a/n: ok yeah i've been having a bad time so ive been writing mostly depressing fanfics :( this one has suicidal thoughts and an almost suicide attempt (it doesn't actually happen though!) if you feel like this, i really hope you feel better soon, you're an amazing person and you deserve to live i promise <3
Kokichi's way of living after the killing game didn't feel like living.
How could it be when he was still fully convinced he didn't deserve to live? When he was very aware that he was living past his original expiration date?
He never wanted this to happen. Laying in that hydraulic press, he was content with his way of going. It felt like the only good thing he had done throughout that entire killing game. Finally, finally, he wasn't just being an annoying nuisance that everyone knew would be better off dead. Now he was dead, and they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. They wouldn't have to...fear him. Or hear his sly comments. They were free from his presence. And on top of that, his plan almost ensured that his sacrifice wouldn't be for nothing.His plan would do something, it would end the whole killing game! And even if it didn't, it would unlock something, Kokichi just knew it would. So he was completely accepting of his death, even with all the hurt that came with it.
And when he woke up, he just felt destroyed. He can still remember the sense of relief he felt after hearing that everyone was still alive followed by the crushing sense of despair as he realized that included him.
Now his sacrifice meant nothing. Everyone was alive anyway, it's not like he actually saved anyone. No, all he did was add on to the trauma that everyone would already have to begin with.
Stupid. He was so stupid.
There was nothing he could do anymore. No apologies to make, he was certain none of his former classmates would want to hear them from his annoying mouth. And D.I.C.E. was gone too, so he couldn't run back to them. He wasn't even sure if they were real in the first place.
Everything just felt so useless and empty. Kokichi hated waking up in the morning, hated breathing, hated himself, hated the fucking killing game and what they put everyone through, hated everything.
It would just feel so much better to disappear at this point. Just float away into a cloud or something unreasonable like that. So no one wonders where he went or goes looking for him. Maybe he could just run away and die peacefully in an alleyway.
But no, he was stuck in this facility for former Danganronpa contestants right now. He was told they could leave in about a week, but that was bullshit and he knew it. Nobody here was getting any better, Kokichi definitely included, so it was likely their stay would be for another month or so. The security was heavy, so Kokichi couldn't run away. No leaving and dying peacefully for him. The only way he could leave this world is if he managed to think of a plan here.
But he didn't have the energy to deal with what would happen if he failed, the amount of questions he would be asked, all the people asking in vain if he was okay, all the therapy Team Danganronpa would shove in his face, all the former contestants questioning his behavior, all the shit he didn't want at all.
All he wanted was to feel safe again. He wanted D.I.C.E. back, he wanted to be the 'supreme leader' that stole panta from the convenience store and spray painted abandoned buildings. The one who owned different capes for every occasion, the one who always knew how to cheer up his ten members when they needed it, not the evil murderer who killed three people and himself just for absolutely fucking nothing.
