all time low (2012-2013)

how does that make you feel

i open my eyes as i stretch my aching shoulders, the sun ra i can smell the car wash's soap on the seat, it smells the way jack's seats would, i was in his tshirt and it smelled like his perfume, and i was in my underwear, he was in the backseat shirtless with just boxers on, his face was red and he looked so angelic.

i sit up and i sit there for a good minute trying to wake up and process everything that happened last night, i dont want him to think just because we had sex means we made up and that everything's back to normal, theres far more that needs to be done and i hope he can grasp that concept.

"you up?" he says while trying to open his eyes.

"oh yes i'm, goodmorning" i say as i look for my pants.

"that got messy huh" he says while giving me a perverted smirk.

"shut up" i say as i toss a box of tissues at him.

"oww, you're mean" he says and i toss his pants at him.

"look away" i say while taking off his tshirt.

"after what we did last night?" he says while sitting up and adjusting his boxer's band.

"yep, i dont appreciate having you stare at my tits randomly" i nod as i take off his tshirt and putting on my bra, then i throw his shirt at him.

"do you maybee..wanna talk about last night?" he says as he slides his pants back on.

"oh yeah, i'd love to" i say as i put on my tshirt.

"do you wanna go somewhere?" he asks.

"yeah maybe we can have breakfast" i say completely dressed at this point as i fix my bangs in the mirror, and he nods as he jumps back in the driver's seat as i adjust the passenger seat that he fucked me on last night.

he starts the car and drives off.

"sooo" he says as he looks at me as we drive on a highway to somewhere downtown.

"you know last night really doesnt mean forgiveness, and just because i still love you, doesnt mean you'll take it for granted and not put in any effort whatsoever to regain my trust back" i say as i look at the road.

"of course i know that, i'm sorry i ruined your trust in me, what can i do?" he says.

"i dont know, just reassure me, and if you can, have me around when you hangout, i know thats so insecure and silly bu-" i say and he cuts me off.

"it's alright, you have your reasoning, i understand" he says.

"are you gonna come back home?" he asks as his face falls, almost like this talk was a snap back to reality after last night.

"i guess, i dont know, i dont wanna stay at ronnie's and i dont wanna stay at alex's" i say.

"its fine, take your time and figure it out" he says as he tightens his grip around the wheel and sighs.

we make it to our favorite breakfast spot downtown and we sit in a booth, waiting for someone to place our order, and we sit there awkwardly in silence.

it reminded me when we first moved here after we graduated and we were hungry from the trip, and we decided we will eat at this random restaurant.

"what can i get for you today?" a sweet waitress with a yellow dress and an apron approaches us with a note block.

"uh i'll have pancakes and a chocolate milkshake" jack says.

"y- yeah me too" i say as i rub my eyes, he seemed like he was hungry, he didnt really eat with us last night.

"soo, do you wanna talk about something?" he asks as he rests his body weight on the table to pay attention to me and i sniff, my face still puffy from last night's sleep.

"i'm sorry about last night, that was so reckless of me" i apologize as i brush my hair backwards.

"hey hey, it's alright, i understand" he says to reassure me.

"i had just missed you and i dont know, everything just fucking sucks" i say as i play around with the butter knife infront of me.

"i know, i missed you too, i just dont know anymore, dont you think we should have talked about it back then?" he says

"i'm sorry? you shut me the fuck out as you got drunk!!" i raise my voice and he gestures for me to calm down.

"OKAY OKAY i'm sorry, we still had alot of studio time and we were down at alex's so often and you refused to speak with me about it" he says.

"yeah, i couldnt even look at you right without feeling an immense amount of disgust." i say as i play around with the salt shaker.

"what do you want me to do?" he says, growing angry and fed up with all of the bottled up feelings and emotions i just spilled out.

"i dont know anymore, i'll come home but dont expect much, i dont wanna lose you and at the same time im so angry at you and at everything you've done" i say.

"i'm sorry, i'm trying to fix it, you cant constantly beat me down for a mistake i did and regret months ago, please just stop" he says as his eyes get glassy and his face goes red and i stop as i nod because i didnt wanna make him cry.

i honestly just cant see us doing any better.