|In The Dark|

49

I'm Not Her

TIME JUMP: 2 WEEKS
ANNABELLE LUPIN-BLACK

I had no idea what time it was when Theo burst into my room. We haven't really talked since he got here. He mostly just takes me to my room when I pass out. I feel bad but I don't want him here. I want to be alone. I want to be alone so I can drink and smoke and cut and burn. Alone. "Ok, Get up! This isn't healthy. You can't- you can't live like this. You need to cope or whatever." he said. I laughed. "Fuck that. Why bother coping? The second I feel better, something shitty happens again and I get torn to pieces all over again. Then I'm expected to put myself back together. But how many times? Huh?" I asked. "Belle-" he started. "How many times do I have to put back the pieces only to break again? No. Fuck that. I'm done." I said. He stared at me with sadness. "So what are you going to do? Just do nothing?" he asked. "I'm going to exist. Then I'll fight in this stupid war and then when we win, I'm going to die." I said plainly. "No. You are too strong for that. You've survived too much to just give up. I won't let you." he said. "It's not up to you." I said. "You can't do this! Drink this much, smoke this much. It's bloody mad! You- you're going to d-d" he stammered. He took a deep breath and looked at me. "You're going to die." he said as he wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I can't keep watching you do this to yourself Belle. I can't keep watching you suffer and not do anything to heal. Please, just let me help. Just try." he said. "You want to help?" I asked. He nodded. "Can you get me some dreamless sleep? Remus locked up the potions." I said. He sighed and shook his head. "That's not what I mean. I don't want you to just turn it off." he said. Too bad, that's what I want to do.

"Annabelle, your going to kill yourself and I'm not going to be apart of it." he said. I swallowed a lump in my throat and let the tears fall. "Then leave." I stated. His face dropped. "What?" he said. "I won't force you to watch and I won't force you to stay." I said. "You want me to leave?" he asked. No. "Yes." I said. He exhaled a shaky breath. "You are so selfish!" he yelled. I froze. "You are doing exactly what my mother did. You are doing the one thing you promised you would never do!" he exclaimed. My face faltered. "Listen, I know you're miserable. You lost people. You lost friends, family, things you care about. But everyone does. Why- why can't you just stay for me? Why?!" he yelled. "I'm not good for you Theo. I don't want to drag you down with me." I said. He glared at me. "Fuck you." he yelled. He grabbed his trunk and went downstairs. I followed him quickly. He stood on the porch about to apparate when he looked at me. "Why am I never enough for people?" he asked. And he was gone.

It was better this way. Theo deserves better than me. I'm a miserable time bomb due to explode at any second. I hate myself and I hate my life. He deserves love a whole lot better than that.

THEODORE NOTT

I kept telling myself this wasn't permanent. I kept reminding myself that she's in pain, she's grieving. And she is. I wanted to be strong so she didn't have to. But I can't do it. She's dying right in front of me and I can't save her. She lives off muggle alcohol and pain potions. She is skin and bones. There are dark bags under her eyes and they are red and puffy from crying. Her hands also always have a slight shake to them. A person can only live like this for so long. She is fading away. I can't watch it. So I tried to stop it and I lost her. I just didn't know what to do. She doesn't have anybody right now. Professor Lupin is in just as much pain as her but he's thrown himself into work. Draco has essentially vanished off the face of the earth and she refuses to talk to me.

I finally arrived at Pansy's house. Her parents are rarely, if ever, there and when they are... lets just say they aren't exactly present. Besides, I was supposed to go there anyway. I dragged my trunk up the steps of the Manor and knocked. Unsurprisingly, Blaise opened the door. "Theo! Mate, so good to see you. I thought-" he started. Then he stopped. His face fell and he looked closer. "Bloody hell mate, what happened?" he asked. I wiped my eyes and pushed him aside. "I need a drink." I mumbled. He shut the door and I headed towards the kitchen. "Pans! Get in here!" Blaise yelled. I poured myself a whiskey and sat down. "I thought you were staying with Annabelle for a few weeks." he said. "Please tell me it's just you two here." I said. He shook his head. "Enzo is visiting. And Pansy invited two girls over. Stella and Kayla. They graduated from Hogwarts last year." he said. I groaned. "Great," I mumbled. Then Pansy came running in, followed by the rest of the group. "Please tell me got the molly, I convinced Enzo-" she started. They all stopped when they saw me. "Theo, what are you doing here? You were supposed to be with Annabelle until next month." she said. I laughed. "Yeah, no shit." I said. Pansy walked over and took my drink away. "Hey!" I exclaimed. "I don't know what's going on but you always get wasted when you are upset. Until you tell us what happened, I'm keeping you sober." she said. I glared at her. "Why don't you just go play dress up with your friends and I'll stay here and get drunk." I said. She rolled her eyes. "Guys, can you give us a sec." she asked. They nodded and left. "Ok, it's just me and Blaise. Tell us what happened." she said.
"I won't just sit there and watch her slowly kill herself. I already did that, with my mum. I can't do it again. Especially not with her. I can't do it. She was my light and now we are both in the dark." Pansy sighed and nodded. Then she poured us all drinks and sat down. "Give me the bottle." I said.

TIME JUMP: 3 WEEKS

I heard a knock on my door and I sat up. "Hey mate, are you hungry?" Blaise asked. I shrugged. "Not really," I said. He nodded. "Lunch is downstairs," he said. "Thanks" I mumbled. He shut the door and left. I've been staying at Pansy's ever since I left Belle. Blaise and our old friend Enzo are also staying. I found out he is back from Durmstrang and going to Hogwarts now. His parents say it's because they miss him or some crap but he says it's because they think it's safer at Hogwarts. Because of Voldemort. I'm glad he's back. We were best mates in grade school. I laid back in bed and tried to think of the few good memories I have left. Then I was interrupted. Pansy came storming in. "Get up!" she said as she yanked the covers off my body. "Go away" I groaned. "No, I've been letting you drink and smoke but you promised it wouldn't get out of control." she said. "It's not. I'm fine." I lied. She sighed and sat down. She looked at me and gave a sad smile. "I love you Theo. You are my best friend. I know you are in pain. We all are. But she needs this. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so we can realize there's nowhere else to go." she said. I just nodded and sat up. I was dizzy and drunk and my eyes filled with tears. "I love her Pans. I thought she loved me." I said. She nodded. "She does." she said. Before I knew what I was doing, I leaned in and kissed Pansy. She pulled away quickly. "Theo, I'm not her." she said softly. "I- I'm sorry. I just-" I started. "I know." she whispered. She hugged me and I let my tears fall. "I can't lose her. I can't lose her too." I said. She just hugged me. "I know. Just go one day at a time. We won't leave you." she whispered. We pulled apart and I wiped my eyes. "You need to eat. You can't keep drinking on an empty stomach." she said. I nodded and we went downstairs. One day at a time.

NEW CHARACTER
Lorenzo Berkshire
Slytherin