"Dad!" I yelled. But he was gone. He was gone and I couldn't save him. The death eaters were apparating away and I stood up. It was as if my whole world stopped. Everything around me moved in slow motion and all I heard was Harry's screams. I watched Remus hold him back and I dropped to my knees. I covered my ears and shook my head. This isn't real. Seconds felt like hours and I felt someone shake my shoulder. I looked up and saw my dad. I hugged him and buried my head in his shirt and cried. "Dad, what happened? How did this happen?" I cried. He just held me tight. I knew he didn't want me to see his tears. He didn't want me to see him break too. "I'm sorry Anna, I'm so sorry." he whispered. "No!" I yelled. I pushed him away and ran towards the veil. "I want my dad back! Give him back!" I screamed. "Anna, he's- we can't get him back." Remus said. He pulled me back into his arms despite how hard I fought. "He can't be gone." I said. "I know." Remus said. "No, I was supposed to save him. Why can't I ever save anyone?" I asked. "It's not your fault," he said. I just sobbed in my dad's arms and he just held me. I was still crying silent tears when Harry and Dumbledore and Aurors filled the Ministry. My dad left to go talk to them. Harry walked over and sat down next to me. "He's gone." Harry said. I just sat there and stared straight ahead. It's funny how when you're sad, the one person you want, the person who could make you feel better is almost always the person you can't have. I wonder how much more loss I can take. I'm not like Harry. I can just lose everything and keep going. I don't know how he does it. I know I can't.
Eventually, we made it back to Hogwarts. Everything was a blur. A painful, chaotic blur. We went to the Hospital Wing to get checked out, then back to our dorms. My dad was there waiting for me. He pulled me aside and we sat down. "How are you feeling kiddo?" he asked. I looked at him and shook my head. "We can't even give him a proper burial. We don't- we don't have his body." I said. Remus nodded and held my hand. "I know. But we'll honor him." he said. "It's not fair. It's not fair that they get to live and he doesn't. Dad never hurt anyone in his life. It's not fair." I said. "I know," he said. "How are you- how are you so calm? You loved him more than anything in the world. How can you be so- so ok?" I asked. He forced a smile. "Because Sirius would want me to. He would tell me to soldier on." he said. "I don't think I can do that." I said quietly. "You don't have to, that's what I'm here for" he said. I nodded and he just held me until I fell asleep.
TIME JUMP: 3 DAYS
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Today, Dumbledore is having an assembly for my dad. Since he was so involved in our school and everyone loved him. I have pretty much stayed in my dorm since we got back so I suppose all eyes will be on me today. I got dressed and headed out. I was walking down the hall when I heard my name. "Anna!" Blaise yelled. I turned around and saw Draco, Theo, Blaise and Pansy. I stopped and they caught up to me. Draco refused to look at me. I don't even bother smiling anymore I just nod. I don't want to hear any more condolences. I'm sick of it. "We haven't seen you since-" Blaise trailed off. "We are so sorry about Sirius. You know we are here for you. We won't ask how you are or if you need to talk. We can just smoke in silence if you want. But we are here." Pansy said. "I know, Thanks." I said quietly. They nodded. "We should head in." Blaise said. They started to leave and Draco stopped. "I'll be right there," he said. "I'll save you a seat." Theo said. Then he kissed me on the cheek and went inside. Draco and I stood there just staring at the floor. "Anna, I don't know what to say. I had no idea that was going to happen. They never told me and your dad- I just- I'm so sorry." he said. I looked at him and wrapped my arms around his body. He went stiff and didn't move. I knew he was just as sad and scared as me. "Please, just hug me back." I said softly. He did and I let my tears fall. We stepped back and he wiped them away. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know." I said. Then I walked in and sat down. After the service, everyone was trying to talk to me but I didn't care. I walked through the common room and straight to my dorm. I was able to shut it before Hermione and Ginny caught up. I locked it and silenced it, then I did what Theo taught me. I screamed.
I screamed and screamed and let the tears stream down my cheeks. But it wasn't enough. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was drowning all over again. I punched the walls until my hands were bloody and swollen purple. My screams shattered the mirrors. And I lost control of my magic. Everything exploded. Our blankets and pillows ripped to shreds, books flew off the shelves, it was a mess. But it was useless. I just wanted dad back. That's all I could think about. Memories filled my mind and I was losing it. Every thought in my head was racing. I couldn't stop it.
My first birthday with Remus and Sirius. Sirius taught me how to ride his old motorcycle. Baking with Remus during the holidays. Sirius secretly taught me spells even though Remus said no. Going to muggle concerts with dads. Sirius teaches me quidditch and I fail spectacularly at it. Going shopping at Diagon alley with dads. My first year at Hogwarts with Remus.
Every memory was filling my head like gunpowder. All it needed was one spark. That spark was the final memory. The memory of his death. That final smile as he disappeared right before my eyes. My knuckles and hands were bloody, my throat was sore, and my eyes were red and puffy. I grabbed a bottle of Firewhiskey and began to down it. Then I went through Hermione's potion stash. I took Dreamless sleep, pain potion, and I was just about to down another when the door broke down. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George ran in and froze. "I locked the door for a reason." I mumbled. "Bloody hell." Ron said quietly. Harry dropped down next to me and grabbed my chin to face him. I could barely keep my eyes open. "Fucking hell Annabelle, what did you take?" he asked. I shrugged. Ginny knelt next to me and shook me. "Tell us what you took!" she yelled. "Leave" I groaned. "Someone get help." Hermione exclaimed. "No, if we do, they send her to some psychiatric healer and Remus wouldn't want that and she doesn't need it." Harry said. "Maybe she does mate." Rone said. "No! There has to be someone else to help her" Harry said. He looked at me again. "Please Anna, let us help you." he begged. I couldn't think straight and the potions were getting to me. I never thought about what an overdose would feel like. I only ever imagined dying at the light of that green curse or drowning.
"Draco-" I said. "What?" Ginny asked. "Draco- knows- help- helps me" I stammered. "Someone go get him!" Harry yelled. The twins left and a few minutes later, I saw Draco. He dropped down in front of me and shook my body. He opened my eyes and sighed. "Fuck Anna, what did you do?" he asked. "Potions, whiskey" I said. He picked me up bridal style and carried me to the bathroom. "Look at me Annabelle. Keep your eyes open, ok? I need you awake." he said. I could hear my friends arguing in the background but I tried to focus on Draco. He sat me down in the shower in between his legs and turned the water on. The ice cold water hit our bodies and our clothes were soaked. He stuck his fingers down my throat and I started coughing and gagging. "What the hell are you doing?" Ron yelled. "I'm saving her life so back off!" Draco yelled. Harry pushed them all outside and left me and Draco alone. I finished puking and I drank some of the water. I laid my head back on Draco's shoulder. He stroked my hair and held my hand. "Just breathe ok?" he said. "I'm sorry Draco. I can't do it." I cried. And I finally broke down in his arms and cried. "I want my dad Draco." I said. He pulled me closer as the water got warmer. "I want my dad, please. I want Sirius." I sobbed. "I know. I know you do." he whispered. I buried my face in his chest and he rubbed circles on my back. "I know. We'll get through this." he whispered.
I'm not sure we will. I don't think I can soldier on.
