That Winter You Came (Completed)

Episode 22

" i wish you could see you with my eyes.
I wish you could love you with my heart.
Only then you'd realise that i live only for you"
When i asked Rayan not to come pick me up again his answer was:
_" i think this school is actually doing some good to you. In the French class you actually answered right!"
And then he totally ignored my suggestion and acted as if i didn't say it.
And in weekend i still found him sitting across the street holding some book in his hand .. When i walked closer to him and he noticed that Farid and I came out of the school he stuffed that book in his bag .. Lifted the bag from the floor and came to meet us:
_" let's go" he casually said like if i didn't already ask him not to come again. he walked beside us .. Kept listening to Farid and I reciting what we learned without saying a word.
I only wish i could go back to that time. Only to give my self a slap on the face.
April passed just like that .. Going to school.. Coming back from school. Spending lunch time with Rayan. But with Yassmine and Farid too.
I didn't notice how uncomfortable was Rayan until that day at the end of April when he suddenly snatched a bag of chips from my hand and stepped on it harshly.
The chips bag exploded like a little bomb and some of the chips flied a little distance.
I looked at his crazy behaviour and shouted:
_" what's with you!"
_" why are you buying this for him?" He asked with flames flying from his eyes.
I looked at him impatiently . like if he was a burden i carried all around.
I loved him.. I hated him. But more than that i felled tired of him.
I sighed and said:
_" Yassmine and i planned this.. Farid always bragged about his skills in eating so we wanted to see how he will handle chips. It sounded fun.. Now you ruined it like you ruin everything all the time"
_" Farid! Farid! .. Can't you see that you only care for him these days? ...wait.  When did i ever ruined anything?" He added.
We were standing beside the school gate.. So everyone around us was both disturbed and interested in our fight.
I noticed them .. The only thing Rayan noticed was me ignoring him.
So he urged:
_" look at me! When did i ever ruin a thing?"
Impatient i replied:
_" this isn't the first time you snatch things from my hands and destroy them.. Remember valentine and the rose Imad gave me? Since we're talking about the things you destroyed remember Salim and I? And the english project? You made a boy hit me!.. And yes the bullying it all started because of you. Since i've known you my life got so hard!"
I didn't plan to say that.. You don't wake up in the morning and right on a sheet the things that hurts you the most and that hurts your boyfriend the most too if you mentioned them. You just say them in a moment of anger .. And then you have to deal with the consequences.
I always wished Rayan was the kind to explode in my face. Shout and say hurtful words too but he wasn't.
That day he looked at me for so long .. Breathed hard and said calmly:
_" i'll go buy you another bag of chips"
And then he walked away.
I followed him secretly.
Because i felt guilty throwing my tantrum on him over a bag of chips.
He walked straight to the nearest shop. Bought a bag of chips. And after he went out of the shop he went directly to sit at a near stairs.
And kept holding his head between his palms for so long.
The bell rang .. We were both long late for school yet he didn't look like he cared about it.
I remember i thought with my self for so long at that moment . i looked at the boy who filled my universe with so much emotions that i no longer knew what i felt for him.. And i said to my self, that if i was ever going to break up with him as i planned then that was the right moment.
I already told him about the grudges i held for him.. So i could simply walk towards him and say the truth.
That i only agreed to go out with him to avenge all those stuff, that i'm the worst person .. And he's the worst person. And to each other we're like a loaded gun and sharp knife so it's better to break up.
But no matter how hard i tried to convince my self to do that i couldn't let go of him.
No matter how i looked at him i still only saw the boy i loved.
I just loved him so much.
And that's the moment i realised that i forgave him.
Somehow along the way i left my plan behind.. And i wanted to just be with him.
I took a deep breathe .. And i went to meet him.
I stood in front of him.. So he lifted his head slowly to look at me.
He was surprised:
_" what are you doing here.. You missed the bell" he said.
_" you too" i smiled.
I took the bag of chips from his hand .. Sat beside him and opened it.
I ate it.
He looked at me for some time .. And then he said:
_" last year i had no idea that i was the reason people bullied you. I was new in the school and i thought it was going on since ever. When Yassmine told me the truth i tried to correct things right away, i know it was late.. So i'm very sorry"
I didn't look at him. Instead i said:
_" what about the English project?"
