It was under control

twenty one

Jules

Tom left early in the morning due to an emergency. Well that was what I was told anyway, he wasn't there for any of my meals, which made it difficult for me. I was forced into group therapy after lunch, where a bunch of red eyed, skinny and dead looking patients were hurdled into a room like sheep. 1 hour of this shit, brilliant. Doctor Carson walked in, which was unusual, as Doctor Moss normally takes the afternoon group.

"Good afternoon all," he walked in calmly and caught my eye and smiled, before coming to sit down next to me, while we were all in a circle. "I understand that you normally have Doctor Moss, I can only apologise, she is currently engaged in another matter. And I understand that this may be uncomfortable for some of you, who have never spoken or had therapy with me. But i'll try my best to somewhat entertain you. Doctor Moss normally does activities and talks to you about your feelings after meal time. Is that correct?" No one replied, they weren't even looking at him or paying attention, "Jules? Is that right?"

I felt bad for him, so I looked him right in the eyes, "yeah."

He gave me a kind smile and then looked back at the group, "so I know some of you, but do you mind if we just go around and say our names?" No reply, "my name is Doctor Carson."

He looked to his left, over at me, "Jules."

The girl next to me seemed to be rather in a state, head in her hands, "what's your name?" Carson said softly. Yet there was no response, "that's okay, I understand it's difficult to talk to someone new, especially after meal time." I looked up at him and mouthed the word 'Abigail', he winked at me and mouth back thank you. I had my knees up to my chest, as everyone went around introducing themselves. "Thank you so much, shall we get on with the activities? Does Doctor Moss normally give you a choice?"

"Yeah we go for a run," one of the girls said.

The patients laughed, and Carson joined in cheerfully, "very funny Beth. Not too sure that's on our agenda today though." The girl seemed slightly taken back that he remembered her name already. "Anyone got any other... slightly more appropriate activities they want to do? Colouring? Board game?"

"We do that all day! No thanks." A girl called Grace spoke out.

"No problem, Grace right? It can get pretty tedious in here, how about we do some talking, and then when people feel more comfortable, we can start suggesting ideas. How does that sound?"

I was in my own world, when the doctor asked me a question, "sorry?" I replied.

"Were you listening Jules?"

"Yeah."

He raised his eyebrows, "what were we talking about then?"

"Um..."

"I asked how you would describe your eating disorder."

"That's an awkward question Carson."

"And why is it awkward Jules?"

"Because it's hard to explain what's going on in my head."

"Very true, can you give it a try? Others have."

"No."

"That's fine, I respect your boundaries. But I will be calling on you again, just to make sure you are actually listening to me."

To be honest i'm fighting a battle in my head, but I don't completely know who is winning or losing. It's me against the self sabotage side of my mind, that chemical imbalance that has tortured me for far too long. It just won't shut up. They won't let me live, continuously engraving and promoting diminishing thoughts into my head, and for some idiotic reason, every time I believe them. So i've got this fight against myself, and it's exhausting. Do I choose what i'm comfortable with? What i've been so use to for a lot of my life, knowing that it is slowly killing me? Or do I team up with what will cause me pain and suffering for a while, but in the long run I won't regret it. But I am going to end up loosing this battle, if I don't accept help.