It was under control

twenty three

Doctor Carson

From your shoulders to the top of your hands, thighs to your knees, ribs to your stomach, and forehead. You showed me where you carved your life's story, all the while telling me that the razor blades were the offenders in your situation. Air was your way of telling your story, so you let scars cover nearly ever inch of you body, because of that storyline. You can trace them back to the day everything all began. Being a therapist, I try and help you understand, control and recover from those situations. I wear what you call a cape, meeting you and a what feels like a hundred other souls; who are looking for a superhero to save them.

I get given an armful of problems and asked if I can make them better. Replaying the most horrible and coldest words the world has ever tortured them with, and ask me to rearrange them and make them disappear from their minds. Yet my cape, is only made of motivational words, so most days my power is knowing what they want to hear, and trying to make them say it back themselves. In a way I can talk a knife out of your hand, while untangling the tangle of lies you tell yourself. Yet sometimes I wonder if my words are enough? Or if 45 minutes to an hour is long enough, to convince you that you can get better.

On the days that you ask me, why do I bother? That life has dragged you down the wrong path consistently throughout your life. That you are so tired of your life and feeling lost. When you tell me that I have no idea what it feels like. Should I show you where I once sketched my own story, my own pain? You tell me the number of times you cut, is to total the amount you feel like you have failed today, or feel as though you have failed to save yourself.

You ask me again, why do I bother? So all I can tell you, is i'm a therapist, not a mortician. I can't make a dead person alive and happy again. But what I can do, is when you are struggling, having a bad day, or need reminding why you are still living, or to remember why you wanted to live in the first place; I am here. I'm here to show you that you can survive anytime, unless you let it kill you.

Razor blades do not change your trauma.

It will not lead you to a shortcut to avoid the pain in life. But if you need help reminding yourself that you are strong enough to endure it, if you need that person to talk to, who will listen, who will teach you how to cope, I have all the tools you and your mind needs and desires.

Yes every story comes to an end. But I will not let you end yours before your ink runs out. I will not let you just end your story prematurely. I'm sorry but I will not allow you to stop writing, not yet. Your story isn't finished Jules. Your story is nowhere near ready to end.

One thing I can promise you, once you open your barriers and get through the hardest parts in recovery, you will not regret a single second of your choice to get better. I know that you will go through times where you absolutely despise your body. Or feel disgusted at yourself, the food you have consumed or the feeling of a full stomach. You may even miss the old you, and i'm certain you will go through a long phase of wanting sick you back, wanting to be ill again. And yes you may still desire that unrealistic sense of control that it didn't even really give you.

But you need to look at the other side of it, not only are you granting yourself food freedom, but you are allowing yourself to live that life that young you always dreamt of. And you will finally realise that your body, and the number you weigh has no value in life except to be the vessel of the true person that you are.

I think you are terrified that you will never find that old Jules again. The Jules before all the heartache and eating disorder. You are scared of seeing your body change, thinking that it is your only value in life. But the thing you need to realise is, that you lost every part of you to that eating disorder and you now need to fight for her back.

You can finally leave behind the Jules, who is constantly freezing, lacks energy and is miserable. For a Jules who can live her life for what it is worth, who will flourish at every challenge. And of course you will still face your struggles, but you will have the willpower to overcome them.

You will get there.

You need to put the work in now to heal your relationship with food and ultimately your body.

I can't promise you that it will be easy, or a quick process.

But what I can promise you is that you can find your true self again. She is not lost Jules. Just tucked away. Maybe quite deep. But she is making her way to the surface. You just have to give her a little helping hand.

I know you have got yourself through everything for so long. You would smooth yourself to sleep, wrap your arms tightly around your fragile body for comfort and wiped your own tears. Yet you refused yourself food when you were hungry, water when thirsty. You wouldn't care for yourself like you did for others. I know you would go to bed most nights, wondering if you would wake up, deep down hoping that you wouldn't. You punished yourself in ways I don't think you even realised you were doing so. Continuously convincing yourself that you deserve it. You well and truly believed that you were broken, that you were evil, all because of the way your life happened to play out. And for that i'm sorry Jules, i'm sorry that you had to face years of your mind torturing you, and you felt like you had to cope with that by yourself. I just hope that you now realise that there are so many people wanting to support you, wanting to break that stereotype in your mind.

Life is so much more than numbers.

So please hold on.

So you ask me why do I care so much? Because I wish more than ever that you could see the life that is available to you. I wish that you could experience the happiness that you deserve. And you will get there. In time. I will continue to help you because I know everything will be so much better eventually. Eventually your life will no longer be driven by numbers, food, suicidal thoughts or self harming.

You just have to keep fighting for that day.

Can you keep fighting for me Jules? Keep fighting for yourself.

And to whoever is reading this, can you keep on fighting?

I need you to just keep on fighting...