_" that, i was angry too that Fouzi and that girl did nothing. I even told you to report them and i did that with you. I didn't expect things to turn bad.. I'm so sorry"
_"Salim"
_" i'm not sorry for Salim. Nor valentine" he said determined.
And that's when i turned to look at him.
Those eyes i'll keep looking for .. For the rest of my life.
The face i will long to touch . and the hair i will be surprised with how soft it is.
I said:
_" you have a lot of things to be sorry for. Aren't you with me because you feel guilty"
_" if i were with you over guilt i would have left a long time ago" he smiled.
He took a deep breath and said:
_" do you have any idea how painful it is to be around you?if you had.. you would feel guilty instead"
_" then break up with me" i suggested.
And i meant it.
Because We were poisonous to each other.
Still he looked at me angry and said:
_" don't you dare talk about break up again. I went through so much for you  not to let you go easy like this. Don't you dare leave me .. I'll fix it no matter how wrecked it is, always"
I nodded.
No kisses, No hugs.
With just that being said we walked again to school. He got him self a pass somehow and i brought out the "urgent feminine situation" excuse to the old guard again and got my self a pass
Still, i wish we stayed for a little longer and discussed Farid, Salim, Imad, the school, his father.
I wish i was less selfish.
Because when you don't solve things they just accumulate.
I didn't realise how things were getting more complicated only when suddenly Rayan punched Farid one day when we were coming back from school without even a reason!
We were reciting the words we learned, Farid was showing me how to say them correctly and the next thing i saw was Rayan blocking his way and punching him on the chest.
_" are you crazy!" I shouted.
But he ignored me and only continued walking leaving both of us behind.
I bent down to check on the poor Farid. I know that a punch from someone who was taking wrestling lessons for so long must be really painful.
He looked at me with a sour face and said:
_" why is your boyfriend acting like an animal?"
_" i'm sorry, Are you alright?"
He nodded, Although he didn't look good.
_" we live in a modern world where conflicts should be solved with discussion. I'm a very civilised person and i do not tolerate such behavior. But i'll do nothing only for your sake"
I nodded.. Although i knew he wouldn't do anything just because he was afraid.
The next morning i was so angry that when i met Rayan at the fence i ignored him.
I ignored him at lunch too.
When we went out of the Cafeteria he decided he no longer could support it So he blocked my way and said:
_" ok, i admit it, I acted crazy yesterday"
I gave him an impatient look and said:
_" is this little confession of yours going to do me any good? What about the poor Farid? .. What did he do to you?"
He looked really angry .. Yet he calmly ordered:
_" quit that school"
At that time .. That seemed like the most selfish thing he could ever say to me.
He looked at me pleadingly and said:
_" come .. I'll show you"
He grabbed my hand all at sudden .. So i freed it harshly and ordered:
_" don't touch me"
He ignored that .. And  went directly to our class .. So i followed him.
What he did was, That he brought out his results paper and said:
_" see? I got the best marks in languages. You don't need to go to that school because i'll help you"
At that time .. I was so angry at him that i thought he was bragging about his marks.
So i looked at him coldly and said:
_" ok mr genius , why don't you just go teach at that school instead? If it bothers you so much to see me with Farid then why don't you just join the school and be my duet instead. If not then don't come again to wait for me .. I already know the way to my house and i don't need you"
You see, this what was wrong about us .. The lack of communication.
In every couple there's two sides to the story, there isn't such thing like "i'm doing my best but he doesn't care enough" .. Or "he's selfish and only thinks about him self" ..Or " he doesn't care about me" .. The only true question i needed to ask was "why?" .. "Why was he doing that?"
Because only then i would have known his side of the story.
That he worked really hard to get those marks though he had to work. That he didn't join the school only because he didn't have the money for it.
That he felt like an extra every time he walked me .. But he was afraid that if he didn't do that i would end up forgetting about him and falling for Farid.
If i did talk to him. Then his first confession to me wouldn't be:
_" i wish i could stop loving you"
That's what he said.. After i finished talking he crawled the results paper in his hand. Looked at the window as if he couldn't look inside my face again.
And then with tears he said:
_" i wish i could stop loving you"