That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 25

2009 held lots of surprises.. Lots of things to keep us busy and lots to remember.
In 2009 we were in our last year as kids with no responsibility.
The last year of vague dreams .. And so much options.
It was also the year when the country decided to add a second day to the weekend making it Friday and Saturday. The Saturdays we always hated suddenly became a bliss .. And the short work week became only 5 days starting from Sunday.
Of course that only meant i lost another day with Rayan every week.
Our last year in high school soon started.. Rayan and i started meeting again.
Waiting for each other.. And spending more innocent hours of youth together.
Our love was like that.. Not so much of romance, no holding hands in the street .. Not even staring at each other for so long. Our love was in our hearts.
  In the longing.. And waiting.
At that time we knew that our careless days were counted.
When i stopped going to the language school and started having extra lessons in math and physics instead, we knew that we had even less days before we start studying seriously for the Bac and, then we'll have no time for each other.
We tried to value that time. Saying "I love you" more often.. Because we knew that there will come a day when we'll forget to say it. And maybe within a year we won't be even together to have a chance to say it.
As hard as it is.. The life should be lived fully.
In the Autumn of 2009 too, there wasn't a street in Algeria where you didn't see the flag flying and a patriotic song playing. Why was that sudden impulse of patriotism? . well, it was because the national football team that withdrew for so many years suddenly had a shot in going to the world cup.
I wasn't so different from everyone after all.. I hid posters of Antar Yahya away from Rayan's eyes and cheered for the handsome footballer like a diehard fan.
Rayan observing his girlfriend turning into an expert in sports .. Expert in foretelling.. Expert in singing and cheering for some random men turned him from an aloof in the field of football into the most intimidating and loathing anti-fan.
When ever we held discussions in the class about l'equipe ( the team) and we often did that .. He would come and stand in the middle of the group of students and say:
_" Nadia, come for a minute "
And when i leave the discussion with the intention of coming back right away. That impatient boy would make me sit and bring out the heavy book of math.
_" instead of paying this much attention to some men's physique .. Pay attention to your own future!"
Although i laughed.. But i found it very strange that a man didn't care all together to sports like that!
I mean, how can I -being a girl- have to explain to him every small basic about the ball.
It wasn't until so many years later that i discovered that he fooled me all along.. And that -away from my eyes- he cheered for the team even more than i did.
And when i asked him why did he do that for, he shamelessly answered:
_" i didn't have green eyes .. Nor could play the ball like it was attached to my foot with some invisible magnet. You knew how tall was Antar Yahya.. How much he weighed, his speed and everything you never asked about me. I was afraid that with your luck with men you'll end up somehow with him!"
Such a fool, i already consumed my life share of luck in my persuasion after him?
The small week days left us no time to spare .. Always waking up early.. Always coming back late with the sunset. And with the winter that crawled towards us slowly .. Rayan and I finally ended up having no time for each other.
Only thinking about the BAC.. L'equipe. In the sight of the moment you can't realise how much you're missing. How much time you wasted away from the people you should have been more with.
At that time we thought we had the whole future ahead of us so it was all ok to miss one year.. We thought we'll never part ways..and We even put plans together.
I always knew that His family was a mess so i promised him he'll have a home with me.. That was my ultimate plan.
_" remember what you said to me that day?" I asked. Looking at his teary eyes because of the cold.. Sensing his hot small breaths making the chilly weather a bit warmer.
I smiled and added: " i'll be home for you.. I'll be the person you should live for"
I was shameless enough to talk about marriage first. But you see, Rayan wasn't someone of so much words or explosive emotions. He was always calm.. Always hid his struggle and pain from me.
So i always considered myself as the one who loved him more since i was the only one reciting all the romantic Arabic poems for him even if i was the worst student when it comes to poetry.. And i was the shameless who would cook heart shaped meatballs for him and write " i love you" with mayonnaise.  So it was only natural that i was the one to put plans for us since he never suggested any thing related to future first.
I remember he looked at me with those young shining eyes of his and literally said:
_" you always joke around Nadia .. But i could always forgive and forget. But i'll never forgive you if you're joking about this. Look me in my eyes and promise never to leave me"
What did a girl of 17 knew about keeping life time promises?. How could a 17 girl know that there are worst things in life than a death penalty?
I gave him a shy smile and nodded.
That day, he held my hand for the first time .. I was wearing pink gloves .. He was wearing black ones.
He held my hand and while i struggled to free it he took off my glove and put a ring in my finger. Smiling he said:
_" i'll do my best to put a wedding ring in this finger instead ..and i'll do my best to let you hold that ring with pride and grandeur"
I looked at the silver ring with shining pearls on the shape of a rose.. And couldn't stop smiling.
_" happy birthday" he hushed.
That was my 18's birthday.
And as a second gift he kept his promise for me.. he did his best.. It's just that wedding rings are so hard to get.
