It was under control

five

Jules

I just want to be happy.

Have you ever cried? Not like the regularly cry, like the harsh cry. The difficult breathing type of cry. When you heart feels like it is splitting in half, due to the aggressive sobs that pain your chest, every time you take a breath in. That feeling of being held underwater, until you want to take a breath but it's impossible to lift your head above the cold substance. When your heart has finally travelled and been engulfed in your stomach, and the feeling of throwing up and getting rid of everything is dangerously prominent. Meaning your soul is gone, mind in a inky abyss and your heart disintegrated into the toxic atmosphere. Your feelings fade into numbness. Your eyes become blurry, salty tears now running down your face and onto your week old clothes. You just end up going to sleep hurting, hungry for physical reassurance and love. Waking up with a pounding headache and no connection to anyone. Just reminiscing your ever lasting pain. Pain. So much pain. So much hunger for love and emotional connection. Hunger for happiness. Hunger to be loved. Loved. What even is love? Are you loved? Is anyone actually loved? All I know is that I don't not love myself. I really wished I did.

At that moment my body fell into an uncomfortable startled movement, as I moved suddenly all around the bed, gripping onto the bed with one hand and my body with the other. Pushing my body up and down as the nightmare and dreaded thoughts consume me. Why does this nightmare keep coming back again? Why am I constantly flooded with nightmares? Until i'm shook and squeezed back to reality by Tom. Tom, he was still here, still by my side. "Hey Jules, just another nightmare, nothing you can't handle hey." He said sleepily, had he really even slept? My body was so tense and my fists still tightly held together, my head was to the side and my feet swiping up and down the bed. Tom placed his hands lightly on my shins to relax them, until he finally placed his hand on the side of my head, whispering reassuring connotations to calm me down.

I opened my eyes with care, gently letting in the bright light; notifying me how late in the day it actually was. "Wait what time is it?" I sat up using my elbows and looked over at Tom who regained his position on the chair next to my bed. While I tucked away the lose strands of my hair behind my ears.

He looked at the watched strapped to his wrist, "3:30pm."

"What day?"

"Thursday sweetheart. You alright?" I now peered down at my tube and machine infested body, tight bandages seemed to be covering the rest of me, creating a heavy weight that my weak body struggled to hold. I now felt the repercussions of my self harm, as emotion started to swell deep within me; almost as though I was going to breakdown any minute. "Jules?" I snapped my head around to Tom who was hunched over, his elbows resting on his lap and fingers interlocked. I didn't realise how violently my body was shaking and there was now pearls of feelings that trickled down my face, without my permission. I sat up fully now, feeling the pain of the bed hitting my thighs while Tom came and sat down on the bed. "Would you like to talk about anything?"

I shook my head vigorously, "no, i'm okay, I don't even know why i'm crying."

"It's okay to not have a reason to cry, sometimes we are just sad; and that is valid."

"But I want to know why."

"Alright, well tell me how you feel."

"Um, empty, like a sinking feeling and well quite frankly extremely confused."

"Do you think because you are confused it's making you panic and feel even more out of control?"

"Mmm."

"Yeah? So what are we going to do about that?"

"I don't know. Ignore it." I cheekily smiled, while  looking down and picking at my fingers.