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ANNABELLE LUPIN-BLACK
Some say I've gone off the deep end. I couldn't care either way. Getting high with the Slytherins that night was the best choice I made. I liked them. No self righteous bullshit. No positivity. "No radiating sunshine and absolute desire to be the hero. They gave as much of a fuck as I did.
I'm happy to say I've perfected the silencing charm. After having to cast one around my bed every night because otherwise I'll scream Hermione and Ginny awake just as I do myself every night, I've gotten rather good at them. Especially since I found out his name. Donovan Anev. They thought it would bring me closure. Turns out it just means now I have I can put a name to the face I am so terrified of. Thank you. It's very helpful. Now I take a potion to sleep. I never ever thought I would be like this. I need a potion to sleep, cigarettes to keep me going during the day, booze and weed to help me relax. It's a good thing dads are rather well off in the sickles and galleons department.
The only thing that's getting harder to hide are the cuts. This, I swear, I never meant to start this. But now I don't think I can stop. I didn't want it to come to this. But I need the pain to be physical. Physical pain, it's easier to manage. If I don't make the pain real, it will drive me insane. I keep the blade hidden in some old history book in my closet. I only cut on my legs where my skirt will cover it. I also have to be very careful where I cut on my wrists too. I'm running out of room.
Honestly, sex doesn't scare me. You would think it does, after what happened. It doesn't. I don't really care what happens to my body anymore. Of course, I would never tell Theo that. He's still worried about me. Everyone is. I wish they were like me. I wish they pretended it never happened. The only reason I get nervous when I'm with Theo is I'm afraid the spell will wear off and he'll see the scars and the cuts. But otherwise, I don't care.
It's just life. It'll be over before we know it.
"Are you ok, Belle?" Theo said. We were sitting in his dorm and he was kissing down my neck. I just zoned out. Like I always do. If I pay too much attention to it, sometimes my mind tricks itself and I don't see Theo. I see Donovan. "I'm fine, just keep going." I said as I kissed him. "Just wait, Belle, if you want to stop we can." he said. I sat up and pulled off my top.
"Fucking hell, Theo, do you want to fuck me?" I asked. His jaw dropped. "If you're ready- I don't want to- well- of course I do- but only if- I just" he stammered and I straddled him.
"I'll take that as a yes, ok?" I said. He smirked. "Hell yes" he said. He flipped me over and I stared at the wall as he kissed down my neck. His hand slid up my skirt and he pushed my panties aside. "You're so wet for me," he said as he rubbed my clit. I unbuckled his belt and slipped my hand down his trousers. He groaned as I felt his bulge. "Fuck Belle-" he said. He pulled off his shirt and took off his trousers. I ran my hands down his chest as he pulled the straps of my bra off and kissed down my chest. "You are so perfect." he whispered. He pulled my underwear down and his boxers and lined himself up. "Are you sure?" he asked.
"Just do it." I said. I cast the contraceptive charm quickly. I just wanted it over with. I felt awful as he thrust himself inside of me. I wasn't doing this because I loved him, I was doing it because I just wanted something else to fill my head. I felt his weight on me and it felt so similar to Donovan. I squeezed my eyes shut. Just wait it out. I waited and forced myself not to cry. He finished inside me. He pulled out and laid next to me, he was smiling. I forced a smile too.
"That was great, are you alright?" he asked. I nodded as I pulled my bra back on. "I'm fine." I said. "Did I go too rough or was I-" he started. I pressed my lips to his. "It was good." I said. I started to get dressed and he looked confused. "Where are you going?" he asked. "I'm sorry Theo, I would stay. Really, I want to. It's just, Hermione and Ginny get worried when I don't come back. I don't want to stress them out." I said. He nodded and kissed me. "It's alright, as long as you're ok." he said. I started to go and he said "I love you." he said. "I love you too." I replied. Then I pulled on my shoes and slipped out of Theo's dorm. I walked out of Slytherin and headed for Gryffindor. I got about halfway there when I decided a little weed wouldn't hurt.
As I walked, my mind wandered to the second task. It's something to do with the lake. They have to hold their breath for an hour somehow. Harry already figured it out. He doesn't need my help. He doesn't need me. I'm a ticking time bomb. Then again... so is he.
I wanted to get high but instead I found myself sitting at the lakes edge with a cigarette hanging loosely between my lips. The water lapped against the shore and it was calming. I thought about that. Drowning. That might be a nice way to die. Quicker than most. I don't know. I know people would miss me. But isn't that how death works. You die and eventually people move on and forget you. Wouldn't it be better for Theo if I died now. He would get over it sooner so he could live his life. Dads have Harry. The chosen one. I always did think they loved him more. He was the product of James and Lily. I was the child nobody wanted. If I died today, right now I would never have to relive that night again. It would be over. I could be at peace.
Just like that, I found myself kicking off my shoes and tossing my sweater to the side. I waded into the water and it went up to the height of my shoulders. The water was freezing and my teeth chattered. The further I walked, the more I was submerged. Soon, the bottom of my hair was soaked. I was deep enough. Usually at this point when someone is about to kill themselves, they have hesitations or like a worldly epiphany. Not me. I just knew I would miss dads, Theo, Harry and cigarettes.
It's not their fault. I do hope they know that. It's mine. I'm the fucked up one.
I'm the one stupid enough to go alone with some guy I don't know because I have to be a good host. I'm the one too weak to fight him off. I'm not the chosen one or the brightest witch of my age. I'm the one who broke. That's my title. The broken one. I tried to cut myself apart and put it back together with all the weed and booze and cigarettes in the world. It didn't work. I tried. Right? That's what matters. At least I tried before I shattered. Now I'm just in the dark.
I submerged my head underwater and tried to stay down. Every part of me was trying to force myself up but I fought it. I stayed under. I was shaking and trying to cough. My head felt dizzy and I was almost there. Finally. Darkness. No stars. No moon. In the dark.
