all time low (2012-2013)

two red lines

i walk over to their pin board, it had photos of the band together, random papers, reminders, and to-do lists, and a calendar, today was the 30th of march, the entire thing had X's over it, i walk over to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, and as i'm drinking the cup the realization hit me.

i was supposed to get my period on the 18th, i didnt. i felt the panic in my body, and throwing up only made it more and more suspicious, and i start freaking out. i remember me and jack have been having alot of sex without protection recently.

i was scared i was pregnant, it was probably just late or something i mean i miss my period alot, but i'm still not risking a slight chance of pregnancy, i'm no longer with jack, i'm not gonna have his baby, its gonna be a permanent reminder forever, and i'm still too young to raise a baby, i didnt even wanna be a mother.

i pick up my phone and i call kellin, hoping he answers me, and he does.

"dandan! how are you feeling?" he asks me.

"i guess a bit better, hey can you do me a favor?" i ask him nervously.

"sure what's up?" he calmly asks me.

"w- well i kinda missed my period this month so i was wondering if you know- you could buy me a pregnancy test on your way back" i tell him.

"oh..yeah i will no worries, i'm on my way" he says and he hangs up, and i sit there panicking in the van alone, an hour and a half later he makes it on his own here with a bag from the drugstore.

"hey sorry i was late, the band are staying late tonight to lay instrumental and i was there recording stuff" he says as he hands me the bag.

"oh no worries its fine, do you still have anything to work on?" i ask him.

"no no i'm done for tonight, i'm gonna stay here with you" he says as he takes off his jacket.

i take the cvs bag, i felt panic throughout my entire body, i take out the test, i sit on the toilet and i pee on it, i put it on the counter and i put on my clothes as i wait for the lines to show up.

a couple of minutes pass by and i close my eyes as i pick up the test, there it was, my fucking nightmare.

two red lines.

"no no no no FUCK" i shout in the bathroom as i kick the cabinet below the marble counter and kellin barges in.

"what happened???" he asks worried sick and i just hand him the test without saying anything else.

"oh my god" he says while frowning, i know he felt bad for me, we both go outside and we sit on his couch, and the van was dimly lit at this point.

"w- well what do you think?" he asks me, he couldnt read my expression, or maybe it was self explanatory but still he didnt know what i thought of this entire mess.

"i dont wanna keep that thing" is all i tell him.

"well i know you dont wanna see him but you and jack should really discuss it, you know?" he tells me while holding my hands and rubbing them in an attempt to make me feel better.

"fine, i'll go see him" i tell kellin.

"are you sure you dont want me to come with you?" he asks me while im getting up.

"its fine, its a 5 minute thing" i say and i leave sleeping with sirens's van, it was chilly and cold, and the walk to all time low's van felt like forever.

if not for me and jack's separation, me and the band would have been out in some bar tasting every wine, breaking legs, partying, hanging out with other bands, and i feel like i totally bombed this tour for them.