BLACK SHEEP | DW

034.

"and me? i am tiny and yet vast, i blaze with light and yet i am full of darkness"
-sujata bhatt

two weeks. there was two weeks until school started up again and venus had to succumb to the terrors of the stereotype phenomenon.

every school was the same. the jocks trap the nerdy kids in a locker, and jump them after school. the nerdy kids base their whole existence off of which colleges they got accepted to and complain about getting an a minus, instead of that blessed plus. the rich kids wear the best clothes, and look like they could be plastered on the front of a fashion magazine. the lower class kids wore the same shoes they have been for the past few years, smoke up the bathrooms with their cigs, and skip class.

and venus, she was somewhere in the middle.

that was the stereotype phenomenon of course. not all people fell into those categories. but venus had a category of her own.

freak.

venus was labeled as the school freak. like an unsightly performer in the circus. it was funny for others to watch her, like they couldn't tear their eyes away and wait for her next unfortunate misstep.

she got her schedule in the mail the other day.

she had study hall with two-bit, lunch with ponyboy and johnny, algebra with steve, and home economics with angela. but for four other periods she would be utterly alone. no sense of protection, no sense of friendship, and no confidence.

a part of the girl wished she could just hire a bodyguard to walk around with her, stop the socs from saying any snide comments or terrorizing her anymore— but that was stupid. that would only attract more unwanted attention.

at least in her old school she knew who to steer clear from, all the places to hide away, but now she had to learn it all again.

one year. she kept telling herself it was only one year until she was done with high school, and she just had to push through.

but it was gonna be hard.

just like writing this letter back to Dally was hard. but still, like she found a sense of comfort in writing to him, she had let out all her worries on the paper.

she decided to comply, seeing that they have made some type of progress, and honored his wishes of not trying to help him anymore. but that didn't mean she would stop complaining about her own life.

she couldn't find it in herself to complain to angela, she would only want her to let it out— to cry, and venus didn't want that. angela was still too young to understand the point of where venus was in her life.

she couldn't complain to two-bit, or steve, or darry, cause even though she would consider them friends, she wasn't all too close to them. and they certainly had it worse off then her.

she couldn't complain to soda, cause that boy seemed like he couldn't be upset or grasp the concept of her familial issues in the slightest.

she couldn't complain to ponyboy, cause that would turn into him calling her ungrateful, and telling her to try to deal with darry for a day and see that she's got it good.

and she couldn't complain to johnny, cause she felt too bad doing so. of course, he would understand and be there for her, but with what was happening in his own life something didn't sit right with her.

so that left Dally. and something in complaining to him, and him telling her to get over it, made her feel better. like if Dally could have went through everything he had, then so could venus.

so she let it out.

Dallas,

school starts in two weeks, and i can't help feel as though there will be a lot more issues than just bricks flying unexpectedly through my window.

i have to deal with four classes, not knowing anyone, and hope that it won't be complete hell.

would it be terrible to drop out now? before i have to experience possibly the worst year of my life?

it kind of sounds dumb, i know. i care too much about others opinions on me. but it's hard to ignore when it's been that way most of your life.

when you have to hear people calling you a freak, and chastising your family, part of you starts thinking that it's true.

i wonder if the world will ever accept it. if there will ever be a time my family can just coexist with all the other families and not be scared.

it's strange. there's so many fucked up families, but no one cares because it's a man and a woman, but my family, who is an awful lot better, could get torn apart.

i've heard about gay men getting thrown in jail before, just for being gay, i wonder if that will be my families fate one day. i wonder if that will ever change. i wonder if anyone will ever be able to stand up and say that the discrimination is wrong— like they do with the civil rights movement.

i wonder if everyone will stop being such assholes and realize we're all just people, trying to get by in this world.

my dad told me something once. he said, "the world is fair because it is unfair to everyone." but is that true? is if fair when some people's hardships are worse than the next persons?

most of all, what does this mean for me? am i doomed to a life of misunderstanding and harassment just because of who my father is?

will anyone ever look at me without their impression being that i am the daughter of a gay man?

i understand now why you will not be my friend.

i would never want to subject you to that.

better off not your friend,
venus