A/N THIS IS JUST PURE ANGST ,,,
The world felt all blurry. Like it didn't mean anything anymore. Like he was just numb to all feeling.
But it's not like he wasn't still hurt. It was more like his emotional wounds were a comforting overall sense of pain, rather than sharp stabs.
He was used to this. The bitter self-hatred that feels like it reaches down into your soul. Like you'll never be pure again. Never.
And it was fine, usually. Until it wasn't.
Until something just provoked him. Whether it was a loud noise or a random thought, he began spiraling.
But he would never ever show this to anyone .
Never.
He never has and he never will.
Well, he probably used to, when he was younger. That's probably why he's like this now. He learned from early on that his emotions were pointless.
Or maybe he just convinced himself that.
He doesn't know.
He did know that he needed to stop breaking down. Tears were useless, they didn't get you anywhere. Unless they were fake. But even then, nobody believed him here anyway.
His whole body felt useless.
Everything just felt
Useless
What's the point?
He's gonna die anyway. That's part of his plan.
Thinking about it almost made him feel better.
Maybe if he did this one good thing he could think that his life was worth living. Like it wasn't a mistake to be born.
And even if his plan failed, he wouldn't be around to annoy the others anymore. So he'd still be doing them a favor.
*ding dong*
Kokichi shook violently at the sudden noise, throwing himself on the ground in an impulse reaction. He was sitting right against the door in his room, so it made sense the noise startled him so much.
Then again, he was weak. Normal people probably would have only jumped a little. They wouldn't have reacted like that.
"Kokichi?" he heard a voice on the other side of the door.
Picking himself up, he registered that it was Shuichi.
The world felt so foggy, his head hurt and he had no real grasp on any decisions.
But he knew he couldn't let him in.
Silence fell between them for a few minutes. The door was really the only thing separating them.
"...Kokichi?" Shuichi called again, softer this time. Maybe he'd think Kokichi wasn't in his room.
The silence happened again.
In his heart, he knew he wanted to open the door. He wanted Shuichi to see him like this. He just wanted someone to know he was something else than the mask he put on. He knew Shuichi would try to help him. Once he found out he wasn't lying, of course. Maybe he'd comfort him. Tell him he'd be okay. Hug him, maybe. Let him cry into his shoulder until he can't anymore. Kiss his forehead. Play with his hair. Something. Anything.
Yeah, maybe Kokichi had "feelings" for Shuichi.
That was so selfish of him.
Nothing like that could ever happen.
