all time low (2012-2013)

late nights at airports

i make it back to the van with no bra or underwear, i settled for just my shirt and jeans, and i hoped that kellin was not back on the bus, because he would have made a fuss about where and who i was with.

i feel terrible, terrible for what i just did, i feel like i betrayed kellin, which i did. something inside me screamed that it was right and well deserved, but what kind of sicko gets back at their abusive partner by fucking their ex?

i knew i still wanted jack, and i dont know if that was the case for him, i mean he had molly, he always took her out with us when we went down to eat with out friends, and when kellin let me go over to my van, under his supervision obviously.

he seemed so happy, and all kellin did was suffocate me, he'd grab me hard whenever we were out, to prove i dont know what, it was so packed with tension, do i love him or dont i?

all i know he wasnt the guy who took me home and cared for me when jack was screwing with molly the first time i found out.

i throw myself on justin's bunk, i felt super sick from the alcohol and super tired from the fuck and i only prayed i didnt smell like jack's intense perfume.

i pick up my phone and i look for kellin's contact, i call once,
twice,
thrice,
and for the fourth time he finally answers me, and it sounds like theres music and laughing around him?

"why arent you answering" i ask.

"sorry i didnt hear my phone ringing" kellin says.

"oh ok, what's with the loud music around you? i thought you were in a meeting?" i say, growing suspicious, who the fuck im i to judge, i just fucked my ex not an hour ago.

"well you see- shut uppp" he whispers and then gets back on the phone while laughing "i ran into some old friends so we went to a club" he says.

"which one? i'll come down to you" i say.

"come on danielle dont start, cant i have fun on my own?? stop being jealous and overprotective" he says and i can indicate the manipulation and gaslighting in his voice.

"IM the jealous and overprotective one here? i cant even stay with my own band on our own bus!" i yell.

"HEY dont yell at me! i'll talk to you when i'm back, love you" and with that he hangs up on me, i bury my face in the pillow and i scream, eventually somehow he put the blame on me even if deep down i knew he was in the wrong, it was all sick mind games and im not sure to what extent he liked to play them.

i dial jack and after two tries, molly is the one that answered, me and her never got along for a very obvious reason, never even small talk.

"oh this is molly?" i ask, of course it was i'm not stupid.

"yeah, can i help you" she says.

"where is jack?" i ask her.

"showering" she says, and then jack snatches the phone and i can hear him say 'no the fuck im not'

"danii how are you, are you back to the van now?" he asks me.

"yep ive been for awhile, i actually wanted to book a ticket back home, i'm sick of being on the tour bus alone all the time" i tell him as i lay sleeping on my left side.

"hm, interesting, and?" he asks.

"noo its just that the entire band and justin are gone, justin kept me entertained and kellin is also dodgy and wont spend time with me, id rather be with sabrina and alex" i say.

"well i think you should go for it, but i'm staying with molly" he says.

"fucking molly, come home for the break, we havent spent proper time together, you, me, alex, and sabrina in a very long time, since..you know" i say sighing.