|In The Dark|

21

Fucked

ANNABELLE LUPIN-BLACK

Then I felt two arms wrap around my body and begin to pull me from the water. When my head emerged I was coughing and gasping for air. The person dragged me back to the shore and we both collapsed on the grass. I spit out water and I was shaking. Then I looked over...

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Draco Malfoy. Of fucking course it had to be him. He wiped some water from his face and sat up breathing heavily. "Are you insane?! You could have died!" he yelled. "No shit." I mumbled. "What were you thinking?! That water is freezing and you could have drowned!" he yelled. "That was kind of the idea. But you had to go and fuck it up." I snapped. He stopped and looked at me. "You were trying to-" he started. His face fell.

"You're really screwed up now, aren't you?" he said. I looked at him sharply. "You're the one to talk. Closet case and textbook daddy issues. If I'm screwed up, so are you." I said. He laughed. For the first time, I heard a genuine laugh from him. "You're right." he said. I nodded.

"You can't kill yourself." he said. "Why not?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "Because as selfish as this may sound, I won't let you do that to Theo. You didn't see him when his mom died. He was a wreck. You think he drinks and smokes too much now? You should have seen his ass then." he said. I stayed quiet imagining it. "Listen, I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through. Clearly I don't. But we are both screwed up so we might as well do it together." he said. "I'm sorry?" I exclaimed. "I'm not going to let you die. So your lack of mental stability has officially become my concern. It's only fair you return the favor. And you have experience with fags." he said. I glared at him. "Sorry." he mumbled. Why the fuck not? Life couldn't get any more strange... Deal." I said.

"I keep you alive for Theo and you keep me alive for Oliver." he said. I smiled. "You really like him?" I said. He shrugged. "He's the first person who didn't make me feel like shit for being different." he said. I nodded. "Why drowning?" he asked. "I don't know." I said. "Bullshit. When I planned my first attempt, I picked hanging. You want to know why?" he asked. 'Why?" I asked. "My father loses his temper. He choked me out so bad one time, I passed out. I wanted to hang myself because I wanted my father to see my face when he found me. I wanted him to know that I won. That he didn't control that last breath of air I exhaled." he said. He wiped a tear from his cheek. "So why drowning?" he asked again. I laid down and looked at the sky. He did the same.

"I've heard you don't inhale until the very last second. Your brain's instinct to not let any water in is so strong, you don't open your mouth until you feel as if your head could explode. That's how I feel. Like everything's just building up and I hold it all in. I feel as if I might go mad on my own one day. There's nothing I can do. You can't escape your own mind." I said. "So then why the cuts?" he asked. I shot up and my skirt had raised. The spell was gone and all the scars and cuts were revealed. "Fuck-" I mumbled. "I did it too." he said rolling up his sleeves and waving his wand. There were scars and burns, just like me. "You first." I said. He chuckled. "Fine..." he sighed. We both laid back down before he started to talk. "My whole life, it belongs to my father. He controls it. He controls my pain, my happiness, all of it. I just wanted to take something back. So I took control of the pain. I hurt myself before he could do it himself." he said. "Your dad is fucked." I said. "Why do you think I made fun of yours?" he said. I looked at him. "I was jealous. They get to be who they are, they love you-" he started. "Trust me Draco, they love Harry a lot more." I said. "Of course. Saint Potter. I had a feeling he'd come up." he mumbled. "Yeah. But not now. I cut to make the pain real. To make it real, physical pain. Because physical pain is manageable. You can fix it, heal it, make it better. Emotional pain just traps you until your completely lost in your own head." I said. "You don't want to lose your mind do you?" he asked. "I feel like I already did." I said. "Why?" he asked. "I feel like Donovan stole much more than people think...When I close my eyes, I see him. I remember everything that happened. I remember exactly what happened, when it happened, how it happened. All of it. It never goes away." I said. My eyes filled with tears. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one. He started smoking too. "I was so stupid. I walked with him in an empty hall like an idiot. I was too weak to fight him off- I should have-" I started. Draco sat up and hugged me. I froze and went stiff. He was hugging me. "Just hug me back Anna. We can't hate each other and keep each other alive at the same time." he mumbled. He was right. I just hugged him back. "It's not your fault and if I have to tell you every single day of the rest of your life I will." he said. "You deserve better Draco. Better than your father. You know that right?" I said. He nodded. "Sure." he said. "I'll believe you when you believe me." I said. He chuckled. "Ok." he said.