That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 23

_" i wish i could stop loving you"
Once Rayan said that .. He held his bag and walked out of the class.
He skipped that afternoon's classes.
Two ideas were invading my brain so much i didn't feel the passing of time until the last bill rang.
The first: " was that a confession? Or a regret?"
The second: " with saying that .. Is he breaking up with me?"
And to my bad luck .. That day was a Thursday so i couldn't know if he broke up with me only after weekend.
I remember we had a seance at the school of languages that evening. For the first time i walked with Farid alone.
In the way the short boy walking beside me suddenly asked:
_" are you and your boyfriend having problems because of me?"
I was never the kind to hide the truth only to compliment others.
They hit the iron when it's hot.. Why cool it off when it needs to be hot?
I gave him an expressionless look and replied:
_"yes" .
My honesty definitely gave his ego a boost. He lifted his chin and said:
_" Rayan is definitely a good man .. But i can't help if your eyes has a good taste"
_" i don't like you" i said coldly.
The last thing i wanted was to give that big smug another thing to brag about.
We both remained silent for the rest of the way.
And even on our way back.
I spent that weekend like hell.
In nowadays when you call your boyfriend and he doesn't pick up .. At least you give your self the satisfaction that you tried at least to contact him and he's acting stupid.
But then only few people had phones. Since the phone only offered calling and messages many people didn't find it very necessary .. Like the smart  Rayan.
I spent the whole weekend boiling like a volcano and freezing like an iceberg.
I was so stressed.
When Saturday finally came i woke up at 6:00 am . i prepared my self really quick and went out of the house even before 7:00 am.
If my mother paid enough attention to me she would have noticed me disappearing and rose the alarm. But she rarely does and even if she did she would assume that i only had to go early since she put me safe in bed at night. so i was safe.
I walked in the streets very fast.
We were in early May by that time.
The sun was already shining beautifully and the weather was warm.
Mays in Algeria are just as hot as July. Within three hours the streets would turn into an unbearable hell. But at 7 am it was just perfect.
Everything was perfect that day... Even my scarf.
Even my timing.
When i walked across the street i had no idea that another boy was going through the same torment like i was that weekend and couldn't wait to see me too.
When i turned the corner and i looked straight ahead of me .. I saw Rayan at the fence.
He was wearing his white blouse. The arms of his blouse were torn of from the shoulders .. Revealing the small sleeves of his black shirt.
His bag was thrown on the ground like usual and his face was looking right at me holding the biggest smile i saw in a long time.
I ran towards him the rest of the distance.. So longing to reach him.
None of us asked the other party: " why were you there so early?" ..no questions needed to be asked when The answer lied with our presence, and our smiles.
Rayan looked at me for a brief moment and then he said:
_"follow me"
I walked behind him.. If he was taking me to paradise then i was following him. If he was taking me to hell then i was following him.
He walked until we reached a small garage entry at the back of his house.
He then walked close to me .. And looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.
I wished i put heavier make up .. I wished i put more hijab because i felt like if i was bare in front of him.
I don't know for how long he kept staring at me .. If what he saw was beautiful enough.
Because then he suddenly walked even closer to me .. I walked back until i hit the wall behind me. Yet he kept walking even closer to me.
He raised his hand closer to my face .. And he slid it against my scarf.
He must have felt me trembling of fear. And felt my quick breaths.
He looked at me reassuring and said:
_" don't be scared of me , i fear allah in you"
( i fear allah in you: means he's not going to do anything to harm her or commit a sin with her )
I looked at that boy who looked at me passionately but wouldn't kiss me .. Nor touch me.
He restrained him self even so close like that .. Even when he looked like he didn't want anything more than sliding his hand far away from my scarf .. Into were there wasn't any cloth.
To muslims .. There isn't a greater love than that a man can hold for a woman.
When i remember that Rayan had that at 17.. When i remember all the jerks i knew and heard of in my life. I can't but respect him even more.
Rayan held my head gently with both his hands ..bowed it down.. And kissed it above my scarf.
_" this feeling .. You feel it too?" He suddenly hushed above my head.
As if he never knew the shape of love before me. As if i was the only one who could understand.
I nodded between his hands.
So he kissed me again .. For so long. As if he was afraid of letting that moment slip from our hands.
He finally lifted my head gently again .. And made me face him. He then said:
_" i'm sorry i said those words.. I regretted them once i said them".