And i was too picky.
       ***************************
You know what comes after loving someone without knowing why.. And finding that someone beside you everyday?
You forget that you really do love him so much.
You forget that you can't live without him even if it's hard being with him.
Within December .. Algeria won a ticket to the world cup.
And Rayan's house won an extra disaster called a new "baby brother".
The thing is .. Rayan never even told me that his step-mother was pregnant until the day i saw my mother putting her jewelries and Mimi doing her hair.
When i asked what was the occasion my mother answered:
_" you know the old jeweler who has two wifes?.. You should at least know him i suppose. Anyways.. His second wife gave birth to a second child and he's holding a huge feast for that .. We are invited there. He really has no shame indeed"
I was so surprised that , in my head, i started counting all the months Rayan could tell me at least about having a new brother, yet he didn't.
Mimi who was holding the hair drier and fixing my mother's short hair looked at me through the mirror in understanding.
She was the only one of my family who knew i dated Rayan.. It was clear to her that i had no idea about anything.
So in that rare moment when she acted nice with me she suggested:
_"Mama, take Nadia with you .. Let her meet new people"
_" why take her? She'll eat her tongue if anyone asked her anything!"
I looked at her decidedly and said:
_" i want to go"
And just like that .. Mimi did my hair too.. I put make up. Wore a beautiful dress.
Hided all of that under my 'Ibaya ( a black long and large dress) and followed my mothers steps towards the world Rayan always hidden from me.
It sure was frustrating not knowing anything about Rayan. At that time i felt angry.. But after all these years and all what happened.. I now understand his reasons.
Their house was one of the biggest in the neighborhood .. The kind of houses you look at and say to your self " people living in this place should thank god day and night for this heaven on earth" .. Alas, indeed the white huge walls cover the darkest of hearts.
The Music was roaring in the street coming out of the windows. Cars were parked all over the place. Many men coming and going .. Holding baskets of vegetables and meat to the house. As others sat around tables drinking coffee and eating cookies.
Such grand parties are usually held for weddings. Only a smug would celebrate the birth of his child like this.
I slowed my pace a bit .. Searching for Rayan with my eyes, but there was no sign of him.
Having no faith of finding him anywhere .. I just followed my mother inside the house.
The smell of cooking hit us once we stepped in.. The sound of music was by far deafening.
My mother greeted so many women then.. By courtesy i had to do the same. I gave every one of them 4 kisses in the air while "slamming" my cheeks to theirs. 6 for the clingy ones.
I kept greeting those women i didn't even know until my cheeks where numb and my mouth muscles where sore.
Only then my mother found a place for us to sit in the guest room, beside women i didn't know of course and didn't even have to introduce my self to.
The moment we took off our hijabs the woman beside my mother gossiped:
_" good thing you didn't come earlier on. You would have seen the first wife shouting and cursing."
Of course she meant " you weren't lucky enough to witness a scene which will make your mouth wet with words for months"
My mother gave her a ladylike fake agony and said:
_" poor her, at the end of her age she has to see her husband bringing another woman and celebrating the birth of his child as if he was the newborn prince"
_" but no! she has no complaint about anything now" the woman whispered.
_" why is that?" I interrupted.

The lady who looked like noticing me for the first time looked at me hesitant for a moment.
She looked at my mother next and noticing the slight resemblance between us but enough to reassure her that i was her daughter.. She took a deep breath and said:
_" she's very sick .. She just wants to be reassured that her boys would have their share in the inheritance before she dies"
I felt like choking at that moment.. I felt so sorry for her, and so sorry for Rayan.
" my mother hates me" he said to me .. At that time when me and him barely talked.
He isn't someone to lie.. Or act out of emotions. So he meant it.
How hard is it for him dealing with his mother?
At that moment.. I felt so sad i barely held my self from running outside .. Finding him.. And hugging him until our bones combine.
But that's impossible.
The next week when we were on our way to school.. I was holding my book revising for the exam on my way when Rayan walking beside me suddenly said:
_" i saw you at the baby's feast"
I stopped walking .. And turned to look at him.
You know?.. As much as i tell you how handsome Rayan is.. That can never be enough.
It's not about his face .. Nor the shape of him. It's just that in my eyes, he always looked the most beautiful thing.
When i look at him.. I'm always surprised.
And i tell my self everytime:
" how can this work of art love me back?"
In my memory, he'll always be so beautiful.. And so sad.
"Painful beauty"
I looked at him and i asked:
_" how did you know i came?"
He smiled charmingly and answered:
_" even if you cover your face and wear clothes the size of an elephant .. I'll still know you"
_" how do you feel about ..everything?" I hushed.
Not sure wether i had the right to ask that.
He looked at me for some time.
With Those dark eyes .. Under the heavy clouds.
_" Sad"