Hurt. That's all I felt when I woke up. My mind flooded with the memories and my entire body ached. I opened my eyes and it was too bright. I felt the scratchy cotton gown and bandages wrapped around my body. There were white curtains around me, and my dads sat in chairs holding eachothers hands. On the other side of my bed, Harry sat there. He had his face buried in his hands. My voice was still hoarse from the screams. It was strange but I felt as if I could still hear myself. I was looking around and Harry noticed. "Anna!" he exclaimed. I nodded and my dads snapped back to reality. "Are you ok?" "Do you need anything?" "How do you feel?" "Should we get Madame Pomfrey?" "Who did this?" "What happened?" So many questions. They all talked over each other. Madame Pomfrey came in and they all stopped. "Enough!" she exclaimed. They went quiet. "You are going to give the poor girl a heart attack." she said. "Sorry" Harry mumbled. "How are you feeling dear?" Madame Pomfrey asked. I couldn't speak. I opened my mouth but no words came out. "Can you say something Annabelle?" she asked. I didn't know what to say. I just couldn't speak. I shook my head. My dads looked even more worried. "Why won't she speak?" Sirius asked Madame Pomfrey as they whispered in the corner. "She went through a very traumatic experience. She needs time." she said. "But she'll be ok right? She'll talk eventually?" Harry asked. "I'm sure she will but it's important you don't rush her." she said. They just nodded. Harry sat back down next to me. "Do you want to try writing something down?" Harry asked. I shook my head. I just stared at the floor. I was trying to force the memories out of my mind. It wasn't working. "Harry, let's give her time to rest." they said.
And they did. I couldn't talk for 4 days. Everytime I tried to speak, I just couldn't. I also kept waiting for Theo to come see me. But he never did. Dads, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Alexa, Julia and even Pansy did. But Theo never came. Then the thought came crashing in my head. He didn't like me anymore. I was used. I'm just damaged goods. He doesn't like me, not after...
I don't blame him. I don't like me either.
"Hello dear, are you feeling ok?" Madame Pomfrey asked. I just nodded. "Well, your injuries have healed so if you would like, you can return to your dorm. I nodded and she handed me a bag. I looked inside and it had all my belongings. I put on my shoes and headed back to the dorms. My body still hurts but I'm sure that will ever go away. When I walked into the common room, everyone looked at me. Great, everyone knows. Dean, Seamus, Neville, Ginny, Hermione, Fred and George. They were all sitting throughout the room. "Shit- Anna, why didn't you tell us you were coming back? We would've helped?" Seamus asked. I looked at him and didn't say anything. "Ann, are you-" Dean started. Ginny walked over and elbowed him. "Shut up-" she snapped. Her and Hermione looked at me. I just walked past them and straight to my dorm. I shut the door and it immediately opened again and Ginny and Hermione followed me in. "Anna, are you ok?" Hermione asked. I nodded. "She still isn't talking?" Ginny whispered. Hermione nodded. I walked into the bathroom and stepped into the shower. I stood there and let the scalding hot water burn my skin. I wanted him gone. I wanted every trace of that unknown person burned away from my flesh. For the first time since that night, I let the tears fall too. Then I got out of the shower and got dressed.
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I didn't want anyone to see me. I had become a mess of skin and bones. Probably because I don't eat. I'm just not hungry. I stood at the door and before I opened it, I heard Ginny and Hermione talking. "Mione, did you see her? She doesn't even look human!" Ginny exclaimed. "I know Ginny." Hermione said. "So what are we supposed to do? Just sit back and watch her crumble. She doesn't talk. According to Harry, she doesn't eat. She just exists! How are we supposed to help her?" Ginny said. "Ginny, Madame Pomfrey said we need to give her time. Sirius says sometimes we need to fall apart before we can put ourselves back together." she said. Ginny scoffed. "I'm not going to watch my best friend fall apart. You can, I won't!" she yelled. Then the door slammed. I walked out and Hermione sat there. "Hey, how are you?" she asked. I wish people would stop asking me that. I wish they would stop talking in general. I don't want to talk. I don't have anything to say. And even if I did, I wouldn't be able to say it. I just want to be alone. Like Ginny said, I want to just exist. I want to exist and die. Because apparently death is the only way I can escape the torture in my head. That night just plays on a loop. It's inescapable, and I just want to go.