I shook my head and explained:
_" Farid means nothing to me . he never meant anything to me. I already told him that"
_" i always told you not to think of other men with me .. You're always unfaithful" he smiled.
But even before i got the chance to protest he finally said:
_"but what to do .. i love you"
.......
_" me too" i hardly said .. Feeling like the earth couldn't contain my happiness.
At that time .. I didn't know that real life wasn't like movies.
In movies when the couple separates they would surely mourne each other long enough but would eventually find another one and end up even happier.
In real life this kind of feelings will stick around you like a scarf .. Like a neck tie.
You can walk around carrying them .. Forgetting that you're wearing them. You can live your life normally But in the end .. They will always be there around your neck choking you. They will always be there for the people around you to see.
Love is like that .. A neck tie you'll hold forever.
.........................
With May came the last days of our 2nd year in high school..of school all together.
Every highschool student in Algeria knows that the last year is like a year taken off from your life. Like a prison sentence. Since we had BAC at the end of it ( national exams) which will define our future we had to sacrifice the whole last year for preparations. Especially lazy students like me. Putting that in mind .. Rayan and i decided to invest our last days before the summer holidays utmost.
After the last exams ended .. He looked at me seriously and asked:
_" are you confident you'll pass this year?"
I gave him a cold gaze and said:
_"i know that i'm not the best student but i'm not so bad either.. Next year i'll definitely be in the graduating class"
With that being said .. He gave me a satisfied look and said:
_"since you're so sure about it then i shall rest my mind in peace now. I always wondered if i will see you in the same class with me every year ever since the arabic teacher questioned your origins that time"
I looked at him..and then i looked again trying to recall such moment. And i came to realise that he couldn't but be talking about that day in the last year when i almost bumped into him.
I gave him an impatient look and threatened:
_" how dare you bring out such an embarrassing moment!"
He put the third "X" in a line.. Wining the "XO" game again for an n time. He looked at me and added:
_" i noticed you for the first time that day"
I looked at him profoundly .. And his hand holding the pen sharply and drawing something in the paper in front of him.
After he finished drawing .. I looked at the huge eyes he draw with lots of eyelashes and huge pupils. He laughed a bit and said
_" your eyes looked like this"
I almost held that paper .. Crawled it until i made a ball.. Crawled it until i made it hard like a stone and then made him eat it!
I almost cried in frustration and asked:
_" in what way do these look like my eyes?"
_" ok, i'm not the best paint then .. But i meant to make them look beautiful."
With that being said.. I shifted from my ready to kill state to ready to die in love state. I suddenly wanted to keep that beautiful portrait of my eyes with me forever.
He tried to color my pupils with his black pen and he said:
_" the first time i saw you i only noticed your eyes.. I said to my self that those were the biggest eyes i ever saw .. And althought the light reflected on them they still looked terrifyingly black. Huge and black like a hole eyes that looked at me. I couldn't forget them"
_" is this a compliment or you're saying that my eyes look like coming from a horor story?" I asked after a long moment of silence.
He looked at me for so long.. And then he said:
_" i'm saying that they are so beautiful that i'm always afraid that every boy who sees them will fall under your spell too and i'll have even more competition to deal with. How could that teacher question your Arab origins when every poet we studied was talking about your eyes. You're more of an Arab than anyone in the whole class"
Amused i just took the pen from his hand .. And i skillfully draw a picture of the back of a boy under an umbrella .
He looked somehow surprised at my drawing and then he said:
_" i didn't know you're so good at drawing"
_" there's a lot about me that you don't know" i bragged.
Although in fact, it was me who knew so little about him.
After i finished my sketch .. I handed it to Rayan and said:
_" this is the picture of you in my mind .. The boy i loved in winter.. I met in the rain. Who kept giving me his back"
We both kept joking around those last days before summer.

With no promise or what's ever to contact each other in the summer. That was somehow our goodbye for three months of separation.
I remember the last day when Rayan walked me home .. He walked so slow we barely moved our feet.
Kept talking about nonsense. Warned me not to have an eye for Farid in summer when i go to the language school.
And then we smilingly bed farewells.
Those were a very stable days in our relationship. That i find them hard to forget .. Yet hard to write about.
No problems.. No pain.
Just foolish happiness and unstoppable laughters.
I always remember them when i find life unbearable. When it's hard to look in his face and remember how much i really love him.
Those moments are like the fuel that keeps us going forward.