It was under control

thirty one

Jules

Oh so you thought it was over?

Well you thought wrong...

The human mind is the scariest thing of all.

And this time, maybe my mind is right. When it convinces me it's my time. I don't think I am strong enough to make it through another night. And quite frankly, I don't want to make it through another night. I really just genuinely want to go. I feel like it's time to say goodbye. The pain overtook everything. This isn't living, I am just suffering. It won. After all my fighting. It won.

I remember how my mother never hugged me. I always wished to cry into her arms, or anyones for that matter. To feel the warmth of a loving mother, a loving person. So as I lie on the floor, both tears falling, a loving person by my side; only one breathing. My wish, became real. Tom hugged me while he cried. Too bad I wasn't there to experience it. Warm embraces never felt so cold for me. And now I would have to watch over Tom and Flori, as they struggled over the pain that I have inflicted on them.

So when the weight of the world became too much for me to bare, the eating felt like torture, my body taking on cut after cut. The pills were gulped down my throat like sharp rocks...

I collapsed to the floor crying out, I was in so much mental pain, I just wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stop. As I sobbed on my bedroom floor, begging for the overdose to work this time. Begging to not have to be locked up in the psychiatric ward, or spend weeks in a hospital bed. Begging to not get attached to people so that they don't have to hurt when I finally leave.

I remember this feeling all too well from last time. When I would throw up so much that there wasn't even acid left in my stomach. How I couldn't move due to being so dizzy, that my whole world felt like it was spinning uncontrollably. When I could hardly breathe, grabbing onto my chest gasping for a breath.

And in that moment, the last part of my will to live was being exerted as it fought to stay alive. As my head became too heavy, eyelids started to stoop and there was nothing that I could do to stop it all from happening. I cradled my painful body, gripping onto my head, while it was banging and throbbing as I sobbed on the floor. Dying. Completely out of control.

It was under control. I had it under control.

But it isn't under control is it?

It never was. Just a game that I was playing.

I haven't got it under control. Can't you see that?

Unfortunately all books come to the end, but mine ended before the ink ran out. So yet another book will be closed and never finished, maybe I will never get that happy ending I so wished for. And although the ink ends here, my story will forever last within the words of these stories.

Jules, you were supposed to wait for the hourglass to run out of sand. Instead, you shattered it, making yourself bleed in the process, as you forced your time to end prematurely.