It was under control

twelve

Jules

Eat. Eat. Eat.

What a horrible 3 letter word.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

A word that controls me.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

It's more than just a 3 letter word.

Do not eat.

But if you throw 2 more words in. What a blissful phrase to Ana.

Do Not Eat.

More aggressive this time Ana. These 3 words are carved into my mind. These 3 words are toxic. But I still do not eat.

I do not deserve it.

"Good morning Jules, time to get up sweetheart." Tom spoke out from the doorway, while staring hopeful at me while I was tucked up, under my covers. I groaned to indicate to Tom, that I did not intend on getting up. The aftermath of this past week had taken its toll on me, I was physically and mentally drained. He opened my blinds and I squinted in repercussion, moaning at him to close them again. "Nope, time to get meds and then breakfast, please." He pulled the covers back and I quickly snapped them from his grip, as the cold air seeped in.

"It's cold!"

"It's not actually cold Julianna, silly girl! Now up please before we are late."

"Leave me alone Thomas." My voice croaked and I was in a mood. Tom came and sat down next to me, brushing the hair away from my face and in that moment I broke down, I was shocked at my own emotions. I wasn't prepared for them. I hadn't slept all night, I was tired and irritable, every single time I closed my eyes I pictured Theo covered in blood. I pictured his bitten wrist, his pale blue face. But worst of all I pictured Tom's panicked expression and that's when I knew it was serious. Flashbacks from the day before pushed their way into my mind, creating even more vivid images that felt like they were being projected at the back of my eyes. I began to shake viciously, my eyes began to pour with water just like the rain outside. It's sad that people like the rain because they no longer are crying alone.

I could tell Tom wanted to comfort me, but was torn between following the rules or helping me, "Jules," he paused while he grabbed onto my legs that were purposely kicking into him, "stop Jules." However Tom didn't say it in a demanding or stern tone, it was weak; almost expressing exhaustion and with that I noticed the dark circles that tormented his face. "Get dressed please." Tom sighed and walk away, out to the corridor and closed my door in the process. I sat confused on my bed for a while, until I discovered the floor with my feet, and sluggishly made my way over to the door, I cracked it open slightly to see Tom leant up against the same wall as the door; his head resting up against the wall until it snapped to view me. "That was quick."

I shook my head, my tears were still flowing and I crossed my arms over my chest, "what is wrong?" I stuttered out.

"Nothing is wrong Jules, nothing. Mind getting changed now?" He seemed impatient and his hands were placed into his pockets. I slammed the door shut, Tom marched in, "you do not slam doors Julianna, do you hear me? Don't you ever do that again." He was angry. Tom never got angry. Throughout this whole story never once have I told you that Tom acted out of anger, I made sure to highlight his kind and calm demeanour. But he was angry. So angry. His hand was holding the door open and he was watching my every move, I was taken back slightly from the aggressive tone.

"Why are you so mad?" I cried out, actual salty tears flooded down my face, and I saw on Tom's a wave of realisation. They say the things that finally break you, are the manner of words spoken by the person who saved you at your lowest. Tom. You will eventually experience this feeling, everyone does, when the words get caught in your throat, just as if you are holding your breath under water. You just have to keep swimming until your body deserves air, but what if you didn't think your body deserved air? Would you just not breathe?