each other tight.. When one of them let go, the other is still holding..
It holds even tighter.
What i always underestimated was rayan's love.. And Rayan's will.
What sounds like an end.. Is always a beginning.