A/N: this is sad :( but it's kind of sweet
There were a lot of things Kokichi regretted. Too many to count at this point.
Of course, he regretted the plan he made in the killing game, looking back on it, all it did was make everything worse. There was the pain he gave everyone, stressing all of them out, making them lose all hope... And the cruel murders he put Miu and Gonta and Kaito through, leaving them to be stuck with a terrible sort of trauma...
Kokichi couldn't believe he was capable of such a thing. He used to be mischievous, somewhat manipulative, a kid who pulled pranks and drank too much grape soda for his own good.
But he became...a real villain. D.I.C.E. would be ashamed.
If they were even out there.
What would they think? Would they...regret ever following Kokichi? Regret ever being his friend?
They should.
Kokichi was an awful, terrible person.
The thoughts of what he did took up his entire day, plaguing him, even in sleep.
Still, he deserved it, didn't he?
Not just because of the plan he made, but because of who he was. Every time he spoke back then, it was either a lie or a joke. Either way, it never was desirable for others. No one ever laughed at his antics. And even if he told the truth, people wouldn't believe him. He was just a nuisance, someone no one liked being around.
It really made him regret ever speaking at all.
So he didn't speak. He kept his mouth shut, and it was kind of easy. It became normal for him to stay quiet, it felt comfortable.
But even if he didn't talk, he still felt regret. He found something new to regret, everyday, actually.
He regretted getting out of bed, he regretted the food he ate, he regretted the marks he made, he regretted showing his face to anyone, he regretted meeting up with Shuichi-
"Kokichi...don't you think it's time to forgive yourself?" Shuichi asked. He sat right next to him in a sort of comfortable silence.
Kokichi shook his head immediately. No way. No forgiving himself, not yet.
"I...Kokichi-" Shuichi started to protest.
Kokichi just simply turned to glare at him, his reluctant emotion showing on his face. He didn't really want to hear the same thing he's heard over and over again. That he should forgive himself already, that he didn't deserve to feel this bad, and that everything will be okay one day.
A knowing look came over Shuichi's face. He's also heard it all before, and he's been the one to fall into the trap of repeating it.
But he stood his ground, despite his growing anxiety, "No, I, I have to say this."
He took Kokichi's hand, causing him to flinch a bit. Physical touch like hand-holding was often between them, but it still startled him each time.
"You...you can trust me, Kokichi. I'm your friend. " Shuichi insisted.
Trust...Friends...
Both things Kokichi didn't understand. Not anymore.
Shuichi continued, "You're not a monster, you're...amazing. Really."
Amazing?
Well, Kokichi's self hatred went too deep for him to even grasp that concept. The word flew right over his head, not even bothering to stick for a second.
Shuichi squeezed his hand, "Just...let me help you. Please "
Help? How? The therapists wouldn't work, the medication wouldn't work. What now? What sort of "help" if nothing was working?
Shuichi let out a sigh and let go of Kokichi's hand.
Kokichi almost missed the contact.
Shuichi turned to him and opened his arms.
...What?
"I'm here for you" Shuichi continued, "...just, just fall into me."
His slight blush did not go unnoticed. But even more prominent was the sort of desperation in his voice to help Kokichi understand, to help him get better.
The only problem was he didn't...know how to do that. He didn't even know if he deserved it. Everything he did was wrong and everything he is is wrong, and he regretted even breathing at this point. How could he be fixed when he was so damaged, should he even try?
But...what would it be like? He couldn't help wondering! If it did ever get any better at all. What would happen?
He might never get back to the person he used to be, but...
Would he ever be able to truly smile again?
.....Shuichi, Shuichi just wouldn't leave Kokichi's side. He was determined, he was broken too, but determined. He wouldn't leave, no matter how weak and how tired and how boring Kokichi was. It was so weird.
It almost... almost gave him hope. That at least someone thought he was okay.
Unless Shuichi was lying.
But Kokichi was always good at picking up on that, and that never seemed to be the case.
Again, it was so weird.
And here Shuichi was, arms still held out for Kokichi. An anxious look on his face, worry in his eyes.
Kokichi couldn't understand why he would possibly deserve a hug. It was just...inconceivable to him.
" Please " Shuichi reiterated.
Maybe he was the one who really needed the hug.
Or maybe they both did.
...Kokichi couldn't exactly mess a hug up could he? Especially if he wasn't the one doing the hugging: Shuichi would be.
And it's not like he could deny Shuichi's request. Not when Shuichi was looking at him like that and not when he secretly wanted the hug he was offering.
So he scooched closer, taking his time. Once close enough, Shuichi wrapped his arms around him, letting out an audible sigh.
It was an unfamiliar feeling, Kokichi couldn't remember the last time he had a hug given to him.
But it was nice. And warm. And comfortable.
He really didn't want to leave this embrace.
Why couldn't they have done this before?
Kokichi felt himself sink into Shuichi's arms, savoring every minute of the feeling.
And...he didn't regret it. Strangely. In fact, it felt like something he was meant to do.
He hoped this feeling lasted a little while longer.
