That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 35

"Before you go.. Look at me again.
Maybe you'll see a new face you'll desire to hold.
Maybe you'll see my old face and you'll long for it again.
Before you leave..Let your finger tips touch its details.
Let my eyes close .. And my breaths tremble.
before you go forever .. Come close to me one last time"
__________________________
We held a goodbye party for Imad before he joined the army.
Although it seemed childish, Yassmine and I still insisted on making few origami decorations and throwing them all over the restaurant table.
So when the boys finally came to the restaurant and although we tried to hide in the restroom and then surprise Imad by showing up from behind him. He wasn't surprised at all .. He said:
_" just looking at this table i knew you were here .. No one makes worst paper frogs than Nadia and she still thinks she masters them"
I gave him a cold stare and frowned:
_" when i spend 6 hours making these things to surprise you the least you can do is to pretend you were surprised! you rude boy!"
Of course 6 hours was an exaggeration. Still Imad looked guilty and mumbled :
_"i'm so happy .. Does that count?"
I nodded with a smile.
It wasn't quite a party .. We just ordered lots of pizza and then we spent our time bringing back memories.
Rayan was sitting right across of me .. Silent like always. So i put much effort to ignore him.
It almost felt like he wasn't there until he finally said:
_" Nadia .. Can i talk to you for a minute?"
The whole table went silent ..
I was the most quiet though. Because not even a sound of breath came out of me.
Rayan stood up right away .. And started putting on his jacket.
And then he walked out of the restaurant not even waiting for me to say "yes"
But then .. How could i refuse?
I just put on my jacket too .. And i followed him out.
He was already leaning on the restaurant wall and smoking.
That was the first time i ever saw him smoking.
I was surprised .. Uncomfortable.
I wanted to ask why would he start such a hurtful habit .. But then i didn't.
I didn't have the right to do that any longer.
I stood quietly behind the small corner hiding .. And i watched those little clouds of smoke going to the sky.
he needed that cigarette to get ready to talk to me .. And i needed to fill my eyes of his sight.. So much that i won't stare at him when i stand in front of him, And forget everything but the fact that i loved him.
People are weak after all.
I waited for him until he stepped on the cigarette and then i took a deep breath and appeared in front of him..
It took me that long to finally admit that He was different from the boy i once  went out with .. He became a man in the time we were not together.
When he looked at me .. His stare held this sense of maturity. This confidence he lacked back at those days.
_"what do you want to talk about?" I hardly mumbled.
_"i want to talk to you properly. Some things need to be sort out"
_"what things?" I asked.
_"like the fact that  i'm still waiting" he interrupted.
That little confession .. Was strong enough to make my heart hurt.
When we should move on.. Why does he have to say such thing?
He gave me a serious look .. Stood up properly in front of me .. And repeated:
_" i'm still waiting .. And i'll never stop"
I looked at him confused. But he didn't wait for me to say a thing ..  Instead he added:
_" when i broke up with you i thought that it will be easier to give up and have a life away from you. But that was wrong. I came to realise that i only had something to live for when i had you. "
When it came to us.. I always seemed to have the upper hand.
Rayan though was serious, he never actually made half the effort i did for us.
So when he stood in front of me and talked with so much confidence .. I sure felt touched with that, but..
It was too late.. i already gave up.
So i sighed .. And said:
_" within a month or two you'll find another girl and she'll__"
_" no other girl will do" he interrupted me.
I was startled .. So i just kept looking at him surprised.
What happened to the silent him?
He walked even closer to me .. And then he added:
_" when i loved you i put you first and all the others became substitutes .. And i don't want to compromise when i can have you"
I looked at him.. Wanting to cry.
Because i felt sad.
That was the first time he demanded me so strong and so willfully.. But i could only say ..no.
Sometimes i wonder why would people divorce?
But then, there are so many answers to that ..
Sometimes there will come things stronger than love between a couple.
Like heartbreak..
Like disappointment..
Resentment..
And like me and Rayan.. "The absolute luck of trust."
So that day .. I looked at him as the mature woman i became and said:
_" Rayan..i appreciate these feelings you have for me. I never stopped loving you .. But i hated that you never trusted me more than that love. When you told me that the reason you wanted a break up was because of some other boy, that was it for me. I can't be with a man who sees me as a cheater, maybe you'll even call me a slut and accuse me of adultery if things were more serious between us"
He looked at me with guilt in his face.
He knew it too ..
That he waited for me .. Standing beside his suspicions .
_"i'm sorry.. I didn't mean to" he apologized.
Honestly.
He's a great boy after all .. I'll regret losing him. But i'll regret more losing my pride for him.
_" we should live without each other" i added..
I took a deep breath..
And lastly said:
_" when you are ready to trust me .. Come meet me again."
He nodded..
And then we walked again in the restaurant.
He could have said "i trust you now.. I'm sorry i started trusting you so late"
But he didn't.
He too knew that he came in the wrong winter.
_______________________________
That was the last time i saw the three of them for a long time.
