It was under control

twenty five

Jules can't drown her demons, because they all seem to be able to swim.

She took a breath in, while she felt wobbly on her feet as she walked the girls corridor, taking in the Christmas decorations that littered the walls, mostly handmade from the patients. It seemed tacky but it got most people into the Christmas spirit. Jules however was not looking forward to Christmas, it was always a toxic and stressful time for her, not just about how the holiday was centred around food, but also the fact that she was normally forced to be around the family. Who always liked to make diet culture comments, or mention how ill Jules was starting to look.

Jules knew that she wouldn't be getting leave for Christmas, not that she even had anywhere to go anymore. Yet she felt disappointed that she hadn't got better enough to at least enjoy Christmas. The fact that it was Christmas baffled her, and as she was forced into joining group to do Christmas activities and games, Jules noticed how her temper seemed shorter, more irritated by all the noise, while also noticing a lot of sad faces. This was the wards way of trying to cheer up the patients who were not allowed to leave to celebrate Christmas at home. But Jules hadn't been feeling great recently, she would normally just blamed it on the meal plan increase, and that was the culprit of the reason she was throwing up.

Honestly Jules feel so weak and drowsy, her lack of appetite had got her in a lot of trouble recently at meal times, and with the throwing up, staff believe that Jules was doing it on purpose. I think she was fully aware that she was destroying herself with self sabotage, but it now felt as though her body was destroying itself as well. She was aching all over, head a constant state of fuzzy, all the while Jules's anxiety tics had returned, Doctor Carson even picked up on it.

As Jules was sat in the fairly busy room, legs tucked up as usual, hot and cold shivers surged over her; Jules's head bobbed at the heavy weight. She kept hearing her name being called as they tried to convince her to join in with the arts and crafts, the faint Christmas music played in the background, as patients giggled and sang along. Most psychiatrists, occupational therapists and some nurses were present in the room, all joining in with the games and activities. Tom had already spent the morning trying to get Jules into the room, and handed off the responsibility to Doctor Carson to get her to join in.

Jules could feel here eye lids drooping, as Doctor Carson came and sat beside her, "will you come and do some arts and crafts with us Jules?"

All she could let out was a whisper, "I don't want to."

"I think you will enjoy it. You like colouring right? I know Christmas is difficult for you, that's why engaging in distractions can make you feel better."

"No," was all Jules could reply with.

He looked at her rather concerned, "are you okay Jules? You look very pale."

"Mmm just tired."

"Do you feel ill?"

She had to lie, "nope."

"Come on then," with reluctance Jules pushed herself up from the chair, her legs felt as though they were going to collapse, the room was spinning as she grabbed onto Doctor Carson, who held onto her arm tightly, "Jules?"

"I need to sit," Doctor Carson moved to standing in front of her, he held her under her arms, and gently guided Jules to the floor, her head was bowed and she practically collapsed down onto the floor. Tom was now crouched down beside her, he brushed the hair from her face to be able to look at her. Jules could feel eyes staring at her, as the room went quiet, Tom told her to take a few deep breaths in and out, until she finally spoke out, "I just got up too quick, i'm fine."

"You look poorly Jules," Tom admitted.

"I'm okay Tom," Jules leant her banging head against him.