The Pseudocide of the Moon - Complete

Olivia

I spent the better part of the day packing and taking it easy. I took a bubble bath, did a face mask, I even did a rice water rinse for my hair. Apparently that helps or whatever.

I knew it was going to be a stressful week, and I didn't need to go all tense as it is. 

I was looking forward to seeing my nonna. I try to call her at least once a week, but work makes it difficult. And she's not the most tech savvy so it's not like I can just FaceTime her whenever.

I'm at the airport now and the ladies at the counter all calling economy premium. I laugh to myself. The last time I was here was with Chris.

Talking to him on the plane was pretty great. And I'm surprised I felt so comfortable around him. I was probably so relaxed from my trip that I felt uninhibited. But seeing him in the park was embarrassing. I was crying my eyes out and he just walks up so casually to say hi. I wanted the ground to eat me up.

And then worst of all I had to explain to Matt who Chris was. He was surprised to say the least that there was a guy pursuing me, especially with the limited time I have out of the hospital, but he said that this was the perfect opportunity to get to know someone. He said I didn't have to date him, that he could be my friend.

But would Chris even want to be my friend?

I don't know, I've tried to not think about it these past few days. I have a long week ahead of me and I know I'm probably gonna get overwhelmed as it is.

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Touching down in Portland my heart gets stuck in my throat. Every time. Every year I come back home for this week I feel tense. I did the best I could to relax yesterday, but now it feels like it didn't do any good.

The fresh air of Oregon didn't help. It just reminded me more of why I was here.

Dad said he'd come pick me up since mom was making lunch for us. And sure enough as I stepped out of the PDX doors, there was my dad pulling up. The passenger door swung open and out came my nonna.

"Nonna!" I ran into her little arms and gave her a tight hug. (Grandmother!)

"Oh mia gioia!" she pulls me closer and plants a big kiss on my forehead. (Oh my joy!)

"Nonna I've missed you so much!"

"Me too my little one, I am so happy to see you in person!"

"It's been far too long since I've come."

"Yes, yes three years far too long."

"I know nonna.. Come on let's get you in the car it's cold."

My dad walks over to grab my bags.

"Nice to see you Olivita," my dad grabs my head and gives me a kiss on the head.

"Thanks dad," he piles my bags into the back of the car and we speed off.

On the way back home nonna asks me about work, and how I'm liking my new place. She tells me about how beautiful her roses were this year, and how much she missed having me around.

I always felt a little guilty seeing my nonna such little time. I wished I could see her more often, but I didn't have the heart to come to Oregon so often. 

By the time we pulled into the driveway I felt my heart drop. The beautiful house I grew up in. My childhood home. Every time I came I always felt like this. Like I wasn't ready.

But my mom walked out and right away I can hear her yelling.

"Olivia! Mia cocca di mamma!" she yells from the front door. (Momma's pet.)