Because well .. Every single one of us had a different path.. And we didn't try to find an opportunity to meet.
i remember that spring though My sister invited her "supposed" friends to a coffee party to bed farewells .. before she gets married.
Of course that was a lie, she only held that party to brag about the big ring in her finger.. Those girls only came to be fed like queens but treated like rats.
When she sent them home feeling "superior" she looked at me and asked:
_"why don't i ever see a friend coming to visit you?.. The poor hidaya has none since she didn't see the daylight in years but you sure has a girl or two to invite. I want to invite them to my wedding too"
Hidaya gave her a side glance but decided to ignore her.. I sighed and said:
_"i don't have any"
That was a lie.. The truth is .. "I don't have friends i wanted to visit our house" .. It's embarrassing to have a mother who only asks: "what is your father's job?" .. And a sister who asks instead:
_" are you engaged?"
I dedicated my self to my studies .. And i cared about nothing else.
Until a new problem in the house started to arise.
" why was Hidaya still without a child to come after almost a year of marriage?"
I didn't pay my mother's occasional remarks on the subject much attention until i came back home one day and i heard hidaya's loud voice coming from the end of the street.
That was the first time i ever heard her yelling in a loud voice.
What she repeated was:
_" you're driving me crazy! May god take your life and give me peace!"
Hearing that was something .. And seeing people gathering around our house was something else.
I hardly made a way to our door.. Few women of our street gave me side glances and whispered-shouted:
_"this is her girl.. Tututu.. She bragged about her daughter-in-law's beautiful manners but look at her shouting shamelessly now"
I walked inside our house.. Only to find my mother sitting on the ground with Mimi beside her and hidaya throwing dishes in the kitchen and shouting hysterically.
What i first did was to hug her tight from behind and tight her hands.
_" istaghferi allah .. calm down ..I'm here now" ( ask god for forgiveness)
She cried so bad .. I felt her trembling between my arms like a little bird.
She turned to look at me with her teary face and uttered:
_" i'm going insane Nadia .. I can't live with her anymore"
My mother sitting across the hall -Having sharp ears- yelled right away:
_" it's not that you can't live here.. It's that we don't want you here! Go back to your mother you useless!
You can't even have a child!"
When my mother was talking .. I was covering hidaya's ears and looking at her innocent tears going down her face.
She never did a thing to deserve such treatment.
My heart was cutting to peaces just hearing those hurting words. What about hidaya?
That night i waited for my brother to come home at our garden.
For an hour .. For two .. Three.
I waited for him until he came at 11 pm. And the first thing i did was to grab his arm and say:
_"we need to talk first before you get inside the house"
Because i knew if my mother got him first before me .. She'll tell him a whole fake version  of what happened, and he'll be unfair to his wife.
I told him the truth .. Without taking any side. And when i finished speaking i suggested:
_"i think you should take Hidaya to her family's house for few day first"
He looked at me with the world's weight of agony in his eyes and mumbled:
_" with what face i'll take her there?"
I wanted to say few more words to help him but he firmly said:
_" i want to stay alone to think"
So i left him alone and walked inside the house.
The result of his thinking was .. To take Hidaya to her family the very next morning.
I wished we sent her with so many gifts and a bigger smile on her face.
But my mother only gave her a grin of mockery .. My sister said:
_" may you go without a return!"
I wished she was given the treatment she deserved. But that didn't happen..

_"you know that god will punish us for this .. Don't you Mama?" I commented in mocking.
So she hit me with her slippers right away.
When my brother finally came home.. He looked like he left half of him with his wife.
He came to us a body without a soul.
I opened the door for him. He went directly to his room without a word.
Without a sound he stayed there the whole day.
Without anything to eat or drink.
He never said a word to Mama regarding what happened, i'm sure Hidaya said to him:
_"no matter what your mother did .. You shouldn't disobey her"
How can't that old silly woman see that the best thing that ever happened to her son was Hidaya?
Of course, she only cared about Mimi's coming wedding.
My brother barely stayed home for the few next days.. And barely ate a thing.
He sure missed her .. And felt that he was unfair to her.
Few days of seeing him in that state i finally said to him decidedly:
_"take me to visit hidaya.. I miss her so much"
He nodded coldly as if he didn't care.
But the smile on his face .. And the beautiful clothes he put on to accompany me said he was happy beyond my beliefs.
My mother refused my decision of course.. But i never was such an obedient child anyways.
I forced her to give me money, and i bought beautiful presents and sweets for hidaya's family.
And i went with my brother in our car.
He was nervous the whole drive .. So i turned to look at him and said mischievously:
_" you know that i'm not going just for a visit , don't you?"
He nodded.
And then he said:
_" it's time she comes back to us"
In our society, a man is too shy to show his emotions.
Saying "i love you" comes in rare occasions.
Saying "i love her" is even harder to hear.
It's not that men take emotions as a disgrace, it's just that this is how it is..
My brother wanted his wife back the very moment he took her to her family,
But he waited until it was ok to bring her back.
"Waiting for the right moment despite your feelings"
That's how men here are.