a/n: hurt/comfort fanfic because yeah- also its depressing and deals with thoughts of death and suicide so warning for that!!
"I wish I was still dead." Kokichi confessed, his eyes void of light and his words containing no trace of inflection. He kept his sight on the floor, making sure to avoid the presence of his lover standing in front of him. He didn't want to see his face when he realized yet again that after a whole year, Kokichi still couldn't get the thought of the killing game off of his mind. Even when everyone else had already moved on.
Shuichi had a job as a detective, being employed because of his well-known role on Danganronpa. He used to be scared to go into work, terrified of the Ultimate Detective title. Now, he wore it with pride as he solved cases and earned enough money for the both of them to keep the small house they owned.
He was also the one who made dinner, the one who did most of the shopping, the one who cleaned the house when necessary. Despite his depression and anxiety, he somehow always managed to find hope. One day, he told Kokichi that that was because of him.
But Kokichi thought that was bullshit. How could anyone find hope by looking at him? He was such a failure, never able to heal and never able to stop playing back the killing game memories, finding joy in the worst ones. He couldn't help remembering the bittersweet sting of the poisoned arrow and he tried to replicate the feeling with cuts, but it never felt enough. It wouldn't be enough until the crushing sense of the hydraulic press overwhelmed his senses again. That type of extreme pain was what he deserved, was what he craved.
"I want to die." he reiterated, almost choking on his words. They were heavy, and he felt guilty even saying them. Then again, the guilt he felt was part of what lead him to that conclusion anyways. So much guilt. So much hatred for himself, he hated everything. From the way he acted in the killing game to the way he acted right now, he felt like just an awful human being. He depended on Shuichi for most things, like a weak idiot. His voice was too shaky, his body was too frail, he was so useless, so boring and weak, he hated himself.
Was this really what the ultimate supreme leader turned himself into?
All of a sudden, he started sobbing, body shaking, his world feeling out of control. Everything just felt like it broke all at once. He wanted to just hurt, to feel pain, anything. He dug his nails into his sleeves,not wanting to hurt himself fully in front of Shuichi. He couldn't do that to his love, it was bad enough that he was exposing this breakdown in front of him.
Shuichi finally moved from his standing position over to Kokichi, and sat close next to him. A single touch was then initiated, just a slight brush of their shoulders. If Kokichi didn't know any better, he would think it was a coincidence. But it wasn't, this was Shuichi's way of trying to get Kokichi to slowly let him in. He's done it many times before, since the start of their relationship. In a few seconds, he would probably try to touch him again, more deliberately this time.
The warm feeling of arms wrapping around Kokichi proved that he was right.
For a minute, he struggled, but Shuichi wouldn't let him go. He held onto him like he knew exactly what he was doing, which he did. Months of calming Kokichi down gave him experience. He knew exactly how to hold him, how to stroke his back and play with his hair. How to whisper with his soothing voice, the quiet tone trying to create a calm atmosphere.
"Tell me what started this" he whispered.
Kokichi just cried harder. How was he supposed to say that nothing started this, that this was just who he was now? A shell of his former self, an insignificant and depressed human being?
