BLACK SHEEP | DW

054.

"it's not about the cards your dealt, but how you play the hand."
randy pausch

she was living at the center of a wound, still fresh.

when the little bell chimes above the door to welcome her, and her bare feet had pressed against the cold linoleum floor, she only saw endings.

everything ends.

there in the corner laid their last glimpse of hope. hidden from view. their in the corner laid the last piece of his soul that Dally had.

venus wasn't sure she could fix this one.

he met her eye, slow but feeling. he was feeling, and it was too much. "johnny's gone, man," he broke.

the way his voice had trembled, leaving his lip to quiver under the salt infused tears that rolled down his face. the way venus had stepped forward, thinking she might shatter under the weight of his words.

he was gone?
gone.

he wasn't asleep, he wasn't at that hospital waiting, he was gone. and it was her fault.

she couldn't tell if it was survivors guilt, or victims envy, but she couldn't shake the feeling that it should have been her who was dead in that hospital bed and not johnny.

it should have never been johnny.

"doesn't mean you're gone too," she said, taking in a wheezing breath. that run, it hurt her every time she inhaled the night air, making a crackling sound in her lung. she was dumb to leave the hospital, so dumb, but not dumb enough to leave Dally like this.

he had not gone crazy yet, but he was very very close to the bone. "he-he's gone, venus. he died right in front of me! all for saving some kids? is that what happens to good people? you try so hard to end up like that? how is that fair!" he blew up, all the anger and rage that had been piling in his gut, he was gonna explode.

"it's not fair," venus cried out, half petrified by Dally's shaky being. "it's just not! nothing is ever fair! but that doesn't mean you don't try!"

lurching forward a few steps, she wheezed again, gripping onto the shelving to ground herself. "if my dad, if bill, never tried, maybe they wouldn't have been happy. if johnny didn't try, maybe all those kids would've been dead. if we... if we didn't try," she faltered in the face of vulnerability, "then maybe i would've never felt like there was anywhere on this earth made for me."

"venus," he said, almost warning.

"Dally—" she cut him off. "i meant what i said at the hospital. that night, i meant it. i still mean it. maybe if i never met you, i wouldn't be sane. or maybe i would be, i don't know which is worse."

venus wheezed in another breath, her inhales getting shorter, and breathing getting more inconsistent. "please," she begged. "life goes on, but i need it to go on with you."

grabbing her by the shoulders, he pulled her into his chest, maybe more for himself than for her. he held the girl so tight, like she was his whole world.

he listened, like she was the heartbeat between his ribs. how could one person make someone feel, and care, and love, even when they swore they never would? love. he loved her.

when he took his hand, careful and slow, and ran it from the crown of her head all the way down the length of her hair, he placed his lips over her forehead. for just a moment, he didn't care how he might have looked doing it, for just a moment, he did it because it felt right. "venus," he said her name and everything around him shone a little brighter.

the colors were more vibrant. his heart picked up pace. and he suddenly remembered what it felt like to live his life feeling that joy. maybe he wanted to spend forever like that, like how she made him feel.

"venus," he said again, more confident this time, and he could recall the night he first kissed her. how the fusing of their skin made him feel like she was always part of him, how she was that other side of his soul.

he remembered all the things she had done for him, how she had always gave away parts of her in hopes of something in return. how he took so long to give that to her.

not anymore.

"i love you," he said, and this time, he didn't lie.

and suddenly, that hopeless feeling became a list, a list in his head of all the things he wanted to do, to feel, before he died. she might have ticked off many things in that list.

"i love you, also," she told him, and his heart leapt up into his throat.

in the darkness of the night, nothing could have shone brighter than venus had. not even the red and blue lights as they approached the store.

it wasn't until then that venus noticed what Dally had done, what he was going to do. but like always, she was there, and like always, she proved to the broken boy that he was not alone.

he dropped the gun on the linoleum floor, releasing her once more. "Dally," she started slowly.

"i'm sorry," he instantly replied, but still was crazed enough to smile at her, in his own convoluted way.

"my dad, he can't—"

"i know."

as the two stared out at the window, as the police came out of the cruisers with their guns drawn, Dally held her hand, and everything felt right once again. "i promise, man" he muttered. "when i get out, i will come to jersey, and we'll spend the rest of our lives together."

he didn't look at her, he didn't see the silent tears that escaped the corners of her eye, they only stared straight forward, passed the window, passed the flashing red and blue lights, passed the skies, into the universe.

and even then, the answer for venus was always Dally.

everything was always Dally, and always had been Dally.

all other words fell short by comparison, no other name could tell a story like six simple letters.

Dallas.