I left Hermione in the dorm. I just walked and walked ignoring the pain in my body. There were still bruises on my wrists. Handprints. His handprints. I wonder if even after they fade, if I'll still see them. I found myself up at the Astronomy Tower. I looked out and wished I could just fall over the edge and be done with it. Luckily, I found that loose brick. I grabbed Theo's secret stash of cigarettes and sat down. I lit one with my wand and took a long drag. It burned my lungs but I liked it. It distracts from the pain between my legs. I want to feel pain. I want to feel pain anywhere but there. Anywhere but ther, to remind me of what happened. I went through 3 cigarettes as the sun went down. Each time I finished one, I would put the end out on my wrists right where the handprints were. Something to distract from those too. I liked this pain better.
"Bloody hell Belle, you've had everyone worried sick!" I turned my head and Theo stood behind me. If I could laugh, I would. Now he decides to see me. "You can't just disappear, not after-" he started. He didn't finish that sentence. I stood up. "Not after what Theo?" I said.
The first time I spoke in 5 days. Of course it was to Theo. His face dropped. "They told me you wouldn't talk." he said. "People lie." I said. Don't they Theo? I started to walk away when he grabbed my wrist. I winced from the burns and the bruises. He held my hand and looked down as he pushed my sleeve up. He saw the bruises and the burns. His eyes wandered over to the cigarettes stubs on the floor. "Fuck Belle, what is going on" he asked as his eyes watered. "I was going to ask you the same. 5 days ago. Don't worry. I figured it out." I said. Then I pulled my hand away and walked down the stairs. He followed me. "Figured out what?" he asked. "It's fine Theo, just go. You're off the hook ok? I get it." I said as I walked down the halls. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "I'm damaged goods. Ok?! Like I said, you're off the hook." I said. I kept walking. I should probably go see my dads. Even though I didn't want to talk to anyone, I can't cause him any more worry. "Belle, wait please! That's not-" he started but I heard nothing else of what he said. Everything else around me stopped and I was trapped back in that room.
He smirked at me as I saw him there. He was leaning against the wall talking to his friends. I could feel his weight crushing me. I could feel his breath on my neck and his hands on my body. My heart started to race and I felt tears hitm my cheeks. "Belle!" Theo exclaimed. He stepped in front of me and shook my shoulders. "Belle- come back!" he said. He turned around and saw the group of kids. "Fucking hell, is that him?" he asked. I just nodded. "Which one?" he asked. I shook my head. "Tell me which one." he said. Then the boy winked at me. And Theo saw it.
The next next part was blank. That's what it felt like. I saw Theo's eyes turn darker than ever before. He grabbed the boy's collar and threw him to the floor. "You fucking bastard!" he screamed. It was just punch after punch. I could hear the bones crunching and I wasn't sure if it was Theo's or his. Everyone watched in fear, shock, confusion. All of it. He just kept punching. "You fucking raped her! I should fucking kill you!" he kept screaming. There was as much blood splattered on Theo as there was on the guy's face. "Theo, enough!" Blaise and Draco ran over when they saw their friend. They tried to pull him off and Pansy ran over to me. "Is it?" she asked. I nodded. "Mr. Nott!" a voice boomed. My dad stormed over. Finally Blaise and Draco yanked him off. He pushed them away, still seething. "Don't fucking touch me!" he spat at his friends. He stood over the body and glared at him. I wasn't even sure he was conscious. "If you ever so much as look at her again, I won't hesitate to strangle you with my bare fucking hands." Theo said darkly. Everyone in that entire hall knew he meant it. Theo stormed off and I stood there. I looked at his body on the floor and wiped the tears from his cheeks.
I wish this made it better. "Anna, are you alright?" my dad said, looking at me. Madame Pomfrey came over with a stretcher for the boy. "I'm fine." I said. Then I left.
Maybe Theo's mom had the right idea. Drinking yourself to death doesn't seem so bad.
