Bereft (h.s)

75. Sense of Home.

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so i know some people don't like time jumps but this was the plan for this story to begin with and i still thinks it's just very necessary for the ending chapters coming up. so just remember that this chapter isn't the ending and it isn't going to speed the ending up. this was the plan to begin with :) ENJOY.
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Chapter 75

Alycia's Pov.

6 Months Later

"Bitch!" Sierra exclaimed with excitement as I ran off stage and I laughed as I hugged her.

I'm in Manchester, England nearing the end of my UK tour. I released my album last month and started touring two weeks ago. The UK tour was first and it is fairly short. It only has two more shows. Both of them are in England.

It's absolutely insane that i'm in England right now. I never thought i'd even leave the fucking country and now i'm in England with thousands of people singing my words back to me.

Sierra flew in 2 days ago to stay for this week. She's obviously from here so it's been exciting for her to be here for many reasons.

Matt is also here. He's been here since the beginning. He's doing some work in the studio in London starting tomorrow and he's going to stay a little longer than me. I've really been thankful that he's here and decided to come. It's helped me adjust a lot. It gave me a sense of home.

Touring has been fun but such a fucking adjustment. I've never really had a sense of what home is since my mom died. No where really feels like home. My childhood home even has some strangers in it now.  I have no real sense of what the fuck home is for em. But, Matt is the closest thing to that feeling for me. So touring and being in a new place everyday just kinda of makes you question reality. He just kinda makes everything feel more real.

Being in England has also made me think of others things.

Harry.

We never spoke after that day I left for New York.

I think I just felt...like I was experiencing two losses. My dad. And him. I just shut off. Completely. I went to New York and settled everything for my dad. I went to the funeral and faked being okay. But after that...I didn't speak to anyone for a while. Even Matt. I completely shut off. I even rented out an AirBnb for a week in Malibu by myself. I took Jasper and I just wrote. All week. I wrote songs, I sat on the beach...I just spent time truly alone. I shut off my phone and just told anyone that I knew would worry, that I was going to spend some alone for a while.

It was hard and sometimes painful but...it was needed. After that, I pulled it together and I went into the studio nonstop. I finished my fucking album. I cut my hair. I released my tour dates shortly after that. And then last month I released my album.

But I never heard from Harry.

He texted me the day of my dads funeral but I never got back to him. I felt somewhat betrayed at the time that he decided to let me go all because I couldn't give him what he needed right at that moment. I was overwhelmed and had a lot to process. But at the end of the day...we both needed to part ways.

I never really see much about him because I try and stay away from any social media where I could see him. I know he finished tour though. Matt told me that.

And apparently he's been back in London since his tour ended.

I haven't asked but I assume Matt might be in the studio the next few days with him. I didn't really wanna know to be honest.

Life's been a whirlwind. But being so busy has been good for me.

I've been pretty sad though because I haven't had Jasper. I flew with him to New York because Ru is keeping him while i'm over here. I don't trust anyone else with him and anyone I would trust with him, is here. Candice, Matt and Sierra. Even though Sierra just got here a few days ago, I knew she wouldn't have had anything to do with him when she came here so staying with Ru just made the most sense for him. As soon as I start touring in North America though, he's coming. He's my security blanket. I need him.

"You're fucking killing it out here!" She yelled and I did a little dramatic twirl. "Thank you darling." I said in a british accent and she rolled her eyes.

I walked into the dressing room and Matt was smoking a blunt.

"I promised I watched it all. This blunt was just calling my name though." He said and I flipped him off with a laugh.

Learning to be so content with being alone is something i've always kind of known quite well. After Harry though...I just always felt like something was missing.

I started going to therapy before tour. I just needed to be in a better headspace before I started this. I didn't want this experience to be tainted because I was fucking depressed. She prescribed me pills even after pretending I was fine enough to not need them. I haven't taken them. But I have them.

I was really sad for a few months. Really sad.

I'm better now. I'm taking it all one step at a time.

I do miss Harry. I've never said it out loud to anyone but...I do.

I hate that I do.

But just because I miss him sometimes, that doesn't mean I'm not completely content being alone. Because I am. I just sometimes wonder if i'd be more than just content if he was here. If i'd be...I don't know, happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and lucky to have everything I do and I have such fleeting moments of joy. But like I said, I just don't have a sense of what home is for me. And that gets me down a lot. Matt is the closest thing. But...so was Harry.

But not everything is meant to last forever.

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