all time low (2012-2013)

stay away from my friends

i wake up the next morning and when i turn around, kellin isnt there, and as far as i can see the opposite top and low bunks are empty, and the van is quiet, so it tells me that they are gone and probably playing at the moment.

i felt like crying the moment i woke up, i was sick of waking up, and i still felt hollow from what happened last night, and it sucks, it feels like nobody will ever be their own person to me, somehow, someway, everything reminds me of him, just because he was a major part of my life and then he wanted out, and he forced it.

i like to think myself this is a temporary separation.

i sigh and i slowly get up so i dont pass out, i head to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, its the most i could do, i wrap the blanket from last night around myself and i lay on the couch, on my phone, waiting for kellin to come back.

and i felt myself getting attached to him, i dont want any new attachments or anything, i just want things to be the way they were months ago, hell even weeks ago. i keep thinking i messed it up.

and then my phone rings in my hand and its jaime, i honestly debate for a couple of seconds to ditch the call but i pick up, and it sounded loud around him, the way it would sound backstage.

"heyyyy danielle how are you?" he says.

"i'm great" i tell him, lying.

"oh thats good to hear, i was just checking up on you, you totally disappeared" he tells me.

"i know, but thats how i hold up" i say.

"it's fine, i just want you to be alright, you know..alex told me about everything" he says and the background noise around him gets quieter.

"yeah, its alot jaime, its alot for me to handle, cant someone convince him to change his mind?" i say as i sigh.

"well i hate to be the one to break it to you, but he has been going out alot with the girl from the signings..and..i dont know" he says.

"oh..i knew it" i say as i rub my forehead. i was not surprised. i was just sad.

"everyone is going out tonight, me, mike, alex, kellin, justin, jack, the other jack, so i was checking if you wanted to come" he says and i hear staff members nagging him to go off the call.

"i dont know if im ready to sit down with jack" i say.

"theres no pressure, i just want you to go out for some fresh air, maybe you'll feel better- wait danielle we are starting now, i'll call you later" and he hangs up before i could say anything, and i decide to record a video apologizing for everyone for not making it to tonight's show.

i prop my phone on some random vase on a table and i put my hoodie over my gross hair, i havent showered in a couple of days and it has became a matted mess.

"hey guys, danielle here, i wanted to apologize for not coming down to tonight's show, i know it meant alot to some of you, but i fell sick last night and i couldnt make it, but, you guys have fun with the rest of the band, i'll be back soon!" i force some joy in my tone and i hit post.

i decide to go shower since i wanted to go out tonight, and get closer with new people, i needed it.

i forgot that i only brung some of my clothes from the all time low van, i didnt have anything else toiletry related other than my toothbrush, and i just stole kellin's deodorant stick, i jump in the shower and the warm water soothes my aching shoulders, i look around for shower products, and i thank heaven.

he actually had separate products for everything, not the 3in1 shit, no, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and something about the shampoo was so minty and refreshing.