It was under control

nineteen

Jules

I can only recover once i'm underweight.

I can only recover once I lose my period.

I can only recover once i'm diagnosed.

I can only recover once i'm in inpatient.

I can only recover once i'm on deaths door.

But now, I wish I could recover, I hit all those milestones, and nothing changed, nothing got better, please take it from me. You will never please your eating disorder. You will never please Ana. Recover now. Recover when you can. Before you are rushed into the hospital. Before they force you to recover. Before you feel invalidated. Before you get traumatised.

Trauma leaves behind eternal scars...

And now I am just a girl, in a dark, empty room. All I am is the girl in room 28. I feel so alone. Yet I hear that voice in the shadows. It chucks words at me carelessly, which impale deep into my already broken soul. Why does this voice hurt me so much? Why does it want to cause me this much pain? I'm just a girl in a room. That's it. Surrounded by similar broken people. Trapped in my own mind. Too trapped in their own life, their own walls, to hear the voices that haunt me.

I'm strong. I promise you. I've built a wall. I'm sure you can see it. It's so high now, that very few, if any have managed to climb over it. It's impenetrable, scaring away any vulnerability to the human eye. Well almost everyone's human eye... it's powers grow weaker as the reader ventures on. And although it has shielded the external harm, I am still behind it do not forget, and that internal pain, breaks me into a million pieces.

As I sit on my windowsill, waiting for morning snack, I realised it was happening again. What you may ask, well the feeling of hopelessness. The feel that nothing matters anymore, even though now more than ever, I know there is a reason to live, I know that I have to recover. So i'm going to try, try and keep a smile on my face, try and open up more. However all the things that I thought would fix me, is actually killing me. I'd rather stay in this room, under my covers, protected from the world. It feels like the end, like I can't keep going on anymore, I want to give up, I want the world to suck me up, taking me deep down to the core, so that I no longer have to go through this. But I now know, that's not the mindset to go by, that's not how i'm going to recover.

Anna took me to have my morning snack, I was given a cereal bar and orange juice. All to eat within 15 minutes. I thought Anna was just taking me there, but as she sat down, with her cup of coffee and files, I realised that I was wrong; "where's Tom?"

"He's doing something else right now."

"Why isn't he with me?"

"You won't always get Tom, Jules you have to realise that. I'm not that bad am I?"

"Why have they changed it?"

"Jules, enough questions, start eating please."

"Are they stupid? Why would they change who I sit with?"

"Enough! Eat your morning snack. It's not the hard. Just eat. Put the food to your mouth, and chew. It's really not that difficult. I don't get why you are making such a big deal. You have to eat, you have no choice. Look at you Jules, you look terrible, you look as though you are dead. And by the way, just because Tom isn't here, does not give you an excuse to act up."

"JUST EAT! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is why I have Tom sitting with me, because he fucking understands me, because he isn't stupid and doesn't say idiotic things like you. Do you know how hard it is to just eat? Do you? No. No you fucking don't, because you don't have a shitting eating disorder! No actually fuck off! I'm not eating this now. And that's your fault. You horrible bitch, you can't say shit like that."