all time low (2012-2013)

only happy when im wasted

jack opens the door and the moment i enter our apartment it stinks of alcohol and smoke, i enter and its a fucking disaster, shirts, pants, bottles, pizza and take out boxes everywhere, and alot of dust.

"im sorry, i didnt feel like cleaning" he says as he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment.

"it's fine, i'll take care of it" i say as i put my phone down on the table.

"n- no i have to help you around, he says as he takes off his jacket and turns on the heater, i look around and its a mess, it looks like it hasnt been cleaned in ages and i sigh, how did our place become so messy? the couch was so dirty, it fazes me. we used to sleep on it and laugh until we could barely breath anymore.

it was a disaster, just like our relationship.

he comes back with a bunch of cleaning products, i go around with a plastic bag throwing the takeout boxes and the filthy alcohol bottles, its clear he had alot of alcohol recently.

"have you been drinking alot lately?" i ask as i look at him, as he is sweeping under the table.

"oh? No i havent" he says and shakes me off.

"you know i dont like it when you drink alot" i say while holding a huge empty bottle.

"and even if? it's clear i dont matter to you anymore" he says and goes back to sweeping, it upsets me so much he thinks this way, i do care, i just cant show it, i want him to regain my trust, this cant be easy for him, what he did hurt me, and spiraled me out of control, i'm trying, i just dont think he really cares at this point.

three hours later we clean the place up and we open the windows and its almost nighttime, i was so tired, he goes upstairs to shower and he slams "our" room's door loudly, he was upset at me the entire time we cleaned.

maybe he expected another reaction but im too far gone to be giving it to him, yeah i got rehab and i'm clean and i'm on medication but i barely feel alive anymore, just not the way i felt before sabrina told me the news.

i lay on the couch infront of our tv and i lay on one of it's pillows and i drift off to sleep, my head was spinning and i was so dizzy, i hug another throw pillow and i drift off to sleep, like these days you spent at the pool as a kid and when you showered and went home you were dizzy and all you wanted was sleep.

an hour later i smell his perfume in the room and it tells me he is around, i ignore it, i was too tired to be woken up anyways, i was freezing and curling on the couch, he leaves and comes back again with my favorite blanket, its a pink and black zebra print from my teenage years, whenever id go anywhere i would have it on me, even the little silly underground concerts.

"thanks" i say and i get up to make room for him to sit down.

"oh no no its fine you can l- lay down" he gestures to his lap and i rest my head on it, putting a pillow under my head for comfort.

"geez danielle, you're frozen" he says as he holds my hand.

"yeah, its december" i say and he holds a cold hand in an attempt to warm it up.

"i'm sorry about earlier, i didnt mean to hurt you i was just angry at how i let this come" he says as he scratches my hair.

"its fine" i lie as i close my eyes, this isnt the closest we've been, but someone these innocent little touches, i took them for granted, and they still give me butterflies the way they did in 8th grade.

"i just wanted to say i'm happy you made it home for christmas, i dont know what would have i done without you" he says as he rubs my arm with his warm palm.

"yeah, i'm happy too rehab didnt take that long, i couldnt miss it like thanksgiving" i say, still closing my eyes.

"did they celebrate it there?" he asks me.

"yes, the nurses were really nice and they decorated for it too, i just never liked the ward's food you know" i say, complaining about it.

"you just hate it dont ya" he says while laughing.

"i do" i say and i sigh, preparing to ask him that next question.

"well, i'm going to bed, where will you be sleeping?" i ask him as i get up, wrapping my blanket around my shoulders.

"oh" his eyes sink.

"well its up to you, im not the biggest fan of sleeping on couches since i'm tall so-" he starts to explain and i interrupt him.

"its fine, we can still share a bed" i tell him and i go upstairs, all i wanted as a hug and a kiss from him, and his arm's warm embrace around my stomach as i slept at night.

all i smelled since i left was either filth of drugs and alcohol or hand sanitizer and bleach, and sometimes all i ever wanted to smell is his familiar perfume.

i hop on my side of the bed and i curl completely, i was freezing and i hoped it'd warm me up, jack joins me in and i hear him manage some stuff on his nighstand then he turns off the lights and he gets on the bed and everything falls silent.

No, we didnt sleep wrapped in each other's arms every night nor did i always wake up laying on his chest, sometimes he was buttnaked sleeping on some random spot on the bed as i stole all of the cover.

but its been ages, i prayed he holds me. i really secretly kept hoping and he didnt.

i give in and i roll to his side, and i cautiously wrap an arm around his upper body and i wrap a leg on him.

"owwww, your legs are frozen, why?" he says as he warms me up with his warm foot.

"oh i dont know i'm sorry, i'll get warm when i sleep" i say.

"why did you hug me?" he asks me.

"im sick of the smell of drugs, sanitizer and bleach or just my laundry detergent on my sheets, i miss how you smell" i say as i take a deep breath, sighing.

he turns around and i can very faintly see his eyes blink in the dark.

"that must have sucked, i had no stinky skunk next to me these couple of months too" he says and i nudge him.

"bitch! i smell good!" i say while laughing and kicking.

"owwww whore cut the crap" he says and i still kick, he turns around and pins me down by both of my wrists and tickles me with the other hand.

"AHHHH STOP THIS R- RIGHT NOW" i say while laughing, completely out of breath as i laugh under his tickling.

"APOLOGIZE" he says as i laugh while he is tickling me.

"I- I'M SORRYYYYY" i say and he lets go of me and he falls on the bed breathing heavily as we both laugh.

"now that was mean as fuck" i say as i gasp for air.

"thats the whole point, you have been an asshole danielle" he says as he places both of his hands under his head as he lays down on his back, closing his eyes and smiling.

"i guess so" i say as i lay on my side, facing him as i admire his face and body, he was looking away so this was my chance.

i feel like i always loved him more than he did.

"i feel like i always loved you more than you did" i tell him out loud, fuck it.

"all of these years and you are still insecure about my love for you" he says with his eyes still shut.

"yeah last time i checked you cheated on me like a bizillion times and i still forgave you, so look whos talking" i say while sitting up.

"dont bring up my mistakes danielle, you know i love you more than my own self" he says, his tone getting angrier. it seems like all we do since we started speaking again is arguing and bringing up each other's pasts.

"oh fuck yes i will, i'm sorry i just dont see it" i get up from the bed, my throat burning from holding in the tears and he follows me down the corridor as i'm walking fast with tears down my entire face.

"HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU"  he holds me back using both arms and i fall on the floor, which gives him No option but to sit on the floor as i sob loud in his shoulder, as he held me down like a baby.