Let's Fake It

XOXO

I haven't really been sleeping all that well.

And I really don't feel like going to a Valentine's Day party. Finn and I agreed a couple days ago that we would announce our "break up" to our friends and family first. He graciously agreed to my terms. I didn't want to face him so we did it all over the phone. Of course everyone who didn't know it was fake was shocked and disappointed. Especially since it was so close to this stupid holiday. But despite our private fake breakup Finn has said he would try and give me space to think about what he said before. But I don't know. I use to be so sure of everything but now this. And I never even told him I had stopped accepting money so add that to the long list of instances of me lying to him.

I want to be with him and I do love him and hearing him almost say it made my heart swell. But everything I said was still true. We can't be together if he's still with Olive because we would be just as bad as her. And how can he still be with her and pursuing me!? It's not really building the trust I mentioned we both lacked.

"Come on rach, go party out all the bs, no one will question it" Santana said

"Yeah and to be fair, we all know you have feelings for him so on some level this was kinda like a real break-up so do normal post break up things like party!" Blaine added

Santana elbowed him and I frowned,

"Thanks for the reminder" I groaned

Santana followed me as I made my way to my room ready to bury myself under the covers. I hate that this is what my life has come too. I also hate that Olive left me a very cryptic message. "Our business is done, congrats" like what does that even mean. Also technically hasn't our business been done? Does this mean Finn didn't leave her? I mean I shouldn't care, I turned him down because I picked the absolute worst time to grow back a conscious. I also hate that I miss him so much and that I continue to push him away. Why couldn't we have met normally, I'm sure we probably would've been on our way to completing the normal conventional relationship steps by now, like moving in or getting a dog. But no I just had to let myself get sucked into all this drama.

"OooO look Chris will be at the party and he heard about your breakup so maybe some rebound sex?" Santana said while wiggling her eyebrows while shoving her phone showing Mercedes' text

I glance up and see them waiting in anticipation. I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't care about Chris anymore! I care about what Finn is doing today and where he is and more importantly who he's with, which is driving me crazy.

"I don't want rebound sex" I mumble "I want Finn"

And then it hits me and it all pours out. The tears start flowing and flowing and I can't stop them. Blaine and Santana instantly rush to my side. I lean on Blaine and just cry and Santana rubs my back,

"I just hate that I let myself fall for him and his stupid charm and a part of me wants to give it a shot but it's too complicated! And I hate this" I cry out

"Nobody blames you Rachel and it's okay to feel this way, you two spent a lot of time together it could've happened to anyone" Blaine told me

"I just, I've never felt this way for anyone in my life and it freaks me out" I say while crying

"We'll stay in with you and watch that god awful long funny girl movie with you, screw the party" Santana says in determination

"No, no" I quickly respond

I wipe my tears and crinkle my nose a little bit and sit up straight.

"You guys were right, I need to do normal post breakup things and a party is a perfect way to forget about Finn" I quickly decide